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The hedgehogs are coming!!!!!!! By: Evan on 5/13/2001; 12:31 PM I was talking with Dorothy and a friend of hers last night whose name I don't remember, and they told me about how the alien hedgehogs were going to kill us all. I suggested usage of tactical nuclear devices to stop the hedgehogs but apparently they are immune to nuclear fission. I then suggested hydrogen bombs but apparently after fusion the hedgehogs can reconstitute themselves. At this point I thought we were all doomed but now I realize there are still some possibilities left. Neutron bombs emit highly toxic radiation which would quite probably kill even the hedgehogs, although admittedly I defer to Dorothy and whoever her friend was's expertise as I have only just heard about the hedgehogs. Another possibility would be to utilize antimatter to destroy the hedgehogs. The trouble there is that there quite probably is not enough antimatter around to destroy all of the hedgehogs. Perhaps enough might be geneerated in particle accelerators to help stave off the hedgehogs when they attack but I'm still pretty fearful.
Hedgehog Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine By: Dorothy Marie on 5/14/2001; 7:17 PM *This just in...* "We have some more information on the alien hedgehog invasion. Apparantly they are forming over the State of New York as we speak. For some reason, they seem attracted to the high sulfer content in the air. We turn to our technical scientists for further information. Dr. Bayel?" "Yes. Dr. Catherine Bayel here. I am sure most of you out there are wondering just how Rioko gets her hair to stand up on end, aren't you? Well, you will just have to hold on to your kinky potato sacks because we have an ALIEN HEDGEHOG INVASION on our hands (ALFHI for short). About eighty years ago, an influx of hedgehogs landed on the Earth. They had been attracted by the Dust Bowl going on in the United States, as the dust would carry many of the nutrients necessary to their diet. They stayed out of Europe because they all smell funny. Anijibilliywho, these hedgehogs dug holes beneath many a farmer's backyard barn and went into hibernation just as soon as their nutrient level was satisfied. Their length of hibernation is 80 years, at which point they leave their burrow, find a member of their race, and choose their gender. Then, they start going at it like Oklahoma rabbits in spring time!" *Dr. Dorothy Kavola enters the room* "You've got THAT right! And what's more, these hedgehogs have no natural preditors on Earth. In fact, they don't even have any ABNORMAL preditors! Creatures just don't like them because they smell funny... like those Europeans. Anhilliatiwho, these hedgehogs are not to be messed with, and are hard to spot. You see, they are born with a unique ability to camoflague themselves to their surroundings to the point where they could be standing on the horizon of a sunset and be virtually invisible. They are also able to FLY! The initial influx of hedgehogs did not fly too much to our knowledge, but this crazy new generation seems to like it. Camoflaguing themselves as clouds, they travel in large groups consisting of their extended families seperated by geographical locations. When they get a whiff of an area polluted with their nutrient suppliments in the air, the "hedgeclouds" tend to hover over the area until they have had their fill. At this point, they will become a light or dark gray, and their fur will become very dry and electrostatic. Large streaks of this static energy, measuring at approximately 22 jigawatts, is attracted to the ground and wet people with umbrellas. They also begin to *relieve* themselves at will. The problem is that their urine is high in sulfer content, and is very like what we know as 'acid rain.'" *makes funny quotation movements with fingers* *Back to the strange announcer guy* "The US NAVY, MARINE CORPS, ARMY, NASA, FBI, CIA, and even that guy that sits on the edge of park benches and asks for an ice cream waffle cone are all working on this problem. So far, as our colleague Evan has told us, they are unable to find a solution to this problem, save an anti-matter weapon. We ask all of America to band against these hedgehogs! However, we don't ask the Europeans to do so, because they smell funny." *break in transmission* "HOLD ON! What's this? THE PRESIDENT is going to ask the Europeans to enter our plight! He says that since they smell so funny, perhaps we can recreate their smell and use it as a mustard gas supplement to drive the hedgehogs away! And President Bush will also making motions towards city clean-up programs to take the hedgehogs' nutrients out of the American atmosphere and move it over to Europe. These hedgehogs will not colonize the Western Hemisphere!" -Names in this have been changed for the safety of our scientists from the Hedgehogs, even though they cannot read very well because they are very farsighted and do not have opposable thumbs to turn pages or type on keyboards or turn on televisions. Mark, please help us in our fight against the hedgehogs by putting this as a fictional work.
RE: Hedgehog Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine By: Richard Davidson on 5/14/2001; 8:15 PM This is exactly as I feared. My great grandfather, who was a part time stage actor and coal miner, used to warn this was coming. And to think, we used to make fun of him, and hide his teeth all the time. Well, the lot of us are feeling the fool these days, and have dedicated what's left of our broken souls to fighting these confounded hedgehogs. Robert Plant, of Led Zeppelin fame said it best in the song, "Stairway to Heaven," when he sang, "If there's a bullet in your hedgehog, don't be a lawyer. It's just an inkling of the male queen." And he was right, of course. God forbid all that brown acid had been wasted, after all. Yes, he was a true prognosticator, at least up until the many head injuries. Also, don't forget what they've been telling on us on PBS. I never will, and let that be a lesson to you. In the meantime, CBS is really gearing up for that African "Survivor," aren't they? Wouldn't it be ironic if some of the hedgehogs actually qualified, and won the million bucks? That's just what those sassy little suckers would need, and then they'd be opening a Starbuck's, and mankind's fate would be sealed, all in a five minute meeting, featuring free donuts from Krispy Kreme. And don't ask me what they'll be drinking. No, I've said too much already, which is more than enough, and never quite too little. Perhaps I could've been more brief, but I'm wearing boxers today. Just remember to stay safe, and spell all your wurds correctly. Hedgehogs don't like that. Never have.
RE: Hedgehog Corollary to the Monroe Doctrine By: Evan on 5/14/2001; 8:40 PM Opening a STARBUCKS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Its even worse than I thought if they would stoop so low as to spread one of those fetid warrens of noxious fluids to a new location. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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