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Fwd: mini-AIR June 2001 -- Telephone Hi, Big Placebos, etc. By: Mark Morgan on 6/24/2001; 8:32 PM As you may or may not know, I do telephone surveys for a living. At my company we all hate telemarketers. Telemarketers make my job ten times harder. I spend half the darn night explaining to people "No, I'm not selling anything." It's even better when I'm recruiting for a focus group. "No, I'm not selling anything. I want to give you food and money to come and talk. No, really. No, really. "Sir, that kind of languaage is unneccessary. "Sir? "Sir? "Would you like to speak to my supervisor? "Sir?" Let's hear it for hanging up on people. And this bit of inspiration from the Annals of Improbable Research, http://www.improbable.com --- Marc Abrahams <marca@chem2.harvard.edu> wrote: > Date: Sat, 2 Jun 2001 15:25:05 -0400 (EDT) > Reply-to: mini-air@chem.harvard.edu > From: Marc Abrahams <marca@chem2.harvard.edu> > To: Multiple recipients of list MINI-AIR <mini-air@chem.harvard.edu> > Subject: mini-AIR June 2001 -- Telephone Hi, Big Placebos, etc. > > PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE > ================================================================ > mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") > Issue Number 2001-06 > June, 2001 > ISSN 1076-500X > Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in the > Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), > the journal of inflated research and personalities > ================================================================ *****SNIP!******* > ---------------------------------------------------------- > 2001-06-04 Telemarketing Optimization > > We receive many telephone call from telemarketers. Until recently > these seemed annoyances, but now we realize they are research > opportunities. > > You are invited to collaborate on our Telemarketing Optimization > Project. > > The project consists of a number of protocols. Here we describe > several that we have used. > > TECHNICAL DESCRIPTION: The project takes advantage of a quirk of > modern technology. Many telemarketing calls begin with a brief > period of silence, in which the telemarketer's automatic equipment > tries to determine whether the call recipient is a likely target. > You can easily learn to recognize this silence, and so be ready to > implement a protocol the moment the human telemarketer is switched > onto the line. > > PROTOCOL: Say "hi." > DESCRIPTION: Whenever the telemarketer asks you to say anything, > pause for several seconds, and then softly, plaintively, say just > the word "hi." Pronounce it as if it were written in lowercase and > spoken by a wispy child. > > [NOTE: Our lab notebook for this project may be instructive to new > investigators. Here is a typical entry: > May 29, 2001. 11:08 am. > Another telemarketer, another round of plaintive "hi"s. > She hung up after round three.] > > PROTOCOL: Read methodically from a prepared text. So far we have > conducted test runs using each of the following texts: > <> "The World of Mathematics," Newman, volume 4 > <> "The Integrative Action of the Nervous System," Sherrington > <> The digits of pi > > PROTOCOL: Sing from a prepared score. The quality of the singing > matters not. So far we have conducted test runs using the > following: > <> The complete works of Philip Glass > > PROTOCOL: Whatever the telemarketer says to you, you repeat back > to the telemarketer. > > We invite you to devise your own protocols, run the experiments, > and then tell us about it. We will report the most compelling > results. > > When you send in a report, please include the following data: > 1. A brief (twenty words or fewer) description of the protocol > 2. The number of phone calls to which you applied the protocol > 3. Average time elapsed before a telemarketer hung up. > > Please do the research carefully, and above all, lovingly. Send > your complete, BRIEF report to: TELEMARKETING OPTIMIZATION PROJECT *****SNIP!******* > What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. Mini-AIR is a (free!) > tiny monthly *supplement* to the bi-monthly print magazine. > To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: > LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU > The body of your message should contain ONLY the words > SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE > (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) > ---------------------------- > To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR > > > ============================================================ > __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/
RE: Fwd: mini-AIR June 2001 -- Telephone Hi, Big Placebos, etc. By: Evan on 6/25/2001; 9:18 PM There is a guy, I don't remember his name, who has put out an album of recordings of ways to get rid of telemarketers. One of my favorites was "The Pipe Bomb." He apparently did this (at least in the album which he played on the radio) for a group collecting for the police department. It was hilarious. Telemarketers don't call us anymore or I would try it. Usually I tell them to hold on and ask if they'd like to listen to some light music while they wait and I start humming. Telemarketers also learned to avoid our house because my brother would get into long drawn out conversations with them and ask them lots of questions. They would hang up on him after a bit, turnabout is fair play apparently. Or there is always my psycho laugh. Or screaming ahhh the voicess!!!!! The Voices!!!!!!!! They tell me you're a bad man! The bunny who controls my mind cries out for your BLOOODDDDDD!!!!!!
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