I woke up next to you this morning and realised this is where I want to stay forever, this is perfect, this is the only hting I have left thats worth living for. You and my knife are the only things I can feel anymore. What happened to me? Where did i go? Who took me away from me? And as I dragged that blade across my skin yet again, severing the scars to form new ones, I realise it is me who is taking me away. Each wound is n attempt to breathe, an attempt to live, an attempt to feel, an attempt to love, an attempt to punish, an attempt to be punished, an attempt to cry, an attempt to die, an attempt to work, an attempt to be right, an attempt to wrong, an attempt to cut away myself slowly, to hack at my deadness. But in saying that, how can I possibly be dead? If I can question then how the fuck does this work? I dont make sense. I guess I don't really do it to die but rather to feel or maybe forget. Or maybe I just don't know and I do it out of habit out of hate or out of pennance or on a whim. If I dont know then who can? Is this classed as unstable? Am I classed as unstable? Who am I now? What am I now? I can't remember or can't figure it out. I know what I know and yet I dont. I love you but I hate you so much. I love you, I think I love you but how can I be sure? What if I am just making myself believe that so I can be around you, to be graced by your presence. Maybe I am just trying to ignore the fact that I can't feel or maybe wont feel or maybe I am just being over-anylitical. Fuck who knows anymore. I hate you because I....I am no where near as good as you. You have chosen me over any other and I can not understand why. I am worthless and yet for some reason you still acknowledge my exsistance. You still take me in even after I told you about how slutty I have been...about all my rendenvous. Why why why why? I hate my father, you hear that mutherfucker ??? I hate you....you can't see the bruises, but I do. Everyday when I look in the mirror. Congratulations, Daddy Dear, your replacement child is every fucking thing you ever thought she would be...fucking nothing. Interesting how children tend to take after one parent. Well guess what arsehole...I take after you! The only time you ever notice me is if you want something, need to pummel something or need a scapegoat, someone to blame for your fuck ups. Yes thats right, blame me for your killing your daughter. How the fuck is that my fault?? How, please, I would love to hear this one explained to me. I WASN"T EVEN FUCKING CONCIEVED WHEN IT HAPPENED YOU DICKHEAD! I am sick of exsisting in this fuckig religious doctrine they call life. I am human. I do have opinions. And just because they are not what you say are right doesn't mean you have to make my life hell, yes I am referring to you, Bree and Lizzy. Fuck you and all your fucking punk, emo, trendy, posers, christian straight-edge wannabes. Fuck you. There, thats my opinion, deal with it. If you can't, well then grow the fuck up and realise that the world isn't so fucking happy and lovey dovey as you seem to think. Stace I love you my little friend, I live and die by this rule everyday; "Sex, drugs, rock and roll,Weed, speed, and birth control, Life's a bitch and then you die, So fuck the world and let's get high." Sammy is a good man, kido I mean it. Besides, I wouldn't just give him away to anyone. Yes this sounds like its a crock of shit but hay, isn't life just that anyway? I dream dreams of mutilated corpses, of absolute chaos, of total world domination. I have to wonder how far is too far. What defines a disorder from a disease? Tendancies from disorders? So you sit down with me for what half an hour and I am a fucking borderline? Gee thanks guys, thats fucking sensational, a 15 year old borderline with so many other fucking tendancies to boot...hmmmm sounds like there was a kid who was a tad misdiagnosed...what do you think? 10 bucks says I am only doing this for attention or to convince myself that I am crazy or that I am better than everyone else or that I want to fucked up. well I propose this; 10 bucks that says that you dont give a fuck anyway! How are you to know that this isn't me? That this isn't just a train of thought that had to be let out. I can't decide whether the world hates me more than I hate it or if I hate myself more than i hate the world...
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