Discussion Group

Scientists have studied WWT for literally hundreds of years, dating back to 1776, when Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. Just before he finished the phrase, "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," his quill broke. Looking in the quill repository next to his desk, he realized that there were none left, when he knew that he had refilled it that very morning! He consulted with Ben Franklin about the problem, and thus the modern study of WWT was formed.

As science has advanced, so too has the study of WWT. Originally, missing writing tools were presumed to have been stolen by the British[1]in another attempt to exert their control over their colonies.[2] The problem was that after the American Revolution and the War of 1812 were over, the tools kept disappearing. This led to the next theory, which involved theft by Napoleon's armies in order to burn them to keep warm in the Russian winter. This was a logical explanation for Europe, but any occurrences of WWT in the Americas were left unexplained.

Until the early 20th century[3], little was done in the way of research of WWT. For a brief period during the Civil War, the North accused the South of putting the writing tools to work on their cotton plantations, but investigation proved this claim false.[4] Then, a breakthrough occurred with the invention of the light bulb by Thomas Edison.

Edison noticed that, when he activated his first light bulb prototype, the pen with which he had taken lab notes vanished. This led him to make the conclusion that extremely high levels of light caused writing tools to disappear.[5] While this conclusion was not the correct one, he had hit on he fact central to all cases of WWT: the tools in question simply vanished without a trace.

For the next few years, the excessive light theory was accepted as the cause of WWT. Then, the automatic clothes dryer was invented. Suddenly, housewives all over America noticed that, no matter how many socks they put n, 50% of them would disappear before the load was finished, leaving them with a dryer full of odd socks. When word got back to a bright young physicist named Albert Einstein, he immediately made the connection with WWT. Drawing upon his famous equation, E=mc^2, he theorized that writing utensils and lost socks were being spontaneously converted into energy, leading to intense storms of energy that quite possibly were causing the unexplained sunspot cycle[6]. He later proposed that socks and writing tools be used as the core of the first nuclear weapons because of the immense energies that they could release, but they were replaced with uranium because the weapons team kept losing the test material.

It is interesting to note at this point that WWT was, indirectly, the cause of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. In a program so secret that only five people in this space-time continuum knew of it, America was attempting to harness the power of the writing utensil as propulsion for their spaceships. Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone, rather, he was part of a cadre of Soviet nationalists who were obsessed with winning the "space race."[7] (Russia would have been working on the secrets of the writing utensil as well, but for the fact that the ink always freezes when you get up in Russia. It's a well-known fact that WWT only occurs in useful tools. Empty ones, ones that write in ugly colors, or that one that your Aunt Bertha gave you with the peacock feathers on it will never undergo the process of WWT because they have no use to you and thus you won't be annoyed when they disappear.)

This brings us to 1995, when the true cause of WWT was finally uncovered. At the University of Illinois at Urbana[8], experiments to probe the boundaries that separate one dimension from another were ongoing. Purely by accident, the team pierced the barrier between our dimension and Dimension Pi.[9] A blinding flash of silver light filled the room with the particle accelerator. When the illumination finally returned to normal, the physicists were astonished to see the chamber filled with pens and pencils of all varieties. Thomas Jefferson's lost quill, Thomas Edison's missing note-taker, expensive Mont Blancs, cheap green retractables, Bics, Pilots, Uni-Balls, #2 pencils, non-standard #2.5 pencils, #3 pencils, Eagle Jeans pencils (the expensive yet flimsy ones made out of recycled denim), writing tools of every description. With this, humanity had finally uncovered the secret of WWT. Rather than undergoing a phase shift from matter into energy as proposed by Einstein, they underwent a dimensional shift, from our home dimension into Dimension Pi.

Sadly, this did not lead to the solution to the problem of the disappearing socks. We are forced to conclude that they were sent to another alternate dimension, possibly Dimension 2. Further experiments in the field of trans-dimensional footwear are being conducted

At this point, you might ask, "But what about the laws of thermodynamics?[10] How can matter be disappearing from this continuum?" And you would be quite right (although you think too much.) Further tests indicated that the mass of our dimension was not decreasing at all. It turns out that we are in a symbiotic relationship with Dimension Pi. We send them writing tools, and they send us... lint.

Yes, that,s right, lint. Ever wondered how lint always seems to get into your pockets no matter how soon after you wash your clothes? It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the laws that force this dimension and Dimension Pi into sharing mass in the form of writing utensils and lint. (Curiously, nothing else seems to be able to cross dimensions, although those who experiment with socks promise results "any day now."[11] This discovery was a great disappointment to our country's leaders, who had thought that we might be able to dispose of dangerous wastes, like uranium, napalm, and Pauly Shore, by dumping them into alternate dimensions.) Imagine, if you will, what life in Dimension Pi must be like. Writing tools, everything from Sumerian petroglyph stones to the styluses from Palm Vs, litter the inhabitants' pockets, while the rare and prized lint is used for recording ideas and, in some places, is so rare that it is considered legal tender.

So next time you buy a package of pens, buy a few extra. Who knows? Those few pens crossing over might be all that keeps our two dimensions from exploding in a flagrant violation of the laws of thermodynamics.

[1] In fact, in an early copy of the Declaration of Independence the phrase, "He has stolen the writing tools with which I have drafted this paper" can be found under the heading "Wrongs done by the King." back

[2] Proponents of this idea were quickly convinced otherwise when asked how the British were supposed to have gotten into their homes and stolen the quills. back

[3] Which runs from 1901-2000, dagnab it! back

[4] For one thing, how were the pens supposed to pick cotton without arms? back

[5] Unfortunately, since his pen was gone, he couldn't record this theory. He ran out and told the story to any idiot who would listen, thus creating the legend of the missing pen, which is even today passed down from generation to generation of Menlo Park winos. back

[6] Einstein was able to write his theory down, but because he hid the paper in his voluminous hair he was never able to find it again. It was rediscovered by the mortician who cracked open his skull to prepare his brain for transfer to the secret government facility at... but I've said too much already. back

[7] Of course, America kicked their Soviet behinds anyway. They still haven't put men on the moon. back

[8] You know, where Goatboy was created. back

[9] Don't ask me why they named it after a pastry. back

[10] As any good citizen knows, violating the laws of thermodynamics gets you a ¥5,000,000 (approximately 50 American cents) fine and five and a half years in the penal colony in Bali. Hey, wait a minute... back

[11] Translation: "This project is a total and utter failure, but we're getting paid too much to give it up." back