What's that smell?

By Evan

Many years later, he remembered his first experience with ice. Fred had gone over to the local pond, which had frozen over in the cold Wisconsin winter. He stepped onto the ice, and promptly slid along until he skidded to a stop right under a cow. The cow at that precise moment had chosen to herself. The cow's bodily fluids coated Fred and treated him to a sensory feast, which only a cockroach could enjoy. He smelled the fresh fetid scent of freezing cow urine, and he felt the pain on his bottom from the fall on the ice. He knew that he would be in trouble when he realized that the stupid cow had completely soaked his new socks. He decided that he had better get home before the cow urine froze completely. Fred realized he needed the cow along to explain why his socks were wet, so he jumped on the cow's back and gave her a prod with his trusty spork, Nelly Bell. The cow began to run across the countryside, the dinging of its bell the only sound. Fred arrived at the house but faced a dilemma; he knew how to make a cow run, but he did not know how to make her stop. The cow kept going and smashed through the door of his house before coming to a halt in the kitchen. "Fred!" yelled his mother. "How many times do I have to tell you, do not ride cows in the house! They track dirt all over the place and you know that the aliens might come get the cow and mutilate it. I certainly don't want any aliens in the house, therefore NO cows in the house!!!" She noticed that cow urine coated all his clothes, particularly his socks.

"For goodness sakes Fred! You've gotten cow urine all over yourself. I've told you this almost as many times as I've told you about cows in the house. You milk the cow at the udders, not at the urethra. You've gone and ruined your new socks with your foolishness, so you don't get to go to Mount Rushmore."

Fred managed to hid the smile on his face. He did not want to go to Mount Rushmore; his parents had chosen the place as a fun activity for a fifteen-year-old boy. He would rather read the complete works of Shakespeare than go to boring old Mount Rushmore, unless he had some explosives for a little redecorating job.

"How do you expect to get into a prestigious university like Texas A and M or the University of Chicago when you let the cows use your pants as a toilet," his mother continued harshly.

"But Mom, it wasn't my fault this time. I went five hundred feet from our house and found some smooth hard stuff on the ground. I slipped and slid under the cow."

"Shame on you! You know you are not supposed to go farther than 200 feet from the house until you are eighteen. The outside world is with adult supervision only. "

Many years have now past and Fred is a billionaire thanks his patent on the cow toilet, which immediately induces cows to urinate into an appropriate receptacle. He had tasted the fruits of success in what everyone ridiculed as something no one in their right mind would want. What these poor fools failed to realize is that the majority of people are not in their right minds. Fred still remembers that first experience with ice as his inspiration for the cow toilet, because his rump still hurts every time he sits down.

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