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Becoming An Adult By: Jeff Moore on 12/4/2002; 2:26 AM I chatted online with a female friend. The conversation went something like this Sorry I disappeared for a few minutes, I was tucking my daughter in. She became an adult today. Oh, is she ok? Does she understand it all? Yeah. Oh, she's a little disappointed, but not surprised. I told her she just gets to enjoy some of the more magical parts of life from the other side of the fence now. Uh That is neat that you and she can talk. Yes. I told her that I remembered when it happened to me. I wasn't too surprised. What? Oh, please don't tell me you told her that. Youll confuse the hell out of her. Why? She should know she's not alone. These are kinds of changes all young girls and boys have to deal with eventually. Yeah, but These are important rites of passage to adulthood. She deserves to hear the stories of those who went before her. Well, that is true, but I thought uh never mind. LOL I thought you were teasing her about you having started YOUR period. PERIOD?!?! How are you dealing with the fact that your little girl is now a young woman? Errr am I off base? Didnt she start her period??? OMG, NO! We just told her about Santa Claus! In all fairness, I suppose I can see how my friend got the wrong idea. Without too much coaxing, I might even admit that I was taking advantage of the medium to pull her leg on purpose. That would explain the name she called me that I omitted from above. The underlying truth in the conversation shouldnt be lost though. My little girl wanted to know about Santa Claus. Her mother actually took the honors on that conversation. Over the course of the talk, Im told the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny also fell from grace. My wife tells me that at one point, my daughter looked up at her and asked, Then are all the mythical creatures not real? Having asked these questions, and having been willing to hear the answers, she took a step away from her status as a little girl, and one toward her own adulthood. It has affected me profoundly, this sudden desire for truth over magic from my daughter. My mental image of her growing up, and becoming a whole person in her own right, is suddenly vivid to me. While the Santa talk alone would be a notable event to any parent, the last few days have been full of events in that vein. About a year ago, she went to a friends house for a sleep-over. Around 11:30 that night, I was called to pick her up. She was okay, but sad and homesick. She missed her Mommy, her Daddy, and her own bed. When I got there, she was acting very composed, but her cheeks were pink, and her eyes were a little puffy. I could tell she was very happy to see me. As sorry as I was that she had been upset, it was nice to be needed. Two nights ago, she tried again: another chance at a sleep-over with the same friend. I told her I thought she would be fine, but that she could call me if she needed to. I would come to get her. I kept the phone with me until bedtime well after 1:00am. The other phone was in the bedroom, just in case. No call came until the next morning though. She just wanted us to know that she was invited to go shopping and then to lunch before being dropped home. Okay, dear, I said. As I hung up the phone, I thought I heard the whoosh of a passing milestone. The first thing that actually brought my attention to all of this happened that same night. She has her first e-mail account now. In her fifth grade class, each student is given an account on a protected school server as part of their introduction to the internet. She can only e-mail between herself and other addresses that have been pre-approved. She told me that she would read her e-mail while at her friends house. I added myself to her list, and sent her a simple note: Hi Honey, I just wanted to say hi. I hope youre having fun. I love you. - Dad I started to sign Daddy. I couldnt seem to type the last two letters in good conscience, though. The whole intent of the note was that she might get it while sitting with her friend. Daddy seemed too little-girly. When did that happen? I wanted to sign Daddy, but I suddenly thought that she might rather I didnt. That e-mail, the first event, was a small thing, but it left me a little reflective. The phone call, or rather the lack of one, really made me more fully aware. I consciously realized that she is not the same kid she was just a year ago. Her wanting to know about Santa Claus finally drove it all home. In just a day, in just one talk, she had grown up a little bit before my eyes. Of course, Becoming An Adult is a gross over-statement of whats happened in the last few days. Shes changing and growing and becoming something new. She turning in to a different kind of wonderful. Last night, she sat down beside me on the couch, and wrapped my arm around her. This years Christmas tree was before us, freshly decorated. Beyond it, a Christmas special played on the TV. She talked to me about her sleep-over, her up coming science fair, and her memories of the various ornaments we could see that she had made. Soon enough, bedtime came. Before sending her down the hall, I gave her a little squeeze, and told her, I love you, dear. She said, I love you, too, Daddy. Daddy. How happy that made me. She is daily taking steps toward the adult part of her life. Id never try to stop her, but Im thankful that she still has a ways to go.
RE: Becoming An Adult By: ScottN on 12/4/2002; 6:10 PM Jeff, I hear you, man. My little girls are 10 and 12. I haven't told them about the Tooth Fairy -- I think they know, but want to let ME pretend... The older one os beginning to be at the age where my simple presence is embarrassing, and she calls me "Dad" most of the time, but I still treasure the moments when she calls me "Daddy. The younger one still thinks boys are icky (thank goodness for small favors), but the older one now tells me which movie stars are "cute" (Tobey Macguire aka Spiderman). I'm not ready for this.
RE: Becoming An Adult By: lindsay on 12/4/2002; 9:41 PM wow, now i realize why my dad acts the way he does. I'm 15 and just starting to date, and my dad is freaking out. i was/am a daddy's girl, but i'm interested in boys, and in one way he's happy for me, but the other, he's wishing he could turn back time and spend more time with me before i started dating. i still believed in santa clause in 5th grade. i think that is the year that everyone was saying.... "there's no Santa!! didn't you know that? it's not possible!!" i don't remember exactly how i found out about Santa, but i know it was in the 5th grade. now it's fun with my little cousins, 8 and 5, to talk about Santa. I get to relive that childhood memory, which is a nice thing, especially for an only child.
RE: Becoming An Adult By: Evan on 12/4/2002; 10:48 PM I can remember when my mother told me about Santa Claus. I cried and cried and cried and cried, I didn't know until then that it was physically possible for a person to cry for 15 hours straight. I'm still somewhat bitter about the fact that my parents lied to me until I was thirteen. I'm also starting to tear up again just thinking about it. At any rate, I fail to see what the advantages are to becoming an "adult", at least emotionally and socially. Children have more active imaginations than most adults, because they live both within the real world and in the world of their minds. As they grow up, the world of the mind fades in favor of the concrete world of reality. This can take much of the savor and fun out of life. I might go into more detail, or I might just refer you guys to the essay I already wrote on this topic http://www.voicesofunreason.com/essays/maturitystinks
RE: Becoming An Adult By: Michelle on 12/5/2002; 2:29 AM Bravo Jeff! I loved this story. What more can I say?
RE: Becoming An Adult By: Jeff Moore on 12/5/2002; 2:33 AM Lindsay, be kind to your poor father. My girls are 9 and 11. I don't even want to THINK about boys yet. Fortunately, they don't either. Oh, I know it's coming. Lord help me. :-) Evan, I agree with you that weaving the two worlds of maturity and immaturuity is the way to go (paraphrasing you). The last thing I ever want is for the girls to loose their sense of the magic, and just fun, that the latter can give. Both of them are totally imaginative creatures, as they should be. Actually, they're just plain silly most of the time. I take a little credit for helping keep that alive in them. I am forever impressed by the worlds that pour forth from them. The Santa talk happening was a little sad for me. I hate to see that icon fall out of hard reality, but that's how things are. Her friends are talking, and she wanted to know. I'm okay with that. My only concern is that she not grow up to be someone that no longer believes in it at all anymore. We've tried to let her see, as we will when her sister "comes of age", how he really does exist in all those other wonderful ways once explained to little Virginia. (see http://www.barricksinsurance.com/virginia.html among others) There needn't be a castle at the North Pole, or an annual trip down our chimney for Santa to live on. It's okay if she knows that her father has eaten all those cookies, drunk all that milk, and helped Mom fill the stockings. Her stocking will be no less full in the morning this year. It may have a little less mystery inside. It will still be full of toys and treats. Also, there will still be lots of surprise, wonder, and love. That's the most important thing.
RE: Becoming An Adult By: Meg Irving on 12/8/2002; 12:35 AM ah man, i was told when i was five. 1st grade. i feel so deprived. and of course all the parents at school hated me for spreading the word.
RE: Becoming An Adult By: lindsay on 12/8/2002; 1:53 AM you were one of the people who i argued with... not really with YOU but i argued with other peeps who tried to tell me that there wasn't. it's kinda funny, i remember one specific time when it happened... i remember hearing someone argue that he was a spirit... some said he didn't exist, i said, "he exists, i don't know how, but he does. i just believed it. no matter what anyone said, i would believe it. sometimes now my mom puts out things, like books or little things like that, just to go along with christmas. i still get just as excited about it even though i know the truth. what does santa have in store for me this year?
RE: Becoming An Adult By: Mark Morgan on 12/8/2002; 2:14 AM My mom likes to talk about how mad she got at the woman who ran some daycare for busting Santa. I clearly remember her telling us "If there is a Santa, why are there presents under the tree before Christmas?" Hell hath no fury like my mom pissed off. Tactical nukes have no fury like my mom pissed off. It was a pretty easy argument for mom to refute, too, because every Christmas "Santa" would give us presents, presents that didn't arrive until sometime late the night before. Mom still does that. A strong family will get you through anything, ya know?
RE: Becoming An Adult By: Matthew Patterson on 12/8/2002; 4:08 AM I'm not sure there was *ever* a time when I really believed in Santa. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that I was, as my dad put it, "born 13 years old." Seriously, I remember a bunch of stuff that I said and thought when I was little, and some of it I don't even think I could get away with *now*, much less when I was four. I've always been rather focused on the actual reality of any particular situation, and I think in this one I realized early on that it doesn't matter if there's a fat guy in a red suit or not; someone is giving me the presents, so why worry about the details?
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