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An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 1/30/2002; 5:30 AM This is not fiction. Four years ago, in 1997, when I was a lonely seventh grader, fairly fresh to the state of Louisiana, I met a boy. Being homeschooled, my mother sent me to an astronomy class arranged by the local homeschool society. It was there, at the Trinity Methodist, where class was held, that I met Graham. Immediately, perhaps in my middle school star-struck solitude, he became my second "crush." Tall, sandy haired, and kind, he was indeed a contrast to Michael. Michael was the pastor's kid whom I had met in Arkansas. Michael's brother Jonathon was my sister's boyfriend, but that didn't prevent me from liking him. He had dark hair and eyes which my friend Julia summed up (wrongly, i thought) as "ugly." Just the summer before, at SYC camp at Twin Lakes, Mississippi, the week's events had convinced me of his affection. And as the months flew by, even the marked dwindling and then absence of his promised "daily" emails could not keep "I love michael" from being scrawled repeatedly into my diary. Who could blame even the kindest heart for not loving me. I was "the girl who never talked," yet simultaneously "tough girl." I didn't wash or brush my hair, often tying it up in bandanas. Stress from late nights doing homework left my face greasy and pimple ridden. I didn't care about clothes. My caustic sarcasm and arrogance was initially attractive, but eventually tiring. I was the epitomy of the indifferent nucleus which inside me, still burns. Thus it followed that I did everything and said anything to impress Graham with my "unique" qualities. Sometimes, my mother would visit his house, and I would play computer games with his sister. I can remember the giant exploding banana throwing gorillas... Finally came the last days of the class. I still remember going out to Forest park near my former highschool... and his house... and shooting rockets. Stomp rocket or chemical rocket, I was not afraid like the other girls. Yet, for the weakness of my femininity, my eyes too often rested on the central focus of my thoughts. Afterwards, we, as a group, went to the children's museum near the river, and participated in the Challenger Mission. Graham was my partner. (I still even have the assignment sheet.) ISO 1... was rigged so that the job couldn't be properly done - an attempt to simulate the problems that *could* happen on a spaceship. The desk found itself hit with my fist more than once. During the intermission, I stayed around him, under pretense of discussing the mission. Of he and I, someone had even taken a great picture... a picture I ordered, but never received, and have always wanted. For, unbeknownst to the rest of us, his father was abusive, and a divorce had been formulating. In eighth grade, my father was accused of an enviromental felony, arrested, released, and then put on a 3 year hold. It was some time in the third year that I learned. And his sister was found to have scoliosis. And all this time, despite the ninth grade first boyfriend, the breakup and despair, he, like Michael, lingered in me like ghosts. I have several diary entries noting a recurring dream. In it, I'd be in a room with Graham and Julia, it would be late, and cold. I'd cover him with my blanket, and then sleep on the floor. And yet, each time, I awoke where he had been, under my blanket. And he was gone without a trace. I guess I missed him. My mother's visits to the household became somewhat more frequent as she tried to help with vitamins. With each visit, I would play with the cats, hoping Graham would see me. Once he was mowing the lawn, but I never knew whether he'd be there are with his father. Eventually, the sister had surgery and rehabilitated. The shocking news came: we were moving to Japan. I email, hoping for a reply and yes! he replied suggesting getting together for a movie. This was July. After a NJROTC trip to california, I had picked up my second boyfriend... As cruel and thoughtless as it is to say, the attraction between us was not equally mutual. And because I wanted to spend another evening boosting my sunken self-image by using the second... I failed to meet Graham. Why have I told you this? Graham had mentioned he was depressed... recently he had lost his "only love" among other things. (It was curious, he thought I was starting college too. Alas, I am but a Junior.) Yesterday, I was informed by his mother that he had died. Today, I found out that he had shot himself on my birthday.
RE: An apology for Graham By: Mark Morgan on 1/30/2002; 1:27 PM
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RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 1/31/2002; 7:08 AM ?huh
RE: An apology for Graham By: Mark Morgan on 1/31/2002; 1:05 PM Chie, I find it difficult to believe you, of all people, are having trouble with a strangely formatted poem.
RE: An apology for Graham By: Zares Kurtoga on 1/31/2002; 9:09 PM Dear Chie, I really don't know what to say.I was reading The Piece, and was wondering why you wrote this, And I received the shocking answer.It sent chills up my spine.I am truly sorry. Kaju
RE: An apology for Graham By: Evan on 2/1/2002; 3:09 PM Well Chie, I read your piece and thought a long time about a response to it. First of all I offer my condolences to you but I'm also offering my general viewpoint on the loss of a loved one. I find that it is best to remember and respect the dead always but to try to keep sadness to a minimum. The departed loved ones surely would not want us to feel sad at their death (well beyond a little bit because a complete lack of mourning would probably seem bad to the person's self-esteem) and so prolonged grief and regret would be disrespectful to their memory. Of course that's just my point of view and everyone reacts to death in a slightly different way.
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 2/2/2002; 11:58 PM ----Original Message Follows---- From: "Graham" <----> To: "Your Dictatoress VaguelyWeird" <----> Subject: Re: it's all been a long time Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 23:49:45 -0500 how embarrassing. believe it or not, I just recieved this. or just became aware of it at least, as it was apparently hiding in my cob-webby inbox. Please except my most humble apologies. As for what is up with me, well.... my life has been crazy and hell and a crazy hell and it's driving me quite mad. nothing life changing I suppose, except that carolyn and I broke up (you remember carolyn??), the pain of which is still numbing my senses. I've been working alot. lots of crappy jobs, and then landscaping all summer, which has been a 'godsend' as the term goes. I took a year off after highschool, so I am just starting my freshmen year at LSU, which I am dreading. If you are still in town I would love to see you before you leave. I've been doing the same thing with old freinds, tracking them down and saying hi. It's a nice feeling sometimes, brings closure as well as opens new avenues. Hoping you respond, Graham ------------------------------------------------- ----Original Message Follows---- From: Graham A Richards <----> To: VaguelyWeird Subject: Re: So are you alive? Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 22:34:44 -0500 ah yes, I am alive, I am usually depressed, and I now live in Walker (just past Denham Springs) in case you didn't know.........my life basically sucks, joy is rare. anyway, how is you been? write more, and not those silly things that make me scroll forever either :) later, graham
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 2/3/2002; 12:14 AM why is it that I can only edit the most recent post of a thread? Message #4931 cannot be edited because it you do not have the necessary privileges.
RE: An apology for Graham By: Mark Morgan on 2/3/2002; 12:18 AM I don't know, Chie. You have the correct privileges according to the admin system. Are you logged in as VaguelyWeird at hotmail?
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 2/3/2002; 5:40 AM yuhp and i delogged ad relogged and switched browsers and stood on my head, but it didnt work
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 2/3/2002; 5:47 AM
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 2/8/2002; 11:26 PM still cant edit it, but i guess it doesnt matter too much
RE: An apology for Graham By: Mark Morgan on 2/8/2002; 11:47 PM Yes, it does, and this is annoying me. I'll report it to tech support again. ===== Mark Morgan: mark_morgan@yahoo.com http://www.VoicesOfUnreason.com "obeisances before the written word" CS Lewis: "We read to know we're not alone." __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Send FREE Valentine eCards with Yahoo! Greetings! http://greetings.yahoo.com
RE: An apology for Graham By: lindsay on 2/22/2002; 10:05 AM so wait a sec..... how did you find out he was dead if he was alive? am i confused or am i getting it? lindsay
RE: An apology for Graham By: Evan on 2/22/2002; 2:51 PM Lindsay, look at the date on the email, July 30, 2001. This was apparently sent to Chie before he died.
RE: An apology for Graham By: lindsay on 10/20/2002; 3:36 PM oh....... ok
RE: An apology for Graham By: vanessa on 3/3/2002; 3:11 PM i still don't get it...is he dead or alive? and how did you find out that he was alive if he was supposedly dead? i'm soo confused, but i really really like the piece. its great writing talent!
RE: An apology for Graham By: Dorothy Marie on 3/7/2002; 5:44 PM *sigh* I'm sorry Chie. =( I can't believe I didn't read this sooner. I remember you mentioning Michael to me before, but not Graham... Had I tears, they would be woefully swimming down to my quivering lips! I know it may sound foolish to care because I have never met him, but... it's just so... do you feel like "if only I had known! maybe I could have done something!"? *sigh* Yes, I will be contemplating this all week now... hmm... perhaps I should talk to Sam. We haven't spoken in a while... P.S. You posted this on my birthday
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 10/4/2002; 12:24 PM mmm dot. Odd how things go. That's exactlyhow I felt... especially since he spoke of new avenues of friendship... Those email really hurt when i realized he was dead. I guess so, unlike the sappy chicken soup stories that you read in chain mail, this s true... i won't be making that mistake again talk to your friends! save a life!
RE: An apology for Graham By: Zares Kurtoga on 3/13/2002; 11:55 PM yeah I agree
RE: An apology for Graham By: Nathan Henderson on 7/23/2002; 10:35 PM This can't be the same graham. LSU student, computer science major. Did he die last november? Around thanksgiving? I lost one of my best friends last year, and just found this forum. please contact me if this is the same individual. thanks
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 7/31/2002; 8:16 AM oH my... Yes. He died on my birthday November 28. Same guy... I didnt know he was a CS major but yeh Graham A. R.
RE: An apology for Graham By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 10/4/2002; 12:25 PM hey mark... can you put an ending < / pre > tag in lindsays post? i finally figured why the formatting botched
RE: An apology for Graham By: Mark Morgan on 10/20/2002; 3:37 PM Added the stray PRE closing tag (I'm surprised--Conversant's supposed to automatically close tags).
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