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Lonely By: Brian Webber on 10/22/2004; 3:56 PM I wake up each up each morning reaching for someone who isn't there. I twist my finger where a ring had never been. I look at seemingly happily married couples on the street, and on TV and I feel angry, jealous. I think about the names of the children I do not have. I spoon with my body length pillow, sadly too short to represent any woman I'd be with. I sometimes cry for no reason. I can't watch the movie Children of a Lesser God anymore without wasting an entire pack of tissues. I go to sleep every night, saying the name of a woman I've never met, who probably doesn't exist. A different name every night. "I love you Rita." "I love you Stephanie." "I love you Meredith." "I love you Penny." I dream about a wedding day that never happened, an anniversary that hasn't come. I kiss the part of my body pillow closest to my head and I say "I love you." I am so lonely, in this house with 4 other people, a dog, and more than 20 cats. Every woman I've ever loved has hurt me badly. But I still go to bed every night, spooning that pillow, kissing it good night, telling it that I love her, and that I always will. It's what keeps me going. This is the life of a young man who grew up too quickly. A man who wants to succeed where his parents who loathe each other failed. I am afraid to let the truth about myself be known to my family out of fear of ridicule. As far as they are concerned, I am a eunuch. Only those I've met on-line know the real me. And even then, there are things I won't tell even those I trust most. This is Brian D Webber of Denver, Colorado's life, day in, day out. At least I have the internet. Without it, I'd have no friends. No life. No purpose. When asked why I haven't committed suicide, the only reason I can think of is, too stubborn. Too paranoid. Killing myself would only let my enemies win, and letting them win is a fate worse then death. Perhaps with the love of a beautiful intelligent funny women, I could rise above them. No longer be down on their level. Out of the emotional gutter. But until then, I'm simply alone. Except for my body pillow. I am still a virgin. But not by choice. Out of spite. To spite my sex crazed porn addicted father. Is it wrong to tell a 12 year old that all he needs is a good blow job? I say yes. Maybe it's this dysfunction, this fear of becoming my father that has kept me alone. Except for my body pillow. I have fallen in love many times, but have successfully fallen out only once. My greatest fear is that all at once all of the women I've loved will come back at the same time, all wanting me to forgive them and be with them. But the dream has a happy ending. My head explodes, making the point moot. Removing my need to choose. I yearn to hold my body pillow now. I'm 19 years old now. I've felt this way since I was 15. Maybe earlier. Most of my early life is a blur.
RE: Lonely By: Evan on 5/1/2001; 8:25 AM What is spooning a pillow? I can't picture what exactly could be done to a pillow with a spoon except to poke it.
RE: Lonely By: Dawn Good on 5/1/2001; 1:33 PM wow! this piece of writing was really intense, and completely telling it like it is. I loved it keep writing
RE: Lonely By: Dorothy Marie on 5/1/2001; 3:03 PM I didn't think anyone else ever felt that way. I did once, but I blocked most of it out. I admire your strength to post that.
RE: Lonely By: Evan on 5/1/2001; 7:33 PM I know how you feel. I used to be lonely too but then I found that I could have wonderful conversations with myself. I turned a bit more to introspection. Besides don't be lonely anymore, you have a whole group of people to discuss things with here. My motto is to not worry about the past, its all water under the bridge. Of course my memory is so bad I have very little choice in that matter.
RE: Lonely By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 5/2/2001; 11:58 PM are you really 19? Do we all do that? Don't we all feel that tocuh of loneliness? I do not have a body pillow, but I can't sleep comfortablly without a pillow to hug. I speak to the imaginary husband i do not have and those words i would never say to them in life. but it keeps me ok, and i seem ok, and so everything is ok. but i can't write that like you do. if i could, i would have already. great work
RE: Lonely By: Brian Webber on 5/3/2001; 3:50 AM are you really 19? Yep.
RE: Lonely By: Dorothy Marie on 5/3/2001; 2:31 PM How lonely are you? i.e. Do you have friends, but no "lovers?", or just no one?
RE: Lonely By: Brian Webber on 5/3/2001; 6:56 PM Plenty of friends, but no lovers.
RE: Lonely By: Richard Davidson on 5/3/2001; 7:57 PM Hey man, there's a better reason to be lonely. To appreciate love when we find it. That's right, men your age who've already had sex with dozens of women, and been the ones to do the hurting have no appreciation of women, none whatsoever. When I was in my teens, and early twenties, I always looked younger than I was, I was very shy, and I was everything you described above. Looking at the happy couples, blah blah blah, flowers and trees, oh baby, now can I just tell you something? You're romanticizing, and though it makes your writing very excellent, it don't do nothin' to help you feel good about yourself. Those same "happy couples" have everything from control issues to outright violence when they're not walking through the park, and it's all because they think they DESERVE love, when the fact is, love is a rare and magical gift, and you have to live your life right, so it can come to you. Treat all women as friends, go ahead and let a few more break your heart, and learn to cherish those stolen moments when she was looking into your eyes, and you felt a buzz you can't get anywhere else. By the way, none of this is a critique of your writing, I'm just giving advice to a lonely young man, and believe me, I've been there. In my late twenties, I got busy pursuing so many interests I didn't have time to feel lonely, at least not very often. I got that look of NEEDY DESPERATION out of my eyes, and women started treating me better. First I dated a sexy redhead, who cheated on me, so I dumped her, but we had a nice time for awhile. Then, at 30, I met an intensely gorgeous brunette, who shared alot of my interests, and seemed perfect at first, but after five years I realized she would always be a cheater, too. Both of those women tried pretty hard, but they just didn't have it in 'em. So I've had quite the string of beauties break my heart since my shy days of youth, and I don't regret any of it. Now I have finally met a woman that I can truly trust. She's got style, morals, and knows how to make me feel loved, and for that, I'm going to marry her. She just happens to be a gorgeous blonde, and I believe her to be my reward for having patience, and treating those women with respect, along with the thousands of women I've been "just friends" with. Those women who want to be your friend, they are your personal trainers in the area of what women want, and what they're looking for. When a woman wants to just talk openly with you, with no romance at all, this is a golden opportunity for you to communicate honestly with a woman, something that takes a hell of a lot of practice, believe me. I believe in enjoying the opposite sex, for all they have to offer, as people, and not getting too hung up on one, until one is all hung up on you! It will happen, believe me, and you better not waste it when it does, because sometimes it doesn't happen again for a long time! Good luck, dude, and screw all that suicide talk, man, stick around and kick some ass! I did, and you should see me smiling right now!
RE: Lonely By: Dorothy Marie on 5/4/2001; 5:49 PM Oh, well that's the difference. I had no friends, either. But I'm better for it. And I think this is the first time I have said this, but Richard Davidson has a point. However, I have no right to butt into this because I am only here to write and critique, so I will just show myself the door on this thread.
RE: Lonely By: Brian Webber on 10/22/2004; 3:57 PM Fixed spelling erros, and grammar issues. I've also submitted this poem to a contest. If it wins I get $10,000!
RE: Lonely By: tiffany on 11/5/2004; 8:42 PM hay i admire you for your brutal honesty with yourself. your an amazing writer and you sound as if you are more that a decent human being, which is an extreme rarity these days. i can't say that i know how you fell simplely because i am not you but i can take your emotion behind those words and apply it to my situtation. and from this i can say that i "know" how you feel. i have "friends", the ones that say "oh my god i love you so much, you are such a great person" then behind your back start as many rumors as they can and twist your words to make you look like a sick freak. i feel quite alone. so i guess your words can apply to many different situations. once again, you are a great and talented writer, with a huge gift. goodluck to you and may you find that someone that is right for you. (hay dont worry about being 19. im 16. please keep writing...)
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