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Niggly Bop and the Quest for Toilet Paper Part 5 By: Evan on 4/9/2002; 1:12 PM Niggly Bop and Fred lay asleep in the Poon's dungeon. Well at least Niggly Bop was asleep, Fred was having trouble due to Niggly Bop's loud snoring, which was coming out of the back of his head. The snoring was also generating large brownish bubbles that were floating about the room and spread a rank odor that Fred didn't like. The rubber chickens, however, were all huddled against the bars sniffing furiously and even inhaling whole bubbles. Between the noise, the odor, and the chickens inhaling the bubbles Fred was awake until the Poon returned with a large mustard stain on his bathrobe "Okay now where were we?" The Poon asks Fred. "You were just about to let us out and escort us to the other side of the mountains." "Alright then let me just open up this door here ... Hey, wait a minute; you're trying to trick me aren't you? Hold on a moment." The Poon pulls out a book called "Evil Wizardry for Dummies" and begins to look through the pages and thumbs through the index until he finds the section on prisoners. "Ahh, here we go, it says right here, that if the prisoners say that you were just going to let them go, they are lying. So since I apparently can't trust you for that question we'll move on to my prerequisite excessive paranoia about your purposes within my domain. Sooooo, what are you doing in my domain?" "We were just passing through." "Hmmmm, well at least you're more responsive than the goat but I can't afford to believe you at this stage in my development as an evil rubber chicken animating wizard. I've just gotten to the chapter on world domination through pooning, so you guys will have to stay locked up here. Say what's that noise?" "That's just my friend Niggly Bop's snoring." "How can anybody make such noises without using their armpit? Wake him up." The chickens begin clucking very loudly until Niggly Bop finally awakens and sits up, giving the Poon a full view of him. "What the heck are you?" "I'm Niggly Bop the Icpoto." "You're friend was less than clear on your purpose in my domain. Would you care to clarify the matter? Or would you prefer to have really ummmmm awful horrible and all around wretched stuff done to you?" "I'm just on my way across the mountains to get some toilet paper for the Toilet Hog of my village." "Well that's weird. Say those pants are made out of rubber; I could make a very powerful chicken out of such high-grade stuff. Give me your pants now!" "I don't know what this rubber stuff is that people keep thinking my pants are composed of but these are 100% cat intestine pants!" The Poon takes a step backwards. "Nevertheless, give me your pants now! Well actually not to me the chickens will take it and clean it first but I want your pants!" "No. I made these pants myself and have been wearing them for the past five years and I see no reason why I should give them to you." The Poon sniffs a little and takes another big step backwards and says, "Well if you won't give them to me, then I guess my chickens will have to take them from you." Just as the chickens are about to enter a very loud squawk comes from outside the room. The chickens and the Poon immediately rush outside because they know that the squawk is an alarm indicating that the Poon's Big Jagged Pointy Rock is under attack by an anal sasquatch. (For those of you who have not had the benefit of one of Matthew Vernon's excellent lectures on the nature of anal versus normal sasquatches a brief description follows. An anal sasquatch is like a normal sasquatch except that it is approximately three times as large and for some reason attacks its prey anally.) Fred immediately decides that this is an excellent opportunity to escape while there are no guards to deal with and begins to test the strength of the cell door. Much to his surprise, the door is unlocked and had apparently never been locked. He opens the door and he and Niggly Bop flee, pausing only to free the now exceptionally grumpy and hung over goat. Outside of the dungeon all is chaos. Rubber chickens are running everywhere and just outside the Poon's big jagged pointy rock hundreds of chickens are fighting with the enormous anal sasquatch who is systematically ripping the chickens in half. The giant fury creature is apparently fighting a losing battle however, as the chickens gradually pull themselves back together after being torn in half. The goat manages to clear a path all the while cussing at the "schmooing chickens". Niggly Bop and Fred run through the path cleared by the goat and manage to gain some distance from the anal sasquatch and the chickens and resume their trek down the mountain path. The anal sasquatch finally realizes that he's not making any progress against the chickens and is starting to hurt from all the peck marks on his skin. He runs off in the same direction as Niggly Bop, the chickens and the Poon in hot pursuit. Fred notices the pursuit and starts to run, as does Niggly Bop and the goat but there escape is cut short by a large rockslide blocking the path. The goat continues going and manages to climb up the thirty foot pile of rocks but Fred finds he has difficulty and at any rate Niggly Bop's tentacles are completely unsuited for climbing. Eventually the sasquatch, chickens and Poon arrive at the rockslide. "Bwahahahahahaahahahahahaaha, we have you now you raucous rectal ripper!" The Poon shouts. "Hey Fred, I just realized, I have a magical kazoo that's supposed to make people like me," Niggly Bop says. Fred is skeptical but is desperate enough to let Niggly Bop try which he does, producing once again the hideous howler monkey cacophony. Fred grimaces as do the Poon and the anal sasquatch. The noise has a more adverse effect on the chickens, without the Poon's concentration sustaining their existence they all collapse to the ground. The Poon, realizing that by the time he reasserts his control over the chickens the anal sasquatch would likely rip him in half, runs back to the safety of his big jagged pointy rock and seals himself inside. The sasquatch, however, is none too happy with Niggly Bop for making that horrible noise and starts running towards the kazoo-toting Icpoto. "I don't feel so good. I don't think that hogshead cheese agreed with my digestion," Niggly Bop says. "Could it perhaps be due to the fact that there is a large furry beast who is about to rip us in half?" Before Niggly Bop could answer, his head began to inflate with some sort of very light gas as a side effect of eating the hogshead cheese. His head expanded to a full ten times its usual bulbous size and he began to float over the pile of rubble. Fred managed to overcome his surprise and grab on to Niggly Bop as he slowly ascended over the rocks blocking the road. Once they reached the other side of the rock pile, Niggly Bop let off a huge fart that had sufficient propulsive force that they covered about a half a mile of ground along the path and far outran the anal sasquatch who decides to go home and take a nap. To be continued whenever I figure out where the heck I'm going with part six.
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