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Billy Bob's Insane Asylum and Knife Emporium By: Evan on 10/22/2001; 1:35 PM Simon sat in a comfortable chair in the home of Billy Bob, owner and proprietor of Billy Bob's Insane Asylum and Knife Emporium. "Your resume is quite impressive." Billy Bob said. "Thank you." "You seem to be better qualified than any of our previous janitors. It says here that you've had eight years of college and have three degrees in custodial engineering, including a doctorate in the field. I would like to ask you a few questions though. For example, why did you go to all of the trouble of getting those degrees to be a janitor? I'm running my own business, and I never got past Kindergarten because they insisted that I had to learn to tie my shoes." Simon looks down and notices that Billy Bob is wearing pink furry bunny slippers. Judging from the amount of wear on them, Billy Bob must wear the slippers many places outside of his home. Simon doesn't know what to think about this so he doesn't. "Well I feel that it is important to be the best in my chosen field and that through an extensive training regimen, I am the most thoroughly trained custodial engineer in the country." "Okay then, When can you start working?" "As soon as you give me directions to your insane asylum and knife emporium" "Well today would not be a good day. It's our monthly croquet day and it can get fairly violent. How about starting tomorrow? The building is just a block down the street from here. You can't miss it. Well actually you could miss it if you were blind, color blind, or your head was stuck at least a forty-five-degree angle to the right. Otherwise it is the building with the giant glowing sign that says Billy Bob's Insane Asylum and Knife Emporium, with a picture of a stick figure throwing knives at a rubber duck underneath it." "Why a rubber duck?" "Why not?" Simon had to admit he had a point there and saw no need of thinking about it anymore and began to speculate about what out of his vast repertoire of janitorial implements he should bring to work the next day, as he said goodbye to Billy Bob and went home. Simon entered the door of Billy Bob's Insane Asylum and Knife Emporium, blissfully unaware of the implications of his new post there as custodial engineer. All he knew about it was that the pay was about five times what he got while working at Wal-Mart and there was also a smaller area to clean. It never occurred to him that a place that mixes knives with mentally disturbed people might be a bit dangerous. Simon understood very little outside of his chosen profession but he was the proud owner of a doctorate in the field of custodial engineering. Technically he had the right to put on his business card, Dr. Simon Kline, janitor. That is to say he would have the right to have the doctor in front of his name if he ever bothered to make a business card, which he wouldn't. At any rate he enters the store and says a quick hello to his boss, Billy Bob, and begins cleaning the knife emporium portion of the building. The two areas had been separated since one inmate had found five dollars on the ground, bought a knife, and slit the throats of all the goldfish at the pet shop next door to Billy Bob's Insane Asylum and Knife Emporium. Billy Bob had barely managed to keep his knife merchant and insane asylum operational licenses by arguing that even mentally disturbed people had a constitutional right to bear arms and that includes knives. Once again Simon was completely ignorant of the facts in the matter. He only read the newspapers to find out where the best prices for Mop N' Glo were located. At any rate he finished mopping the floor and wiping the glass on the knife display case and opened the door to the insane asylum. The first thing to greet his eyes upon entering the asylum was a man who walked up to him on all fours and urinated on his leg. A few seconds later, a young woman came running down the hall towards him. "Bad Teddy, no biscuit for you!" She yelled at the man. Teddy yelped and shrunk back. "Go to your mat!!" She barked at him. "Ruff!" He barked back and ran down the corridor and through a giant doggy door actually designed for Great Danes and Saint Bernard's but in which Teddy also fitted. Im terribly sorry that Teddy marked you as his territory. He has multiple personalities and right now the personality that thinks that he is a dog is in control. Hunh? Simon said, unknowingly. Hes nuts! Replied the woman, exasperatedly. Oh, said Simon, pretending that he understood. Are you a new inmate? She queried. No, Im the new janitor. My name is Simon, Simon said. Have you been shown around yet? No. Well, I had better show you around so you know which patients to avoid. A string of barking can be heard from the room that Teddy entered. Would it be alright if I borrow your dustpan? The still as yet named woman asked. Sure, what are you going to use it for? I lost Teddys Pooper Scooper and he has apparently started fertilizing the potted plants, she says as she walks off with the dustpan in hand. Hey, whats your name? Simon asked. Danielle, she said and ran down the corridor towards the source of the barking. Simon continued his cleaning and entered a room, intending to either mop the floor or vacuum the carpet. The occupant said hello as he entered and then resumed eating the insulation inside the walls of the building. Simon began mopping, completely oblivious to the sign on the door that said "Warning Albert, the occupant of this room is highly unstable and likely to attack goldfish or try to eat your underwear." Albert was the inmate responsible for the door that separated the knife emporium from the asylum and all the regulations about not selling pointy objects to mental patients. Albert decided that he had had his fill of asbestos insulation and decided to wash it down with a bottle of Mop n' Glo®. He grabs the bottle from Simon's cart and downs the entire contents in one big gulp. He thought that it tasted lemony fresh. Simon was unsure what to do about this. He had finished his mopping for this room but he still had to wipe the window, but Albert was busy talking to his imaginary friend, Dingle Hopper, who was perpetually trapped in between the windowpanes. Simon decided to move onto the next room but realized that his workday was over. He had managed to clean the hallway, the bathrooms and most of Albert's room (and probably as much of it as he will ever clean as Albert would not let anyone near the window for fear that they might hurt Dingle Hopper) but there were still about 20 bedrooms left for him to clean tomorrow. On his way out he ran into Danielle again. "So how do you like your job so far?" She asked. "It's going pretty well. Some of these people seem a little bit odd." "I think that is more or less the point of an insane asylum." "Oh." "Oh and I must tell you this since our last few janitors all died due to this, Don't try to clean Albert's window. He will bite the vein in your hip and you will bleed to death. It apparently has something to do with protecting his friend who lives inside the window." "Ok, I'll have to write it down" He took out a notepad and wrote, "don't clean Albert's window because he will cause me to bleed to death." "Well thanks for the hint. See you tomorrow." "Bye."
RE: Billy Bob's Insane Asylum and Knife Emporium By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 4/4/2001; 12:57 AM hehe!!! albert fish!
Hunh? By: Evan on 4/4/2001; 8:38 AM Who is Albert Fish?
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