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Simian Cycle By: Evan on 10/21/2001; 6:51 PM Lieutenant Bob surveyed the barren landscape and began to ponder why he was always given the weirdest cases. So far this week he had to investigate the loss of the entire complement of the zoo's new chimpanzee exhibit as well as the theft of a large number of motorcycles from a locked show room. And now the complete trashing of Dr. Dyspepsia's Fruit Stand and Gastrointestinal Clinic left the air rank with the smell of grapefruits, mangos and Pepto Bismal. Scattered bits of half eaten fruit lay strewn along the little road that led to Dr. Dyspepsia's Fruit Stand and Gastrointestinal Clinic. Resigned to his fate of investigating another strange occurrence, Lieutenant Bob walks into the interior of the building to question the people present at the time of the devastation. The witnesses consisted of three people with chronic diarrhea who could not be questioned since they were occupied with their business, and the night nurse. He notices the nurse sitting outside the bathroom door with two large bookshelves. One of the bookshelves was filled with books but the other housed a few thousand rolls of toilet paper. "Hello Ma'am, I'm Lieutenant Bob with the police department. Can you tell me what happened here?" "Oh hi, I'm Peri Tonitis. I can't tell you much of the specifics. I heard some noises but I was required to stay by the bathroom doors in case my patients needed toilet paper or something to read. I heard squealing noises and the sounds of motorcycles. I quickly locked the door to the clinic so that whoever was invading the fruit stand and the gastrointestinal pharmacy, could not get to my patients. After that I continued to hear the squeals, something like a monkey I guess until the motorcycles started back up again." "Can you think of anyone who might have had some sort of vendetta against Dr. Dypepsia?" "Nope I can't think of anyone who really dislikes Dr. Dyspepsia. He would play the occasional practical jokes on people such as putting laxatives in their coffee but no one would ever want to wreck the produce stand. We have the best fruit within a 20 mile radius." "Well thank you ma'am. If no one has a motive its probably just some gang having their idea of fun. Nothing to worry about. Now I must be going, I've got to find some clues to solve this case before 5:00. " "You're very driven Lieutenant." "Not really, I don't get overtime." "Goodbye Lieutenant." Lieutenant Bob went on to talk with the two officers who had been bagging evidence outside. Bob approaches the one with the weird Polish name that nobody can pronounce to ask whether he had discovered anything useful. "Did you find anything Kcitspid?" "Oh yes sir, I found a dollar right here on the ground and I'm going to use it in a vending machine." "Anything relevant to the case?" "Uh, I haven't found anything but I think that Pat found something" Pat at that point was busy bagging some sort of brown gushy substance. "Hey Pat! Did you find anything. Ugh!!!! What's that smell?" Lieutenant Bob said as he tried to prevent his lunch from taking a vacation from his stomach. "That smell is what I've found. I think its some kind of fecal matter. It seems a bit small to be from a person but I guess there could be a lot of midgets here. Whoever came here apparently consumed all of the laxatives in addition to the fruit." "Now wait, I've smelled this wretched odor already this week. Now where was it? Oh yes my lunch. This smells exactly like my lunch. I don't think my lunch did this though. I've had a padlock on it ever since that time it took hostages and started a major standoff. I really have got to sign my wife up for some cooking lessons. Well we can always ask the expert on this sort of thing. Dr. Dyspepsia!!!!!!!!!!" A short balding man with dark hair, a dark complexion and dark eyes walks up to Lieutenant Bob. He had chosen an appropriate profession for himself, as he resembled a turd. "How may I be of assistance Lieutenant Bob?" "Do you know what this is?" He waves the bag full of poop in front of the good doctor. "Well, that's quite strange, its unusually high in fiber, apparently due to laxatives such as Metamucil and Fiber-con. Something is a little bit odd about this, there appear to be some sort of bugs in the excrement. There's also some other slight differences in composition which lead me to believe that whoever pooped this was not human, possibly some other mammal of lesser weight. My expertise however is with human excrement, I've been fascinated with it ever since I was a child. It was much more fun to mold than Play-doh. However the study of non-human excrement does not interest me as much. I mean this stuff wouldn't make half as good a fertilizer as..." "Thank you Dr. that's all I wanted to know," Bob snapped, before Dr. Dyspepsia could regale him with more factoids about human manure. Bob now knew what was going on to a degree and so he left Dr. Dyspepsia's Fruit Stand and Gastrointestinal Clinic and went to the zoo. At the zoo Lieutenant Bob had trouble with the ticket taker. "I'm sorry sir. I can't let you in unless you buy a ticket." "Look I'm with the police, I need to see Seymour Mumms, the primate house manager, about the stolen chimpanzees." "Sure you are. Do you realize how often I get that?? Nobody gets in without the $5 admissions charge. No matter who they claim to work for!!!!!" "I was here two days ago and the guy let me in without any trouble." "Who did!!!!!!!???? He's going to be fired, whoever he is!!!!!!! Excuse me I'm going to check the schedule and talk to the manager and then call the bum who let you in, you degenerate freeloader." The extremely overzealous man checked the schedule and ran off to the managers office. Bob carefully stepped over the gate and went to the primate house and knocked on Mumms's office door. "Come in!" A voice shouts. "Woo woo woo woo woo woo!!!!" Another voice shouts. Bob walks in to see Mumms putting a diaper onto a howler monkey. He finishes the diaper by stapling it into place. The monkey continues to howl. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "Oh no I had just finished putting the howler monkeys in diapers. If they poop loose they have a tendency to throw their turds at people. Mr. Mumms, I wanted to ask you some more about the stolen chimpanzees. Where did you get them from and have they been trained? Why do you need to know this? I thought you just had to find them and catch them. I have reason to believe that they stole some motorcycles and trashed Dr. Dyspepsias Fruit Stand and Gastrointestinal Clinic. Well, thats awful. I got them from a circus. They apparently were trained to do motorcycle stunts. There was even one named Bobodini who was an escape artist. We figured he must have been the one to break them out of the cage. Why didnt you tell me this when I was here earlier!!!! First of all you didnt ask. Secondly, I thought that animal control would be primarily responsible for finding the monkeys. Well okay, do you have any idea where they might go now that they have motorcycles? Well odds are they would go to a place that seems familiar to them, perhaps a jungle gym or an amusement park where they could climb stuff. Thank you for your time, I think I have an idea where they are, said as he began to leave. Are you going to tell me? No, Bob says and leaves. On his way out Bob manages to avoid the overzealous ticket guy by moving about on all fours until he got into his rickety old Volkswagen Beetle. He drove to the State Fair Grounds, which were closed at this time of the year. He noticed the motorcycles parked in the parking lot and took the keys out of all of them. He radioed for animal control to come pick up the chimpanzees while he went to go find out where exactly they were. All of the missing chimpanzees were climbing around on the Ferris wheel. When they see Lieutenant Bob they clamber down and begin throwing anything they can find at him. Mostly they throw rocks at him but there were a few chunks of caca mixed in. Bob was not enjoying himself in the hail of projectiles. Luckily for him, the chimpanzees ran out of ammunition fairly rapidly. Okay chimps, give yourselves up now and nobody gets hurt. Uwaooooooeeeeoeeeeoaoooaooaoaaoaoaooaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooo! Respond the Pan troglodytes. Bob reaches into his trench coat for his gun but instead finds a note from his wife saying that he left his gun in his pocket when she washed the coat last and that the dryer seems to have damaged it. While Bob is reading the note, the chimps decide to flee and escape capture. They run for their motorcycles only to discover that the keys are not in them and they cant start the motorcycles. Then the animal control people arrived and fired tranquilizer darts into the apes. All the chimpanzees fell and were returned to the zoo. To prevent them from escaping in the future the lock to the cage door was placed well out of reach of the great Bobodini.
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