| |
| Writings Discussion Authors Help Search Home |
Social Life By: Evan on 10/22/2001; 1:30 PM Ive never had much success with a social life, because I honestly didnt see the point in going out with people. Then that puberty thingy hit me hard and I wanted to go out on dates, but could not seem to procure one. All the girls I asked said things like No Habla Anglais. I cant go, I think Im catching the Bubonic plague. Youre kidding right. Or the worst of all, Get lost loser! To aid me in getting a date in the future, I bought the book The Idiots Guide to Dating. I wondered how an idiot could be competent to help others with their dating difficulties but realized that the idiots cant be any worse off than I am. I read the whole book and the whole thing amounts to, be yourself, smile, and dont be too anxious. Well, Ive been doing the be yourself part, I dont have much cause to smile since I keep being rejected, and I havent really had the opportunity to be anxious since the rejection usually occurred as soon as I got the words would you out of my mouth. As for how to get a date, it suggested that maybe I should try setting my standards lower. I went to the circus but the bearded lady would not go out with me. As it turns out she was married to the three-legged man. I decided to try blind dating. Thinking that perhaps if the date doesnt know who I am, I can get her to like me based on my convivial personality. Thats my main problem; I can make people laugh but that is about all I can do socially. On the other hand thats apparently how Roger Rabbit attracted his wife so it might work. Of course that was in a movie and movies dont always conform to reality. On my first blind date, I met my date at the movie theater. We watched a remake of This Island Earth. She was very beautiful and actually liked me. Unfortunately, she was my cousin and we probably would not be going out again. She apparently had decided to try a blind date because she was writing a psychology paper to determine why people go on blind dates, rather than simply meet people in person. I answered her question simply enough, desperation. I decided to try another blind date, figuring that such a bizarre coincidence would not occur again. My next date turned out to be a golden retriever; apparently the person who brought the dog had accidently phoned the dating service I was using instead of the dog-sitting service. The two services were right next to each other in the phonebook. The woman who phoned the dating service told them that she needed someone to look after her Elizabeth. They then gave directions to my house to this person. Oh well, I made $50 for watching this persons dog for a week. Elizabeth was a wonderful dog who was very easy to look after so at least I had a good time, even if it wasn't what I'd intended. I figured that the third times the charm so I resolved myself to another blind date. This time it was an actual female member of the species Homo sapiens who was not related to me. I picked her up at what I thought was her house, we ate dinner and chatted, and had a rather good time. I then drove her home. She then leaned towards me as if to give me a kiss, but instead chloroformed me. She then stole my car and left me completely naked in the middle of the road. I was then arrested for indecent exposure and possible drunkenness. After passing the Breathalyzer test, they gave me some weird disposable clothing and gave me a ride home. The woman who did this to me had apparently done this before to a lot of other people. Eventually I did get my car back but I resolved to give up on the whole blind dating process, as it seemed to leave me worse off than when I was without a date. After all that muck with blind dating I was seriously considering becoming a priest. However, I decided to look through the Idiots Guide one more time to see if there were any other alternatives. It recommended support groups as a good place to procure dates. I figured that the people at these self-help groups might be lonely and even willing to go out with me. I signed up for every support group I could find, without paying too much attention to what problems I was supposed to have to be in them. I had made a commitment so I had to go to all of the meetings I signed up for but the first one was kind of scary. I had signed up to be part of a group called BMA. I had no idea what it stood for but once I got there I discovered that it was an abbreviation for Badger Molesters Anonymous. Everyone kept admitting that they had a problem and explained the things they had done to badgers. Shortly it came to be my turn to speak. Uhh, Im Roger and Im a recovering badger molester. I used to stick badgers in my armpits until they passed out. I lied. Everyone else in the room began regarding me suspiciously as if they could now tell that I had never molested any badgers. At the end of the meeting a badger was brought out and let loose to wander around the room, to test everyones restraint. Gradually all the badger molesters could no longer restrain themselves and pounced upon the badger and began to do the most horrifying things to it before the counselor restrained them. I quietly slid out the door. The other support groups went much better for the most part. In Alcoholics Anonymous I made a few friends. These people were really worse off than I was. For some reason they did not even notice that I am well below the drinking age. I did not however find anybody who would go out with me, because of the age difference of about 5 years at the least. The group that probably worked the best for me was Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, which had been mentioned specifically in the book. They all quickly realized that I was certainly not addicted to coitus. A lot of the women there actually asked me out though. I think the idea was that they could more easily restrain themselves with me. I had some really wild times with them and I think a lot of them actually liked me. For example there was one particular girl who I really hit it off well with. Her name was Chloe Pulate. We went out for quite a while and mostly just talked. She was extremely good-looking and had been courted excessively since she was twelve. She had ended up doing the matrimonial polka so many times that she had become dependant on the feelings she got. With her I had the opposite problem with my other dating attempts, she was way TOO interested. I had to restrain her enthusiasm quite a bit, as I understood she truly had a problem, and was currently going cold turkey and was not supposed to copulate at all for a certain period to rid herself of the addiction. Eventually her therapy ended and she was pronounced cured. She thanked me for the help and went on her way. I believe she eventually got married and had about 13 children. She really helped me, by reversing the role I had normally played. I understood what it was to have someone interested in me more than I am comfortable with. Now that Ive actually been on the dating seen a little (albeit probably not with your average people) it all seems a little less daunting. Ive figured out that I can get a date from just about any girl now by following a few simple principles. First of all, ask about three months in advance, they will be hard pressed to come up with an excuse. They cant say they have the bubonic plague that far ahead because the odds are they would recover before the date. Also be persistent, just keep asking until they accept or start shooting at you. Ive managed to have about ten successful dates, even some where the girls would go out with me again, and Ive only been shot at about seven times. Thankfully none of the girls has ever managed to seriously damage any vital organs but my parents tell me that my health insurance rates are skyrocketing. Oh well I dont care so much at least I have something of a social life now, and the prospect of getting married and having children eventually.
RE: Social Life By: Mark Morgan on 4/8/2001; 11:12 PM Do you want this published? And as fiction or non-fiction?
RE: Social Life By: Evan on 4/9/2001; 8:32 AM Yes publish this please. Its definetly fiction, I'm not quite so lucky as the guy in my story.
|
|
||||||||||||||||||
| Copyright Notice | Privacy Policy | Contact | |
 |
|