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Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Richard Davidson on 11/3/2002; 12:46 AM Worker 2567A was worried. Hed always been happy at Percotran, and a model employee. He was such an advanced child that hed already graduated from Educon, and took an entry level position at the age of five. As the new Data Processor in Area 3NW47B, of the Joan W. Lundberg Data Center, he had plenty of time set aside for play, and ongoing studies, as long as he kept up to production standards. When he wasnt toiling away in his polished steel cubicle, he was playing games, and was particularly adept at the ancient game of baseball, which Worker 2567A had heard originated in the times of the Romans. There was a courtyard only a few miles from Worker 2567As quarters, and it was over 300 square miles of forest, grass, and rivers. There was an excellent baseball diamond; even though the entire area was simply part of Percotran, it felt like freedom to Worker 2567A, as he would pitch shut outs by the age of 7. There had once been a great Roman Warrior by the name of Babe The Lion Killer Ruth, and after winning many battles for the Legion, he had become a hero at both warfare, and baseball, which was played in the Coliseum, according to the viewscreen in Worker 2567As cubicle. Hed always believed the Company Manifest, and thought himself fortunate. Somehow, the appearance of the strange man hed run into in hallway 2NN17-4AAA had changed all that. Worker 2567A didnt know how, but it had. These were the thoughts in his mind when a small indicator lit up on his panel, and a faint, muffled beep permeated the air. It was Commander Richter, who was in charge of this entire Quadrant. He was the Junior Commanding Vice President of Technological Design, and Worker 2567A had never developed even a tiny understanding of exactly what Richters job was. What he did understand, however, was that being summoned by him wasnt a good thing, and he began the arduous journey that involved 17 miles of hallway, 12 elevators, and three radiation detection stations. It would be hours until he got there, dreading the meeting the entire way. So he was surprised when he saw the fluctuating square of light appear in front of him, as would any Worker. Electronic Transport was only to be used by executives, to prevent unnecessary strain on company resources. Failure to comply was grounds for termination, but Worker 2567A knew quite well the doorway was for him, and on the other side would be Commander Richter. Most of Percotran was polished glass, marble, and a lightweight alloy known as Ventilum, but Commander Richters office was chiseled out of the side of a mountain, and had torches on the wall instead of fluorescent lights. There were no windows to speak of, only two small vertical slits like youd find in a Medieval Castle, with shafts of artificial sunlight streaming through. Commander Richter sat at a desk whose entire top consisted of a slice taken from a giant Teak tree, and loomed over the rest of the room from a height of seven feet. Worker 2567A sat on a small, three legged stool in front of that desk, and the light was shining in his face in such a manner that he really couldnt see Richter at all. To say he felt intimidated would be the unfortunate misuse of such a fine word, so let it only be said that Worker 2567A was shaking quite visibly, and very close to pissing himself. What does the Company Manifest say about unauthorized personnel? asked Commander Richter, his voice booming down from above. All unauthorized personnel are to be detained, and reported to Upper Management, Worker 2567A managed to get out. He had memorized all this by the age of 4, and been tested every six months ever since, after all. Then why did you fail to follow protocol, and allow an intruder to escape? the Commander boomed even more ferociously. Sir, I already stated in my report that I wasnt sure he was an intruder, until the brain scanner in the Resource Room detected it, and by then hed already started running. Yes, yes, boomed the Commander, I viewed your report. You allowed a moment of doubt to endanger the integrity of the companys resources, and you failed to act. This is most unfortunate. Worker 2567A didnt like the sound of that, and he vomited quite emphatically on the cold stone floor beneath him. A maintenance drone rushed out to clean it up, and offered him an antiseptic towel. My first thought was to demote you back to Data Loader, but your supervisor thinks youre too valuable. So you will stay at your present position, and continue your normal workload. Commander Richter paused, and the torches flickered gently. In addition to your current workload, you will assist Records Handler 17D on a special project, and you will be denied Rectime and Downtime until it is completed. Worker 2567A was shattered. Hed worked on extra projects for years to gain the privilege of Downtime, which was the companys word for sleep. Many workers didnt get that particular luxury, instead enduring 5 minutes a day of Artificial Regeneration, which was both painful and unnerving. He sensed there was something more to Commander Richters intentions, and wondered how much longer he would be alive. I find it quite interesting that the intruder said he worked for Percolex. The Commander leaned forward and Worker 2567A could see his craggy face. You and Records Handler 17D will report to the Vault, and begin the task of searching the Ancient Documents. We will find out if such a wild tale is true, or if this man is a Spy, or a Pirate. Worker 2567A didnt think the man seemed like a Pirate. He was far too slightly built for that. Although he couldve been a spy. But why would a spy have seemed so out of place, and called so much attention to himself? Worker 2567A found that a bit far-fetched, and he knew he had his work cut out for him. When another Electronic Transfer Window opened before him, Worker 2567A walked through without question. He emerged in the Judith P. Waxler Records Center, or Reccent 2NWNN. Worker 2567A? the 40ish, balding man asked. You must be Records Handler 17D, he answered. Just call me 17, Records Handler 17D responded, and offered his hand. All my friends do. Worker 2567A doubted very much he could be friends with a Records Handler, but he knew the importance of the project, and took 17s hand with a smile. Now what are we going to call you? 17 asked. Worker 2567A was taken aback by this. Hed been referred to as Worker 2567A his entire life. Or so hed thought. Suddenly, a strange feeling came over him, as a distance memory was trying to surface. I mean, smiled 17, Worker 2567As just a bit cumbersome, dont you think? Worker 2567A was lost in the moment, and for the first time he could remember, just plain didnt know what to say, and nodded stupidly. How about 25? asked 17. I dont think so, Worker 2567A said, his voice trailing off a bit. Well, said 17, well think of something. Weve got alot of work to do. No ones maintained this database for years, and there are quite a few glitches. To make matters worse, all data from before the 23rd century is stored in binary format. 17 made a face of disgust as he said the words. Surely no one expected them to make detailed searches through such a primitive medium. Worker 2567A said softly, Ted. What? Ted. My name is Ted. Ted? 17 looked aghast. What the hell kind of name is that? Its short for Theodore. That really didnt help any. 17 had never heard of names like that before. What does it mean? he asked, sitting down for a moment. I really dont think it means anything, Worker 2567A answered quietly, and then growing more assertive added, its just my name. Well, Theodore, ah, Ted, thats fine. Thats real fine. 17 scratched his chin a little absent-mindedly. I like that name. Shall we get started?
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Rachelle King on 10/31/2002; 9:25 PM Honestly, I think yur story is swell so far. The only constructive criticisms I could offer are just to point out some grammatical errors. But those errors really don't take away from your story. Unless, you are going to submit if for publication somewhere.
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Richard Davidson on 10/31/2002; 11:17 PM If I finish it, and the ending makes sense, I will definately submit it for publication. Please, please, please, criticize away! This has the potential to be a winner for me, unlike that stupid horror novel that I may ask Mark for help in deleting.
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Richard Davidson on 10/31/2002; 11:19 PM Oh, and keep in mind that I enjoy long sentences, but they have to be correct. I want to have my own unique style, but not at the cost of bad writing.
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Rachelle King on 11/1/2002; 4:52 PM "“Well,” said 17, “we’ll think of something. We’ve got alot of work to do. No one’s maintained this database for years, and there are quite a few glitches. To make matters worse, all data from before the 23rd century is stored in binary format.” 17 made a face of disgust as he said the words. Surely no one expected them to make detailed searches through such a primitive medium." The only part of the story (that I would criticize) that stuck out in my mind is the way you have split up the description of 17's face as he says "binary format" into two different paragraphs. It just flows awkwardly. Maybe if you found some way to incorporate the image of his face into the same sentence that he makes the comment in. Does this make any sense?
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Richard Davidson on 11/1/2002; 7:50 PM Some possibilities: "Well," said 17, making a face of disgust, "we'll think of something. We've got alot of work to do. No one's maintained this database for years, and there are quite a few glitches. To make matters worse, all data from before the 23rd century is stored in binary format." Surely no one expected them to make detailed searches through such a primitive medium. The only problem I have with this version is that it's not as readily apparent WHY he's making the face of disgust. --------------------------------- OR, "Well," said 17, his face showing disgust at the thought of doing a detailed search through such a primitive medium, "we'll think of something. We've got alot of work to do. No one's maintained this database for years, and there are quite a few glitches. To make matters worse, all data from before the 23rd century is stored in binary format." The problem with this version, is that we don't know what's primitive about the medium until he mentions the binary format. ------------------------------------------------------------ Oh well, editing's never been the fun part for me, as you might have guessed. I will think on this matter, and if you have any suggestions, feel free. While that is a sloppy or poor flow, it's not technically a grammatical error, so I'm wondering if you had any other passages in mind. (I've never thought myself capable of grammatical errors, so I definately need to know where I've made them! Yikes! How unprofessional! -especially if I've changed tense, or any of those horrifying blunders!) This third part, by the way, is one of those parts that's needed to advance the plot I have in mind, so writing it is a bit more work. In Part IV, I think I'll continue the story of Ted (worker 2567A,) and 17, before I move back to what's happening to Alexander over on that Pirate Ship. I can't rush it, but I'd like to post it soon. Thanks for your comments! I need to know up front: How many will you make before demanding Editing credit? Do you charge much? Can I pay you in Peanut Butter? How about Celery? You could put the Peanut Butter ON the Celery, and you'd have a healthy and delicious snack. Let me know.
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: ScottN on 11/1/2002; 8:44 PM I think that segment is just fine as it is, Richard.
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Rachelle King on 11/2/2002; 4:55 PM "Worker 2567A didn’t think the man seemed like a Pirate. He was far too slightly built for that. But he could’ve been a spy. But why would a spy have been so unsure of himself, and called so much attention to himself? Worker 2567A found that a bit far-fetched, and he knew he had his work cut out for him." 1st comment: Upon re-reading, the only errors I could find was the use of too many "But"-like words at the begining of sentences. However, some authors prefer to use these conjunctions at the begining of sentences and I am not one to criticize anyone's writing style. I am just pointing out what mainstream publishers do not like to see. Even if you prefer to use it at the begining of a sentence, using it twice for two different sentences in the same paragraph is another no-no. But,(tee-hee) that's all up to you. 2nd comment: You may make regular payments of peanut butter in 16 oz. jars. It is preferred that peanut butter is crunchy, but plain is acceptable. This establishment does not accept payment in the form of celery, lettuce, or any other food product that lacks calories. 3rd comment: In reference to previous criticism, how about: "Well," said 17, "we'll think of something. We've got alot of work to do. No one's maintained this database for years, and there are quite a few glitches. To make matters worse," he continued seeming disgusted, "all data from before the 23rd century is stored in binary format."
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Richard Davidson on 11/3/2002; 12:42 AM Ah! Now THAT's a useful criticism! Too many buts can be a problem. By isolating that paragraph, you also drew my attention to the repitition of the word "himself." I will fix that. (In fact, due to the non-linear nature of time, I already have -just check!) I still don't know what to think on that binary data paragraph. Your version is cleaner, but it leaves out the word "primitive," which I enjoy, for the simple reason that I like calling our present technology primitive, since we think it's so dandy. (yes, I know THAT paragraph was clumsy, but it's not part of the story, now is it?) I used to do a TV show, and when I would "wing" my on air commentary, I noticed my tendency to repeat words. You are being very helpful, Rachelle, and the peanut butter is on its way. Try not to get it stuck to the roof of your mouth. That can be a real pain. Why not put it on an apple slice, though? It may lack the necessary calories, but it's so darn yummy!
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: Rachelle King on 11/3/2002; 1:48 PM Oh, good day! The peanut butter is on the way! (I knew it was all for something.)
RE: Welcome to Percotran -Part III By: ScottN on 11/3/2002; 1:48 PM Too many buts can be a problem. This can generally be solved through rigorous attention to the "Buns of Steel" videotapes. :-)
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