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Closed Lips By: aeon_the_fussiest on 3/22/2003; 12:12 AM If it was the daughter, such as Francesca? Living alone...Understanding why it is so quiet, serene. No certainty. So very unbound. Unstable? Why Francesca? Why without damn fear? You have been too contemporary to be class... Why so selflessly genuine? Tell me, is such really so unbound? its no good. No good for me and you... Oh my dear Francesca! Tell this forevermore... tell this disease! Take my love. talk of it. Talk of it without a voice. I cast aside the things i feel inside... I let it burn me out in the cold... To play in the day and in the night with the comets, the stars, and the moon. The only witnesses to my despair...my loneliness... Oh Francesca... Why you and i cant tell? Be silent. Be still... (shhhh...) They will haunt and exile us. They might know why our lips are closed. (no need to tell anybody anyway... they're too shallow and dumb to understand a single word our lips would tell.. )
RE: Closed Lips By: R.A.B. on 3/22/2003; 12:39 AM The words are scattered but they are bounded by the same idea. Expression of love without the usage of words...cool.
RE: Closed Lips By: Carlo de los Santos on 3/23/2003; 7:57 PM the lines are too long, delete some ellipsis...it would turn out that the reader would be the one to create the way of the poem instead of you doing it. It was my major problem before...but i like some lines...
RE: Closed Lips By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 3/29/2003; 7:34 AM As a possible solution to The lengthiness of the lines (which isn't necessarily a problem) you could simply put a line break where the elipses are, thus you express the pause. Since you're using a free style, then it shouldn't make a difference, unless of course, you're using a meter that I didn't see at first read. Good poem though. It has the feeling of one of those really good poems translated from some distant language... maybe the language of not speaking.
RE: Closed Lips By: Ben C on 3/30/2003; 8:50 PM what is meter, and all this other fancy poetry stuff i don't know about, and where do i learn about them?
RE: Closed Lips By: Richard Davidson on 3/30/2003; 11:49 PM Tell this forevermore... tell this disease! This is lovely. This is poetry. This is why we write. I want to find a reason to say that to someone. "Tell this disease." It's got a good beat, and I can dance to it. I'll give it a 9.
RE: Closed Lips By: R.A.B. on 3/31/2003; 4:12 AM >what is meter, and all this other fancy poetry stuff i don't know about, and where do i learn about them? Seriously ben, you don't know? Try this site http://www.uni.edu/english/craft/index.html Hope it helps.
RE: Closed Lips By: Ben C on 4/5/2003; 6:25 PM Whoa... Cool. Thanks sir.
RE: Closed Lips By: R.A.B. on 4/5/2003; 6:47 PM errr...ok
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