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Union Tribune Tanka By: Rachelle King on 4/11/2002; 12:43 PM Dedication six page Santee tragedy retold. Mitigation two paragraph "Crime Watch" dictates outcome: Straight outtha uterus National City child born packin guns.
RE: Union Tribune Tanka By: Rachelle King on 4/11/2002; 1:05 PM I want to share a little bit of history in regard to this piece. Everyone has probably heard about the Santee school shooting that took place aproximately one year ago. Recently, there was a huge dedication in the San Diego Union Tribune to the Santee shooting. It included stories on the recovery of students and family effected by the shootings. If you are not familar with the geography of San Diego county, Santee is a predominately middle-upper class white community. National City, where I live, is a predominately low class Mexican community. There have been many boycotts against the Union Tribune by low class communities in the past few years due to the newspapers slanted content: Specifically, the papers over-coverage of happenings in suburban areas and lack of coverage of low-income communities. When coverage of low income communites is given, it usually appears in the "Crime Watch" section. There has never been a six page cover story on the families in low income communites discribing the pain and loss they experience. So you can imagine my frustration when in the same issue a two paragraph blurb in the Crime Watch section describes the shooting of two teenagers, "suspected" gang members of National City, by the National City police. Regardless of the importance this piece might have to my community, I still would like to create a piece that can mirror this subject on a global level. Do you have any suggestions? Mark, I dig the new layout-is it working?
RE: Union Tribune Tanka By: Mark Morgan on 4/12/2002; 2:04 AM It seems to be working, Rachelle. I think Chie is going a little crazy...(er). "Mirror this subject on a global level"--what do you mean by global? Do you mean of wider interest than just your community? If so, what themes do you think you might be able to pull out of the story and put into a poem? (Man, do I suck at poetry feedback. Themes?)
RE: Union Tribune Tanka By: Rachelle King on 4/13/2002; 12:59 AM Well Mark, I think by global I mean being able to replace Santee and National City with the "suburbs" and the "ghetto." I am not sure that this won't take away from the meaning though. Perhaps I could break the Tanka form and just elaborate the piece including similar happenings from around the world in a free verse poem?!?!
RE: Union Tribune Tanka By: Mark Morgan on 4/13/2002; 1:54 AM <aside>We should start a project in the Cauldron teaching each other how to workshop, because I am horribly bad at workshopping poetry. Perhaps there is a text we could take exercises out of. Something. Barry B. Longyear has an excellent first part of a never-finished two-part SF writer's workshop book that I could dig out and adapt.</aside> You could expand the current to provide more examples from elsewhere, or provide an emotional context for understanding. Your frustration is only somewhat clear from the original, but that might be appropriate for this kind of poem? You could also design it as a series of poems grouped around the same theme. I'd alter its location to make it easy to navigate between the parts. (Conversant makes it very easy to automate things, one of the many ways I waste my day.)
RE: Union Tribune Tanka By: Rachelle King on 4/13/2002; 2:27 AM <aside>I actually have a handout on workshops in my notebook. Let me go get it... Whoah! took me a little while to find my keys, run to the car , and then run back into my house to evade the gunshots I just heard down the street. Okay, here we go: Wordsmith Workshop Critique Guidelines 1. Read the piece aloud 2. Does it achieve maximum impact with minimal words? 3. Is the language used well in reference to density and intensity of expression? 4. What is the purpose? 5. Is it coherent? 6. Does it flow? 7. What are the strengths/weaknesses of the piece? 8. Are there strong descriptive verbs? 9. Are there defensible line breaks? 10. Is the poem abstract or too general? 11. Does the piece make use of Alliteration/Assonance or Dissonance? 12. Is the diction or tone vivid? 13. Does the piece use internal/external rhyme schemes? 14. Is the piece complete; does it have a compelling begginning/middle/end? 15. Read the piece again. What is a Wordsmth Workhop? "The People shall consciously undertake to respect and to encourage each other to feel safe enough to attempt the building of a community of trust in which all may try to be truthful and deeply serious in the messages they craft for the world to contemplate." -from June Jordan's "Poetry for the People" In short: Always remember POV (point of view) varies depending on some of he following factors: culture, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, age. The author may be writing for or to a specific audience. No Bullshit: Although we live in a culture of individuality and smiling faces, the critique process is not about ego tripping or back stabbing. Be real, but at the same time remember that it takes time to build trust. Some stuff from an old website of mine that might help: "We don't mean to say that your art shouldn't go through rigorous revising. We don't mean that all you work should be stream of conscienceness. We don't mean that art is produced perfectly the first time, because it came from your heart and that's all that really matters. We do mean that art, especially written and spoken, should convey a message that is clear to a wide ranging audience. Does the work, whatever form it may take, get your intended point across? Is the work interesting? Does it evoke emotion and mutual understanding from your audience. Does it captivate them?" "Let's face it, folks, most of us will not make a living out of our art. This doesn't mean we can't improve it for ourselves. The ability to convey thoughts accurately through the production of art can be the backbone of our ability to communicate with others and sort through the thoughts in our own heads." 1. When commenting on an author's piece, it is always important to be unbiased with regard to the author's content. 2. Look for grammatical errors, such as the use of extraneous commas or periods in a poem or run on sentences in short stories. 3. Look for extraneous sentences or lines that are not substantial to the point of the piece. 4. Look for original imagery, the use of effect literary approaches such as similes and metaphors, and creative descriptions. 5. Look for confusing material that should be explained or shown to the reader more clearly. 6. LEAVE OUT words like horrible, distasteful, elementary, stupid, base, ignorant, etc. LEAVE OUT phrases such as "My two year old has better descriptive skills." 7. Keep in mind that dumpsite is not a competition for revealing the most profound works ever written: Writers with various levels of skill will be submitting.
RE: Union Tribune Tanka By: Mark Morgan on 4/13/2002; 9:05 AM Rachelle, would you mind reposting this over at the Cauldron? It's a bunch of great ideas, but it'll distract from feedback on your poem. Yes, I know, I started the aside.
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