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Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 2/23/2003; 11:04 PM OK, I know, this isn't really an essay, but I have some things to say, and being that I've continued a story past Part IV, right here on this very site, I feel I have a right. And if I'm wrong, the hell with you all. (hee hee) Anyway, the Percotran Saga is up to Part MCMLVII or so by now, and though I'm getting better with Roman Numerals all the time, I still haven't had much help. Oh sure, I've had the usual feedback: Richard you're a genius; Richard you're an idiot; Richard could you pour me another cup of coffee, etc, but any actual criticism came early, and was grammatical in nature. So what I'm really looking for is some NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. What doesn't work in this story? What feels contrived? Are there characters that leave you feeling disappointed, due to the shallowness with which they are drawn? Chie pointed out that the numerous ocean scenes were making her feel a bit seasick, and frankly, she should try being on THIS side of it; man where's the Dramamine when you really need it? Many of you authors are quite young. I, on the other hand, am old as the hills. Does that make you feel intimidated to lash out at me, and call me on my weaknesses? God, I hope not. I consider many of you to have more talent in you pinky than I have in my whole knuckle; and I'd like you to write the rest of the story for me. Just kidding about that last part, but something about this story is making me a bit uneasy, and I'm not sure what it is. To be honest, I have the closing three chapters sketched out in my mind, but I refuse to even entertain them, other than scribbling some outline notes on little yellow sticky notes, until I have a suitable vehicle to arrive there. So I figure, while I'm doing all that, some of you young geniuses can give me some knocks. Would you be so kind? I promise, there's nothing you can say that will make me commit suicide, or cancel my subscription to the CD of the month club, or even cancel my satellite, since I BOUGHT the damn dish. If you have nothing, fine, I guess, but really people, you are some of the best and brightest, and I'm guessing at least one of you has read a book before. I keep trying to bring people over to critique, but so far I keep getting "interesting story." Interesting? My God, that's a horrible insult! Ladies, can you imagine if you put on your sexiest swimsuit, and asked your favorite man what he thought, and he said "interesting?" How about if you proposed a theory to reunite the world's disenfranchised people? Now I admit, I haven't done anything as important as either of those two things here, but I want to sell this garbage, and quit my job. I have a photography business going, which I'd have more time for if I didn't have to work 8-5 at some dreary corporate hell, and I can't stomach the thought of shopping this dreck to eighty or ninety thousand publishing houses, only to find out that it really IS dreck, and I'm not just pretending to be humble, so no one on this site knows the truth about my enormous ego. R.A.B, don't you hate just about everything? You'd be a great source of defeatist ravings about the way the story jumps around too much, or something. Rachell, Chie, I mention you both in my bio, and for Chie I invented the island of Japania, which just MAY be based on a real place in our time. I think it's time you two got a bit nastier, and really told me where I screwed up. And Mark! My God, isn't this your site, or something? How DO you feel about me polluting it with Part after tedious Part, having no concern whatsoever for the poor readers, who I keep dragging into this mindless prose? Well, I've given you all a basic framework for what I'm asking, so have some fun, and remember, I'm an evil man, who frequently kicks cute puppies and bunnies, and lobbies to get the Death Penalty expanded to cover speeding tickets. Thank you, and have a horrible night. You bastards!
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 2/24/2003; 3:27 AM Well Richard I'm quite new to this community so I haven't been around to follow Percotran from the very beginning that is why I didn't post any replies concerning Percotran; which means I have more than 20 chapters to make up, which I can't read all probably 'till semmester's end here in the Philippines which is a month from now. Anyway, if you're willing to wait for atleast a month I'd be willing to give you all the disheartening parts of Percotran. Anyway as for the hating everything part, I am just in that mood when there is a whole lot of school crap that I've got to take care of. Usualy on summers I get to have a sunny disposition.
Re: Percotran so far By: Seth Dillingham on 2/24/2003; 8:33 AM On 2/23/2003, Richard Davidson said: >So what I'm really looking for is some NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. OK, while I like the storyline and the suspense you've generated, I'm finding it difficult to keep track of all the characters. While the time-traveller seems to be the main character, he's not getting any more word-space than some of the other characters. Seth
RE: Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 2/24/2003; 8:45 PM OK, I'm getting out my Big Book of Percotran Criticisms, and putting Seth down for "Not enough face time for the main character; introducing new characters too frequently." Thanks Seth! While not particularly negative, it is definately helpful. Anything else you DIDN'T like? I'm not hearing that anything is too contrived, or ridiculous. That's good, unless people are HOLDING BACK, which would be a shame. You did manage to slip a compliment in there about liking the storyline and suspense, but I will try not to be offended. I can tell you that Alexander will end up being "The Man" again, but you've made me wonder if I should stick a few "Alexander oriented" chapters in, between some of the chapters I've already written. By the way, have you ever noticed how SHORT these chapters are? That's either a tribute to Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle," (my all time favorite novel,) or a tribute to my laziness, which is the more likely supposition. R.A.B, you don't know me too well yet, but take my word for it; if I mention you at all, I like you, and my "hates everything" comment was just a little rib based on something you posted. Good luck with your studies, and remember, a College education never did amount to a damn thing, anyway. (Just kidding; all of you who are in school study hard, or you might end up working for Percolex.) You seem like a good guy, with some talent for expressing yourself, so keep at it. Remember though, I write 'em one at a time, so you don't need to immerse yourself in the herculean task of reading all of them at once. Anything I can do to distract you from your schoolwork will make me feel I'm doing my part. See you all soon! I don't have a chapter for tonight, but that's because I'm half dead from helping my wife get her truck unstuck Saturday night, and just as my tired and sore back was starting to recover, I lugged a Palm Tree through the snow, and I'm not making that up, either. I always ask the plant guy at my work if he's got any extra plants, and today he had a Cane Plant, which looks like a Palm Tree, so that's what most of us call it; and I knew my wife would love it, as she is even crazier than I am, so I brought the damn thing home. We've got some major drifting here, you know.
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 2/24/2003; 9:48 PM That's the luxury of living on the tropical part of the world, everytin's warm and comfy. No snowed-in days to take the comfort away(although wet, rainy seasons could kill ya).
RE: Percotran so far By: Seth Dillingham on 2/25/2003; 10:07 AM On 2/24/2003, Richard Davidson said: >OK, I'm getting out my Big Book of Percotran Criticisms, and >putting Seth down for "Not enough face time for the main >character; introducing new characters too frequently." Thanks >Seth! While not particularly negative, it is definately helpful. To be honest, the main character has had so little face time that I couldn't even remember his name was Alexander until you mentioned it below. >Anything else you DIDN'T like? I'm not hearing that anything is >too contrived, or ridiculous. That's good, unless people are >HOLDING BACK, which would be a shame. You did manage to slip a >compliment in there about liking the storyline and suspense, but >I will try not to be offended. Yeah, there was something, but I'm dredging this up from memory. At one point much earlier in the story you were introducing a whole bunch of "technology" (I use the term loosely) all at once with crazy-large numbers attached to them. I remember at one point thinking, "this is ridiculous." It was the only point of the story that I was tired of reading it, because it seemed just a shade too silly. >I can tell you that Alexander will end up being "The Man" again, >but you've made me wonder if I should stick a few "Alexander >oriented" chapters in, between some of the chapters I've already >written. I can only tell you what I think is wrong, not how to fix it. ;-) >By the way, have you ever noticed how SHORT these chapters are? No complaints here, it makes the store feel very fast-paced in spite of the days-between-chapters. (The "jumping around" contributes to that, too.) [...] >We've got some major drifting here, you know. Heh. A double meaning! You're talking about aboth this message (which has seriously drifted and is in danger of falling off the radar), and the snow in your yard, right? Seth
RE: Percotran so far By: ScottN on 2/25/2003; 1:56 PM I'd have to agree with Seth... It's hard to keep track of who's who and doing what. BTW, you have a mind like a pretzel... this is not a bad thing.
RE: Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 2/25/2003; 7:48 PM Scott, Seth, I have a question for both of you, and it's very important in helping me determine where to go from here: Do either of you enjoy Stephen King, especially "The Dead Zone," "The Stand," or "Pet Cemetary?" ESPECIALLY "The Dead Zone." I would appreciate if you both would address that. It's very, very important, and will help me immensely. Seth, thanks for getting the double meaning. I use those alot, but some of them are so damn subtle, even I don't get them. Scott: So does this mean George W. Bush could potentially choke on my mind? Oh, one more thing: Who are some of your favorite authors, and have you ever read Vonnegut?
RE: Percotran so far By: Mark Morgan on 2/25/2003; 8:01 PM I have some comments on Percotran, but I want to get through all the parts so far. Richard (and everyone)--while it's not completely clear, this kind of thread is probably most appropriate for the Cauldron. Will everyone clap their hands for me and say "I do believe Mark will finish Unreason's upgrade"?
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 2/26/2003; 7:41 AM Clap! Clap! Clap! whoohoo! Go Mark! Show this website what you're made of. Richard I think I'd start reading chapter one tonight, as I'v told you in a month you'll get my criticisms, good or bad. All I need now is coffee and a nice bath and then I'd be on my way.
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 2/26/2003; 8:17 AM So far, after reading chapters 1 and 2, I think your story is a little bit fast paced. I think this is because of some lack in the visualization of the atmosphere. The atmosphere of a writing, poetry or prose, is a very important aspect in stimulating the visualization of the reader's thoughts towards the writing. Add some spice in the description of the surrounding. Make it complex like what reality is, or how you really picture the reality of the story. Give the readers picture clear surroundings, descriptions that paint pictures. Besides this I don't see anything wring so far. The story's great and Alexander seems to be cool, although I like the pirate better, he's crazy-so far. I have not yet looked beyond chapter 2 so I may be wrong about this but so far this is what I saw. Anyway the concept is good, science fiction themes don't really capture my fancy but Percotran is an exception. Believe me, I like it.
RE: Percotran so far By: ScottN on 2/26/2003; 1:20 PM Richard, Don't like King in general. I liked the movie (and the series) of The Dead Zone, and I liked his novel The Shining as written. I've read Vonnegut (Cat's Cradle, Slaughterhouse 5, and some others), and I can take him or leave him. As for some of my favorite authors: I think that MY problem with Percotran is that when reading, I don't like serializations. I'm old fashioned as well... I like to flip back and forth in a real dead-tree book. So if it was written identically, but in hardcopy, I could flip back and forth easily and figure out what the heck is going on. I suspect that the problem is therefore more with format than content.
RE: Percotran so far By: Seth Dillingham on 2/26/2003; 1:45 PM On 2/25/2003, Richard Davidson said: >Scott, Seth, I have a question for both of you, and it's very >important in helping me determine where to go from here: > >Do either of you enjoy Stephen King, especially "The Dead Zone," >"The Stand," or "Pet Cemetary?" I enjoy Stephen King, but he's not my favorite. I've read all of the above, but it's been years and I don't remember how much I liked them. I enjoyed "It" and "Christine" the most, though they're not on your list. >ESPECIALLY "The Dead Zone." Yes, I liked the The Dead Zone story, though it's been so long since I read it that I don't remember much about the writing style or pace of the story to say how I feel about them. My favorite author is probably Stephen R. Donaldson, who (if you've read any of his works) obviously specialized in character development. The double-trilogy based on Thomas Covenant is my all-time favorite, though I liked the trilogy more than the second. Seth
RE: Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 2/26/2003; 6:13 PM I hope you guys know just how helpful you've been. I appreciate the time and effort you've spent on the story. What I can tell you is that this has all got to come together now, if it's to actually be a book. I am certainly going to try.
RE: Percotran so far By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 2/27/2003; 8:25 AM I like king a lot.. christine was great, especially since I know this girl (christine, who obsesses over her car jason) The movie misery was great, as was the green mile, but i wants as impressed by the books. needful things was good...
Speaking of King... By: ScottN on 2/27/2003; 11:47 AM Just out of curiosity... how was the novel of The Shawshank Redemption? The movie was brilliant, but haven't read the novel.
RE: Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 2/27/2003; 9:44 PM I'm pretty sure "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption" was a novella; part of "Different Seasons," if I'm not mistaken. It may actually be a better film than story, but I can't say, as it's been years since I read it. I was definately expecting R.A.B.'s comment; in fact, I thought I'd get it sooner. I always have the option, once the action has reached its conclusion of going back and adding more visualizations. Not sure if I will or not at this time. Just so everybody knows, I HATE Science Fiction, and almost never read it. So why I'm writing it is an even bigger mystery. I absolutely LOVE Douglas Adams, and consider him one of the greatest writers of all time. I miss him very much. Heinlein, Aasimov and Clarke are all writers I was forced to read, due to being the only thing available other than L'Amour, at a time when I had alot of time on my hands. These three all pissed me off bad, due to the fact that they didn't seem to write female characters very well, and any interaction between the leads and the females was clumsy. Made me think these stodgy men had very poor love lifes. L'Amour is actually underrated, and if you've never read him, I think you should. I was surprised at the level of humanity he brought to some of the characters. Percotran Part XXVIII is halfway done, but I'm really busy right now, so it won't be posted before tomorrow, at the soonest; maybe not until Saturday. I'm trying very hard to balance my usual insane writing style with a desire to be just a teeny bit more "mainstream," but more than anything I want this to be uniquely me. It appears I'm succeeding at that much, and as for the mainstream element, I had a guy who reads Star Trek novels and the like very excited about the first XX chapters, which I gave him in double spaced manuscript form. Chie: I read "Misery" before it was a movie, and loved it, however Kathy Bates is so damn powerful that the movie just might blow the book away. Thanks again, to all of you. I have mentioned that this is the best damned site on the internet, haven't I? Let's all hear it for Mark's GREAT idea!
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 2/28/2003; 6:45 AM Richard, I've read chapters 3 and 4 and I'm getting hooked to this story of yours. It's pretty great I must say. I didn't find any other flaw on these two chapters so I can't give you any Negative feedback. By the way, where did Ted reminisce his name from?
RE: Percotran so far By: ScottN on 2/28/2003; 1:38 PM Richard, "definitely", not "definately".
RE: Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 2/28/2003; 11:35 PM Allright, Alrite! I sed you could critisize my STORY, not correct my speling during discushens. Next. i suppose yer gointa, start in; on my puncshoayshun?
RE: Percotran so far By: Ben C on 3/11/2003; 7:20 PM I'll admit this site's pretty damn addictive. :)
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 3/11/2003; 8:34 PM Heh it's like PCP.
RE: Percotran so far By: Ben C on 3/11/2003; 10:43 PM stop commenting on every damn thing man, you addict
RE: Percotran so far By: Daryl Del Rosario on 3/12/2003; 5:00 AM Hahaha! Ronald Addict Benusa!
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 3/12/2003; 5:24 AM Man I'm terribly bummed these days.
RE: Percotran so far By: Rachelle King on 3/13/2003; 5:30 AM OK, while I like the storyline and the suspense you've generated, I'm finding it difficult to keep track of all the characters. I have mixed emotions about this. You see, as everyone on this site probably knows, David Lynch is one of my favorite directors and I am pretty partial to the whiplash effect. However, I do feel like the characters need to be more rounded, or in other words, have more meat. Maybe instead of jumping into different characters during the middle, or what I assume is the middle, of the story, you could dedicate a chapter or single chapters to the introduction of each character from the begining. It would take a lot of creative rewriting, but you are more than capable, if you wanted to consider it. Scott: So does this mean George W. Bush could potentially choke on my mind? Oh man, I almost split a seam laughing at that! Another suggestion would be to re-think the length of your paragraphs. Sometimes I have noted that some of them could be lumped together as they are closely related. This is only once in a while, though, as you have much diologue and that has to be split up for easier reading. I think the short paragraphs might have more to do with the formatting of the threads. Did that make any sense? WHOAH-I need some sleep. As for reading materials: I have read Tolkien and the only King book I read was the one where the main character has a split personality. I think they made a movie out of it. Anywho, it wasn't a favorite. Lately, I am reading indy books: Prison Writings: My Life is My Sun Dance, by Leonard Peltier Stupid White Men, by Micheal Moore Bomb the Suburbs, by William Upski Wimsatt The Republic of East L.A., by Luis Rodriguez I also enjoy Toni Morrison, Jane Austin, Sandra Cisneros, Amy Tan, Louise Erdrich and short stories: Sonny's Blues, by James Baldwin The Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka poetry: The Before Columbus Day Poetry Anthology Langston Hughs Marge Piercy
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 3/13/2003; 7:42 AM It's "Austen" Rachelle. Amy Tan? Great. Rachelle's right though, the characters need more meat. They're somewhere in between flat and rounded. I hope the climax in your novel would be a blast. Anyway Richard, I'm quite fond of novels that explores human emotions. Quite feminish right? Well heck I don't care! I think it's more interesting than other themes. Well here's what I usually read: Catcher in the Rye: J.D. Salinger( my Idol, that's why I write monologues) Ernest Hemmingway, John Steinbeck, Alice Walker...um...Harper Lee...James Joyce, Poe and a bunch more which I'm too lazy to include here. I'm into classics. As for poetry...e e cummings, William Carlos Williams, Edna St. Vincent-Millay, LeRoi Jones, Dylan Thomas, Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, Tennyson, Robert Browning, Elizabeth Barrett Browning and a bunch of filipino poets w/c I think you are not familiar with like Jose garcia Villa. Anyway I'm reading Finnegan's Wake by the psychotic author James Joyce right now which, frankly, I think cannot be read by anybody else except James Joyce himself. Could any of you guys help me with the giberish and puns in it? Just tell me some sites which could tranlate those giberish and I would be eternally grateful. Oh,and Stephen King RULES!!!
RE: Percotran so far By: Rachelle King on 3/13/2003; 1:20 PM It's "Austen" Rachelle. Eww, sorry! I did not know I was being tested professor. Did you happen to look at the time in which I wrote it? Yeah, that's really early. I thought you read my bio, I am notorious for spelling mistakes, so you had better get use to making those comments. ;) Anywho, more of what I wanted to say, Richard, was that I torn on the idea of a story that jumps around in this manner. I am torn because I have a taste, if you have not noticed from my reading list, for neo-classics and edgier, out there literature. Literature that takes risks in being published because it does not fit the criteria of "mainstream," for lack of a better word, literature. If you really want this published, you might be taking a risk with the format. You know I would buy, it just might be hard to find a publisher that would. On the other hand, you may have a one-up because your material is unique. All this depends on so many different things, though, it is hard to say, ya know. I guess you will find out after the manuscripts start to pile up in large cardboard box by the door. (Which they will probably do for the first couple of months regardless of your brillance.) Hope this is helpful.
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 3/13/2003; 6:41 PM Hehehehe *notorius laugh* I thought for a minute there you were refering to Stone Cold Steve AUSTIN, hehehe...wonder if he wrote a book? Rachelle you haven't posted for a while, you in some kind of a block? I hope I can read new works from you 'cause your works are good and fun to read. Hope you'd post somethin' soon:)
RE: Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 3/13/2003; 7:14 PM I appreciate all the comments people have made, and will take it all into account on the re-write. This version of the story has gotten away from me, and I don't have much control of it anymore. The damn story is writing itself, and all I seem to be doing is typing it. If I had more time, I could finish the whole thing in a few days, but I'm very busy, so a lot of story is just floating around in cyberspace, trying to land. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet. I can't decide if it's serious enough, or funny enough, or strange enough, because frankly, I've written things that were a lot stranger. And don't be one. In XXXV I use a joke so old my grandmother would throw a tomato, but it fit the situation, so what choice did I have? It's not easy being a writer. All these people living in your head! You try to give them whole worlds to run around in, but ultimately those worlds themselves live in your head. And who's got room for all that? Some of them are going to WAR with each other, for God's sake, and millions of fictional people's lives are at stake. Maybe even billions. Sure, they're fictional, so it's easy not to feel for them, but why be cold? We all cried when Lady thought the Tramp was no good, so why not worry about the innocents of my story? Many of them have CHILDREN, and pets, and lovely vacation homes that they can never go to because they're always on overtime. So take a minute to cry for THEM.
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 3/13/2003; 7:56 PM sniff! sniff! huhuhuhuh! whaaa! *crybaby* *joke*
RE: Percotran so far By: Rachelle King on 3/14/2003; 3:45 PM RAB, I have become consumed in the life that is a moderator/student/worker bee/activist. Actually, I have been focusing on revitalizing some older works. I promise to get my stuff in gear very soon, though, so keep an eye open for me.
RE: Percotran so far By: R.A.B. on 3/14/2003; 6:44 PM Hahaha your in college now right? Alright I understand. College is the period where you get really busy.
RE: Percotran so far By: Vlad Vostok on 9/11/2003; 9:18 PM include plenty of anal scenes
RE: Percotran so far By: Richard Davidson on 9/12/2003; 10:22 PM Vlad, what the hell is wrong with you?
RE: Percotran so far By: Brian Webber on 9/13/2003; 2:37 AM Ignore him Rich. I'm reading the novel Welcome To Percotran. I only started it today and I'm already about a 1/3 of the way through. Consdiering it took me almost two months to finish reading The Hobbit this is a pretty damn good pace. :-) Then again I read the first 4 Harry Potters in a couple hours shy of 13 days.
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