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Why Daddy Why By: tanya alina sharp on 11/21/2004; 7:45 PM I was just a little kid, Why daddy why, I thought that you loved me, Why daddy why, When I was a little kid you abused me, Why daddy why, I hated myself when you did that, Why daddy hy, I wish you would have stop for my sake, Why daddy why, I didn't want to hate you, Why daddy why,
RE: Why Daddy Why By: Mark Morgan on 11/1/2004; 12:20 AM Tanya, you might want to read the section under "Carriage Returns" in the formatting instructions.
RE: Why Daddy Why By: TomM on 11/1/2004; 2:49 AM I don't know about that Mark. Tanya did put in a break after the first sentence. Cramming the rest of the lines together may be deliberate. It does increase the sense of panic. On the other hand, there are probably better ways to acheive the emotional response.
RE: Why Daddy Why By: tanya alina sharp on 11/3/2004; 9:35 PM I redid the poem. Tanya
RE: Why Daddy Why By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 11/21/2004; 4:08 AM So Tanya. Initial thoughts: abuse is an extremely delicate and yet powerful topic. It's quite charged, emotionally, and literature in that area thus gains so much potential. If you, or someone you know has experienced such things, I must admire your courage, since to relive can be both healing and painful. So, in the technical department, I enjoyed your use of parallel structure. Such devices can lend much to the piece. In this case, it seems to be alternating between fact and thought, and the fact that the thought repeats unchangingly could imply the disbelief and denial, the emotional trauma that accompanies such a thing. So in the one line where you break that pattern, I feel it also breaks some of the emotion, as well. As to style, and of course, I'll hand you a salt shaker, that you have plenty of grains on hand, the minimalist in me (ask richard, really), suggests you consider words with more dimension. Meaning, can you say more with the same number of words, even characters? Abuse is such a cold, scientific word. Abuse. Assault. Depression. They really don't feel like what they describe. I've been going steady with my thesaurus. But really, the piece is done, simply because any changes to it would change it entirely. And whether or not you will continue on a similar line (I've been obsessed lately with series work), is obviously up to you. Sometimes, it helps to read whatever you write aloud. Public readings can initially seem so stupid, but they really help to practice and refine one's voice and tone in a piece. thanks for your unreasonable voice, hope mine was potable. chie p.s. Can you and an ending italics tag?
RE: Why Daddy Why By: Mark Morgan on 11/21/2004; 7:47 PM Interesting. I'm surprised Conversant didn't auto-close all those italics tags. Tanya, I put in the proper HTML to close the italics on your poem so the rest of this page isn't in italics as well. I hope that's okay.
RE: Why Daddy Why By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 11/21/2004; 10:18 PM Can't seem to edit my post now, though... wanted to add (just accidentally typed ass) more returns since I forgot about conversant's return cramming robot mechanisms.
RE: Why Daddy Why By: jennifer faulkner on 5/15/2007; 2:21 PM Aww this brings tears to my eyes
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