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Fenomene & Ebert's Battle for World Domination By: Richard Davidson on 10/21/2001; 5:53 PM "Obviously, she's referring to legendary actor Errol Flynn, Bob," Ebert smirked, "I think the line 'yelling like a monk just released of his oath' might have been just a little too over the top. I'm trying to picture that, and frankly what I'm getting unsettles me quite a bit." Roger Ebert paused for just a moment, taking a sip of his water, and smacking his lips. "I find the constant references to Sea World to be nothing more than product placement, totally compromising the integrity of the plot. I don't know how many times I considered using my AT&T Cellular Phone, with unlimited free minutes, and frequent flier miles to call up the writers and ask them how they sleep at night." Bob Fenomene smiled broadly, arms folded across his chest. "I agree with you on almost everything, except that overall the only thing I liked was the Sea World part, especially that talented dolphin. If he doesn't get best supporting actor, I'll kill myself, and I'm taking you with me, Roger." Fenomene made a slashing motion across his throat for effect. Ebert moved a few more inches away, looking like a scared partridge. Fenomene continued babbling on for what seemed like months to a beleagured Roger Ebert, going on and on about the more salient points in the story; when would somebody get naked, if the tribe of pygmys were really allied with the Amish; until Roger could take no more, and he grabbed the boom mike, and clubbed Bob Fenomene almost to death before the stagehands could get him off. All on live TV, for they were doing a special, and America quickly turned on Roger Ebert, seeing him as cruel and bloodthirsty. "Thumbs down on Roger Ebert," read the Washington Post, and several other worthless smut rags. Ebert quickly formed a cult following, and began intense physical training from Japanese monks who hadn't seen daylight in over seven minutes. He and the remaining cast of "Friends" formed a tactical unit, and quickly subverted the governments of several third world nations, and he very efficiently developed an evil empire, the likes of which the world had never seen. People in the other nations of the world just went on with their lives. "Ebert poses no threat," the London Filthrag reported, leaving out several commas in the article below. "Ebert alive and well, and very content to live quietly as the Overlord of Evilia, a new world power that is probably harmless," read the New York Times. Meanwhile, Bob Fenomene had recovered, and was heading a CIA task force to restore the control of evil back to the United States. Bob was six foot two, and he ate men like Ebert for lunch. Ebert lured some of the world's top mad scientists to his headquarters, inside a volcano on a South Pacific island, and served them LSD and lime jello. They developed a weapon that would make the entire world ignore them as they did whatever they wanted. Their initial plan was to sack all the treasuries of the world, become rich, gain control of the most powerful armies and take over the world, but as it turns out, all any of them really wanted was a four day work week, and a nice place to go on holiday.
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