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Getting To Know Jody - A Biography By: Jody on 5/31/2002; 11:29 AM Many Moons Ago I Was Asked To Write A Biography For Myself But Never Got Around To It, Well Here It Finally Is. I Shall Refer To The Small Essay I Wrote In The "Additional Information" Box In The Job Application Form I Filled In Prior to Getting My Current Job At A Condom Factory "Hello, My Name Is Jody Smith And I, Like 1 In Every 3567 Males Born In The United Kingdom, Suffer With Priapism. For Those Not In The Know Priapism Rears Its Ugly Head In The Form Of A Continuous Erection, It Is An Issue Which Is The Cause Of Embarrassment To Its Sufferers But After Much Counselling I've Finally Worked Up The Balls To Set The Record Straight. Priapism Is A Complaint Named After Priapus, The Roman And Greek God Of Procreative Power, Son Of Dionysos And Aphrodite. In Mythical Times Priapus Would Be Responsible For Deflowering Every Virgin, And This Without The Use Of Viagra Or Any Other Stimulant. However Priapism Isnt All Fun And Games, In The Paragraphs To Follow I Will Give You A Short Run Down On The Many Ways In Which Priapism Has Altered My Life. I Was First Diagnosed As Suffering Priapism Aged Just Three, My Mother Was Curious As To Why I Was Continually Having To Bend Double To Urinate Into The Toilet Bowl And She Subsequently Took Me To Our Local Medical Practice To See A Doctor. I Was Referred To A Specialist In America (Where Priapism Is Much More Common Place) And My Mother Helped Raise The Airfare. She Did So By Relieving The Sexual Desires Of The Portion Of Society With Embarassing STD's Which Had Seen Them Ostracised By The Single White Populous Of Northern England. My Father Was Also Very "Hands On" With His Support, Offering Hand Jobs At £8 And Blow Jobs (Spit Not Swallow) At £18, Undercutting Those Prices Offered By Local Prostitutes And Resulting In Businessmen Flocking To Our Door. However The Trip Across The Atlantic Proved Fruitless As The Specialist Could Find No Suitable Solution To My Problem And Alas I Am Destined For A Life As A Social Outcast. The Doctor Did However Reassure Me That My Mental Ineptitude Is Directly Connected To Priapism, Which Reduces The Blood Flow To The Brain, Starving It Of Oxygen And Meaning My Brain And Central Nervous System Is Not Capable Of Functioning At A Level Familiar To "Normal" People. I Was Also Offered A Vast Amount Of Comfort From The Various "Uncles" My Father Brought Back To Our House, Presumably They Were Uncles On My Fathers Side Of The Family Because My Mother Would Be Intensely Cold To Them Whereas My Father Was Tremendously Affectionate With Them Anyway Regardless Of Family Politics They Were All Extremely Helpful, Even Offering To Check And See If My Erection Was As Strong As Ever, Which It Was. They Tried Various Alternate Therapy Techniques But No Amount Of Testicle Fondling And Such Like Could Dampen My Erection Any, I Have No Idea How Punching Them In The Bollocks Would Help But It Allowed Me To At Least Rid Myself Of A Little Pent Up Aggression And They Took A Certain Something From It Also. As I Grew Older My Problem Was Accentuated By A Society Not Willing To Accept Me. The Socialisation Process Through Which I Was To Learn Right From Wrong Has Been Slow And Has Resulted In Me Becoming Somewhat Of A Free Spirit, With No Norms And Values On Which To Base My Actions I Have Found Myself In Continuous Trouble With My Peers. The Naughty Boys Home Has Been On The Phone With Regards To My Actions On No Fewer Than 72 Separate Occassions, Each Individual Act Of Misconduct Or Violence Has Been Followed By A Month Long Probationary Period Which I Have Managed To Keep To Largely Thanks To My Parents Who Were More Than Willing To Lock Me Up In A Small, Dark, Damp Cupboard For A Month At A Time With Nothing But My Erect Penis For Company. I Was Allowed No Food In My Cupboard Yet Somehow Managed To Survive On A Diet Of... Um... Cheese, Which Surprisingly Wasnt Particularly Difficult To Come By. A Further Problem Was The Burden Of Having To Carry An Erect Penis Everywhere I Went, This Left Me Both Physically Drained And Psychologically Battered (I Was Forever Being Given Grief By Everyone), No Amount Of Red Bull And Counselling Could Perk Me Up And Rid Me Of My Low Self-Esteem. I Would Often Find Myself Overbalancing And Toppling, Much To My Own Discomfort And Embarassment. Similarly Priapism Has Put Extra Strain On My Bladder And I Often Awake In The Middle Of The Night Moist. However This Problem Was Resolved By The Caring People At Tena Lady Who Have Recently Provided Me With A Lifetimes Supply Of Incontinence Pads. This Deal Was Brokered By My Father When He Became Extremely Close Friends With A Guy Named Shirley, Who Coincidentally Happened To Be The Rather Effeminate Executive Director Of The UK Branch Of The Company. Now I Have Reached My Teenage Years And My Days Of Reckless Behaviour Are Fast Becoming No More Than A Memory. However Schooling Is Proving As Difficult As Ever, If Not A Little More So As I Have Become More Sensitive To My Problem And My School Colleagues Become More Educated Regarding All Things Sexual. I Have Very Few Friends Due To Uneducated And Misunderstanding Parents Not Allowing Their Children Near Me (Somewhat Of A Blessing Considering The Amount Of Abuse I Already Receive From Afar). As Such Group Work Is A Lonely Affair, Being Undertaken Only By Brian - The Felching Obsessed Gimp - And Myself, I Sit Alone During Classes On My Own Table In The Corner Of The Room. However My Real Problems At School Only Begin During Physical Education Classes. My Mother Continuously Writes Me Letters Excluding Me From Having To Underake The Torture Of Showering With The Other Boys In My Year After Exercise But Regardless Of Said Letters My Teacher Always Forces Me Too. In Fact It Is Noted That He Takes A Certain Degree Of Pleasure From Watching Me In The Shower. I Initially Thought Of This As Being Strange But My Father Reassured Me He Is Just Being A Regular Vindictive Teacher And That Him Whipping Me With A Wet Towel And Joining Me In The Shower Is Nothing To Worry About. Indeed As A Youngster My Father Was Given The Same Treatment By His Teacher, He Learnt It Was Accetable, Even Fun, And Has, Despite This, Grown To Be A Well Rounded Individual Who Has Found No Difficulty In Making Friends In His Local Amature Dramatics Society And At The Local Supermarket Where He Can Often Be Found Purchasing A Cucumber, Tub Of Vaseline And Some Adult Entertainment Magazines. School Is Very Lonely, As Is My Time Away From Education, I Have Never Had A Girlfriend, The Usual Rebuttal Given By The Object Of My Desire Being "You Are An Ugly Bastards In Desperate Need Of A Personality Transplant And I Wouldnt Be Seen Dead With You, Now Piss Off!!". It Is Apparent To Me That These Young Ladies Are Simply Trying To Spare My Feelings By Ignoring My Priapism And Focusing On My Many Other Flaws, An Approach For Which I Am Grateful, After All Im In Better Company As An Ugly Boring Sod Than As A Sufferer Of Priapism. My Mother Has Told Me To Try And Look On The Bright Side And Find The Many Plus Points Of Priapism. For One She Assures Me That In The Not Too Distant Future The Fairer Sex Will Change Its Opinion Of Me And A Girlfriend Should Be Increasingly Easy To Find. She Also Reckons That Local Banking Institutes Would Kill To Have Someone Such As Myself On Their Staff - A Guy Who Can Push The Panic Button Under His Desk During A Hold Up Whilst Striking The Classic Hands Above Head "Please Dont Shoot Me Mr Bank Robber Man" Pose. Finally My Mother Is Of The Opinion That With Technological Advances A Cure For My Complaint May Be Discovered Sooner Rather Than Later And If I Were To Bide My Time And Accept My Current Fate In Good Humour Then I May Soon Be Given The Opportunity To Lead A Normal Life. Despite Priapism Having One Or Two Good Points I Have Recently Given Thought To Numerous Ways Of Remedying My Problem, My Mother Has Opened My Eyes To The Existence Of A Small Community Established In The United States, And Run By A Guy Called Michael Jackson, Where I Will Be Accepted As An Equal Amongst My Peers, Children With Similar Penis-Related Complaints. Its Only In Its Early Stage Of Development Currently So Sleeping Arrangements Are Cramped But Mr Jackson Guarantees "Every Child Will Be Handled" (There Seems To Be A Printing Error Here As The Pamphlet Says No More).... Presumingly With Sensitivity Toward Their Individual Situation. I Also Met A Friend Of My Father, Called Nigella, Who Has Had A "Snip And Tuck" And Who Claims Her Life Has Been Improved Ten Fold By The Operation And Course Of Oestrogen Tablets She Was Prescribed In Conjunction With It. Although This Does Seem Like A Particularly Extreme Solution I Have Not Discounted It Entirely As My Continuous Search For A Way Of Improving My Standard Of Life Continues." In My Spare Time Away From The Office I Have Found Writing Poetry To Be A Very Effective Way Of Dealing With My Complaint And As Such Am Grateful For The Opportunity To Post My Prose On This Website. It Is A Way Of Exercising My Inner Demons And Each Of My Poems Hold A Certain Relevance To My Life And The Many Twists And Turns It Has Taken.
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