Discussion Group

I'm sitting here in this place I made all those years ago. Perhaps someday you will wonder to yourself what happened to me, and you will come here, and read this and you will understand that this day, a day and a half after I found out you were leaving and I realized this means goodbye and this time for good, that this day I spent much not crying at work dammit because I'm a professional and I don't do that any more. Perhaps you will read this and understand that you hold in your hands a piece of my heart and you always will. I will miss you very, very much.

Seven years and some change since I built this place and look at how it has changed and how much has happened. I took our life and threw it into traffic and shattered it into pieces one year and four months ago. It was such a fragile thing by then, our life. I'd lied to you twice, something I swore I would never do again. But I did. And then I took after a much younger woman at work. Who is not fit to clean your shoes but I kept looking for a hatch and looking and I found another woman and this time there was the third lie. The unforgivable one. And it all shattered and entropy won. Put two gasses into a container with a separator and remove the separator and no matter you wait the life of the universe and those gasses will never be separated again. Not for an instance. What is done cannot be not done.

I promised myself several months ago to live a life a lot less public. I can't write, it seems, unless I write about what's hurting me and even then I have to find a way to grab the hurt and understand it. When I would do that in public I wrote things that hurt someone else very badly. Nobody's personal journey of understanding should be another person's journey of frustration, anger and hurt.

So for that and other reasons I shut down my public life and kept everything very straightforward and very calm and very much light. I post cat pictures and YouTube videos and links to goofy things and I never let the world see a crack of the real me any more. It's safer that way. I can't hurt anyone that way, and nobody can hurt me. (Yeah, did I mention someone used my public life to get someone else to cut me out of her life?)Now we are at the end and I find I have to write about it. Soon you will leave my life forever. Perhaps you'll lie to me and tell me you'll keep in touch. But I know you and you'll tell me that what happens is what happens. So I'm leaving this here as a signpost. This is where I was at on June 23, 2007.

I will remember the six years we had together. I will remember calling you "Mr" and I will remember the Morgan Dilemna. I will remember ICQ and the little eye that was in the upper left hand corner that said you were there. I will remember when I started calling you my Queen. I will remember those insane nights with Enola where you stayed up all night and kept me from the very edge. I will remember the first time you called me and we had a three way conversation with your adopted brother.

I will remember visiting you and meeting your friends. I will remember our first kiss and our week together. You want to know something goofy? I most remember holding your hand all the time. I don't know if you remember but my first wife wouldn't hold my hand. I don't even remember why. I'm sure she thought she had a good reason.

I remember helping you move to what became our first place. I remember my stubborn insistence that I have my space. What a fool was I, to spend even one moment apart from you that I didn't have to. I remember the night I was crying and holding your hand and I realized I had found something wonderful. And I asked and you said yes.

I am drawn back to the beginning now that we are at the end. There was nothing wrong that could not have been fixed and instead here at the end I made a different decision.

Please don't let him control you again. You are amazing and wonderful. Please don't believe that all men are like me. They're not. There are plenty of straightforward, honest men in this world.

Please live a happy life.

I will miss you very, very much, my Queen. My love.

Goodbye, MJ.