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You Think You've Got Problems!!!!! By: Evan on 10/21/2001; 6:42 PM It is okay to publish this. Its a bit quirky because I did it for an assignment about doing a character sketch. There lived in a rather nice looking yet isolated house, a hazel-eyed man named Winky and in his huge brown beard lived his hamster, Killer. In actual fact their names are Adam and Snuggles but a disturbing incident caused Adam to change his and Snuggless names. He and Snuggles were walking along one day minding their own business, admiring the scenery of his country home when suddenly he and Snuggles were paralyzed. They could not move their arms or legs and apparently only their heads still functioned, albeit much more sluggishly then usual. They then wet themselves which indicated that some other parts were operational as well. Adam fell sideways as a breeze knocked him over. Fortunately Snuggles was well cushioned within the thick beard and was therefore unharmed. Two tall translucent men with tiny purple eyes walked up from behind them with a gurney. They pulled Snuggles out of Adams beard and put him in a container similar to a Rubbermaid container except that it had air holes in the top. They then placed Adam on the gurney and brought him and Snuggles onto a space ship, which had been camouflaged to look like a hill with a tree on top. They had difficulty lifting and maneuvering Adam, as he weighed about 150 pounds and was about five feet eight inches tall. The two aliens opened a door in the tree and they took the frozen man and hamster into the spaceship for experimentation. Hello human. Please try and remain calm. We are merely going to take some tissue and blood samples, plus you and your small rodent will have to undergo an .. Pardon me for a moment I can never remember the word when I want it, said the alien biologist who came to greet them. He pulled out a Jouyquarg-English dictionary and thumbed through it and found the word he wanted. An anal probe, or an anal probe, he said as he pulled out a long cylindrical object and flipped Adam over onto his stomach. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Screamed Adam as the tube obtained a bowel sample. The alien then pulled out a smaller version of the cylinder from his desk and gave the tube to an assistant who had been out of Adams view. Adam slowly turned his head to have a look at what the aliens were doing to Snuggles. SQUEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK! Squeaked Snuggles. After the anal probe things became more or less like a doctors appointment. The biologist took some blood from his arm as well as some skin while the assistant did the same to Snuggles. We thank you for your cooperation, we mean you no real harm, despite the fact that you apparently did not like the anal probe very much. Were going to release you now but we will keep you under observation. The two original aliens came back with the gurney and the Rubbermaid container. They dropped off Snuggles and Adam and reentered the ship, which promptly took off. The ship soon faded from sight and the man and his hamster regained motility. This entire incident naturally caused a bit of paranoia on the part of Adam. He moved to Nebraska and bought a cottage in between several cornfields. He set up a minefield and a surface to air missile battery to ward of the aliens. He changed his name to Winky so that the aliens could not find him. Snuggles became Killer, the trained attack hamster. Winky, who was a retired engineer, had been responsible for the construction of nuclear missiles and power plants. He was rather ingenious but most people think him to be a lunatic because the majority of the population thought that alien sightings were hoaxes. He was intent on stopping an alien invasion that he believed were coming soon despite the fact that the aliens were very peaceful and gentle, other than the anal probe, of course. His intense paranoia caused him to see the aliens handiwork in something as simple as a mistake in his order at McDonalds. On the whole his entire personality revolved around his traumatic experience on the alien craft. He even went so far as to train Killer to jump out of his beard and attack people who he suspected to be aliens (to the unpleasant surprise of the guy at the drive-up window). His pet peeves were of course, aliens, alien spacecraft, and anal probes.
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