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The Right Honorable Holy Order of Giblets By: Evan on 10/22/2001; 1:31 PM Matt and Jim were playing in the playground during recess at the Paul Oliver Owens Patterson Institute (POOPI for short) when they heard their teachers talking about a cult that had hurdled themselves off of a high promontory, because they believed that Armageddon was coming the next day in the form of a giant rabid lemur. Matt and Jim were only in kindergarten and did not understand most of what the two teachers were talking about, and so they went into their classroom and hefted Ms. Ysleks dictionary down from its shelf, the heavy book threatening to crush them throughout their endeavor. When they finally got it down, they looked up the word cult. The word had six definitions, none of which the two children found completely sensible. The words they understood in the definitions they merged to create their own definition of cult. These words were religious group living in an unconventional manner (they had looked up unconventional the previous week) devotion to a person or thing and from this grouping of words they decided that a cult is a religious group of people devoted to something, and who do weird stuff. They thought about this for a little bit and decided that having their own cult might be a lot of fun. They did not have enough time to consider what the object of their devotion should be because the bell rang and class resumed. That night, Matts mom asked him to help her clean out the fridge. She would pull stuff out of the refrigerator and he would throw them in the garbage disposal. Moldy bread, spoiled milk, rancid meat, and a bag of something gushy which really intrigued Matt passed through his hands. Mom, whats this? He asked, brandishing the bag. Oh those are just the turkey giblets left over from Thanksgiving. Dump them down the disposal. A sudden revelation came over Matt and he realized that he had at last (This was only about three hours later but three hours is virtually an eternity to a six-year old.) found the central focus for his cult. May I go to the bathroom? What do you say? Uhh . Whats the magic word? Ohhhhhh. May I PLEASE go to the bathroom? You may but dont take too long and remember to lift the seat first and put it down when you are through. Your sister doesnt like falling into the toilet. Especially since you often forget to flush. Okay Mom. He surreptitiously tucked his shirt in and put his bag of sacred relics in his shirt. On his way to the bathroom, he stuffed the gushy gravy-enriched organs into his booksack so that he could show them to Jim the next morning. Jim expressed a great deal of interest in the giblets and they decided to base their cult around giblets. They established the holy quaternity consisting of the heart, the spleen, the liver, and the gizzard. As a place of worship they selected a mosque whose previous patrons had been carted off to jail after a series of bombings of public restrooms. Pending their trial, no one had taken any interest in the place. Jim and Matt set up the holy quaternity of giblets on four podiums. The organs sat in jars of formaldehyde that they had pilfered from one of POOPI's high school science labs, so that the representations of the aspects of their great god, whose name they were still in the process of making up, would not be subject to the demonic decaying action. They also painted a large sign, which said, The Right Honorable Holy Order of Giblets visitors welcome . Office hours are 3:00-5:00 p.m. Monday through Friday and 6:00 a.m. through 7:00 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. Worship of the Holy Giblets at 1:00 p.m. on Saturday; bring your own bag lunch. Their next step in establishing the cult was to find vestments for them to wear when they preside over the holy ceremony. They went to various local religious institutions and took various parts of other religions holy vestments. They mixed the vestments together, and added a pair of underwear for each of them to wear on their head. They then anointed these garments with the holy gravy. At 2:00pm on weekdays, they put on their garments and preached the holy giblet scripture, attempting to convince others that only the giblets would give salvation and that they must hurry because soon we will all be boiled into a soup for the evil cow turd. Only those who put their faith in the holy quaternity would survive. At their first Sunday service the temple was packed. People from every walk of life came to hear the good news. First they sang a hymn, that the boys had contrived. Everyone present took the song to be holy and written in some divinely inspired tongue. In actuality, Matt and Jim had simply converted the song Frere Jacques into a French version of pig Latin. Next in the service came the anointing of all present with the holy gravy, which had been poured into a super soaker water gun. Since they could not yet write scripture yet (writing more than one sentence at a time was too difficult for them) they had gotten a copy of a giblet cookbook from the local library and read it to the hundreds of people gathered to hear them. Take the giblets out of their bag and plop them in water and bring them to a boil, spoon into a bowl and serve with crackers, Jim read. Matt then gave the sermon. What is the meaning of this Holy Scripture some might ask, and to that I think I have an answer. The great giblets, whose representations sit on the four holy pedestals, sacrificed themselves to be eaten, with crackers, by the evil cow turd to save us. Everyone present believed his words. They apparently couldn't tell he was making it up as he went along, except for some of the big words, which he had looked up beforehand. They donated generous contributions, to the extent that Jim and Matt were able to buy an altar and a giant refrigerated vat with a pressurized hose to squirt people with gravy during the anointing ceremony. They continued with their cult for another three years but soon became bored with it. They stepped down as bishops of the Right Honorable Holy Order of Giblets, which continued under the supervision of its patrons, until the former occupants of the mosque got released from jail and dispersed them by attacking them with giant sausages.
RE: The Right Honorable Holy Order of Giblets By: Dorothy Marie on 4/8/2001; 2:36 PM I like this, Evan! It's... quite... Jibbly?
RE: The Right Honorable Holy Order of Giblets By: Evan on 4/8/2001; 5:26 PM Thank you!!!!!!!!!! May the blessings of the holy gizzard follow you everywhere!!!!!!
RE: The Right Honorable Holy Order of Giblets By: Chie Theresa Fujioka on 4/16/2001; 1:36 PM DOT!!! JIBBLYGIBBETS!!! not giblets *sigh* hehe i dont think evan got that tho. jibbly gibbets!! great gloves of chicken!
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