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Life, or what passes for it. By: Damon Dixon on 9/3/2004; 8:32 PM Okay I admit it. I'm depressed. Not your typical "I didn't get (insert item) now i'm depressed!" No, this would be the clinical variety. I'm pretty certain I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for a lot of things. I got them any-damn-way. The family I was born to doesn't want me. They say they do but actions speak louder than words. I'm fatigued. I cannot begin to describe just how tired I am. Some people say that they know me. If they really "knew me" they would no doubt want nothing to do with me. My whole life I've been told that I was a good person, worthy of love, unique. What a load of crap. The world has shown me its not-so-tender mercies. Marvin was right. It's rubbish. I've often called myself a writer. I think the Jury's still out on that one. I'm so tired of everything. Nothing surprises me anymore. I look at the election and all this hullaballoo over it. Who cares? It's merely an exercise in futility that we participate in every four years. Those in power stay in power. Or at the very least they stay rich, which is almost the same thing. I've been given alot of responsibility in my life. Parent to my own disfunctional parents. Militry flunkie. Would-be-shaman. Parent to a good friend's child. Only the latter was worthwhile. I didn't know it at the time, but raising that young man was the greatest experience of my life. I love you son. You know who you are. Now there is only emptiness and the knowledge that more of the same is on the way. I just want to sleep the sleep of the damned. It won't happen though. Every day and every night I rail at an unlistening god. I curse him and bemoan my own wretched existence. I don't pray. Tried it. Didn't work. Gave up. I think I'll make that my epitaph. I hear the clarion call of social evolution. It will come too late to save me. I dream of a world where every child potential is fulfilled or at the very least is recognized and permitted to flourish in some small measure. A world without hunger, hatred or greed. A world that is fit to live in. Don't feel sorry for me. That, apparently, is my job. If you must do something for me, fulfil my dreams. I'm sure to many this would sound, at best, nihilistic and at worst, self-indulgent. I suppose at a certain level it could go either way. When we are born we are at the top headed for a lon, slow decline. When we are born we are closest to the source. As we age move away from it and as we get in to middle age we creep back towards the source once again. Or if you're a pessimist, you're born dying. I can't seem to figure out which I belong to. Am I mentally ill? Yes. I suffer from bi-polar disorder also known as manic depression. I attempted to deny my illness for many years. People who know me can attest to this. It really pisses me off when someone asks me "What's wrong? Are you okay?" Once they find out that I'm depressed they'll usually say something glib like "Oh get over it. There's nothing wrong with you." All too often we, as a people, seek to quantify the problems and behaviors of others. All too often we hurt each other in the process. I've done the same thing with friends and family. I've said it and as soon as the words leave my idiot mouth I realize that I've hurt someone badly. The ego is difficult to censor. Medication. I've been on a few. The problem with medicating bi-polar people is we tend to build up a resistance to meds rather quickly. We have to be constantly monitored for drug levels in your system. The real trick is to give a person just the right dose. I used to take lithium. After some 30-odd years of doctors prescribing lithium to bi-polar patients, only within the last 10 years have they actually began to understand HOW lithium affects the brain. It turned me into one mean sumbitch. My doctor tried on me with bad results. Medicating a bi-polar is almost always hit-or-miss. Most of these drugs are meant to alter the balance of chemicals in the human brain. What ends up happening is that even if the right balnce is achieved it won't last for long. So what you end up with is a silent predator of the mind. A wolf that always finds his prey. Oh sure, you might be able to throw him off the scent but he is always on the prowl. A full 20% of bi-polars commit suicide annually. I'm not sure what how many of us there are in the U.S. at present but are numbers are growing. Don't belive me? Check out anti-depressant sales reported last year. We're talking sales in the millions. This isn't funny. When I say I'm tired of all this, I'm not just being "self-indulgent". It's true that I have good days. Always followed by bad weeks, months. So far my disease is incurable. All medical scince can offer is temporary abatement. About 3 years ago I heard a report that in some cases manic depression can dovetail into schizophrenia. I don't know if that's true, but he very thought of it scares the hell out of me. It's bad enough to out of control of one's emotions. It's worse to be out of control of one's personality. There also seems to be some minor similarities with both conditions. Suicidal tendencies, extreme swings of despair followed by euphoria. Extreme bouts of anger. I've felt the "transition" as well. It's the radical unexpected shift from euphoria to mind-numbing bone crushing despair. Imagine yourself wading on a beach. You decide to do a little body surfing. The water's nice and cool on your body. The sun's out but it's not too hot. You've felt cool waves crash upon your body. They're nice. You're having a good time. Then a new wave comes in. Instead of a nice mellow wave it's a big one. It smashes you into the water. It pushes you down under the surf. You struggle to breath to head back to the surface and you can't breath. You finally fight your way to the surface. You're body wracked with pain. Now imagine that this "transition" takes less than a second. One second your happy. The next second you wnat to die. Do I want to die? Not always. Why dont I just eat a bullet? As bizarre as this may sound, I don't think things have gotten bad enough. I do know that one day I will lose this battle. I just don't know when.
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