Viva La Revolutione

By Evan

Its okay to publish this. I should mention ahead of time that this story very heavily makes fun of the Mexicans. I do not intend for this to be an accurate representation of the Mexicans and do not intend to offend anyone. This is partly my own random inventions and partly based on stuff a couople of students in Spanish class did to drive their Spanish teacher insane. A few people read this story and were upset by it. I'm sorry but most humor has to make fun of something.

Pablo was fed up. He was fed up with the collapse of the Mexican economy, he was fed up with all his fellow countrymen being eaten by condors, and he was fed up with having to wait in line to use one of his country’s three computers all the while being targeted by the condors. In short, he was fed up with the oppressive regime of the Taco Bell Chihuahua, Dinky. He began to spread his dissatisfaction to everyone he met and thus a revolution was begun. The armed uprising began and Dinky successfully fled to the United States. Pablo became El Presidente of the Republic of Mexico.

Pablo’s first act as the ruler of Mexico was to address the economic problems due to all of the unemployment, and the problem of Dinky’s government in exile in El Paso. His solution was to declare war and invade the United States in order to capture Dinky and to create jobs for people in military. Pablo attempted to call the President of the United States in order to officially declare war but he was laughed off the phone by the president’s secretary. He decided to use the one surviving computer (the other two were destroyed in the fury of the uprising) to send an email to the U.S. government, declaring that the harboring of Dinky constituted an act of war against Mexico and that military action by the Mexican army was coming.

Under his command, the Mexicans all grabbed whiffle bats, spoons, and plungers, and charged the border with U. S. The 10 border guards on duty on the Mexican border were surprised by the initial onslaught but managed to fend off the enraged Mexicans with their rifles, sustaining only minor injuries due to Mexicans who got within whiffle bat range. Unfortunately, they ran out of bullets but still managed to hold off the Mexicans for 10 more hours by throwing rocks at them. The Mexicans finally prevailed in overrunning the guards, sustaining roughly ten percent casualties, or about 100,000 of the million or so who fought the Battle of the Rio Grande. They continued their mad charge throughout, sustaining relatively heavy casualties due to the heavily armed Texan civilians. Despite the heavy losses through sheer numbers, the kitchen implement wielding Mexicans overran Texas, burning all of the Taco Bells as they went, and decided to continue into New Mexico after the quick execution of Dinky who had been captured trying to sneak out of El Paso with a family of rats.

Dinky was led up to the gallows. Pablo and the other Mexicans were jubilant that the subject of their ire had been captured and would soon pay for his crimes against the Mexican people.

“Do you have anything to say before justice is meted upon you?” Pablo asked in Spanish.

“Yo Queiro Taco Bell!” Dinky shouted defiantly.

At this the people were in an uproar and Dinky was put on a large footstool and his neck was placed in the noose. When the stool was removed from under him, he dangled there for a bit before falling to the ground, his weight having been to little to asphyxiate him. The people really wanted Dinky dead so they beat him to death with their whiffle bats and stuck his head on a pike. The Mexican Army then launched an attack against the United States Air Force base in Los Alamos, New Mexico. They attacked at night when all the soldiers had gone home to sleep. The janitorial staff ran out to meet them. They fought a fierce battle, the din of whiffle bats colliding with squeegee mops, a loud hurly-burly in the cool New Mexican night. In the end the janitors won the battle. Their squeegee mops had proven to be superior to the whiffle bats. After the Mexican defeat at the battle of Los Alamos, Pablo decided that it was necessary to sue for peace. A message was sent by runner to Washington D.C., after about 7 months the message was received (the runner had accidentally gone to the state of Washington first). The United States government accepted the Mexican surrender and in accordance with tradition, began paying reparations to Mexico so they could rebuild their economy.

Pablo was happy. He was happy that Mexican economy flourished despite the fact that there were only six adult males left in Mexico. He was happy that the condors had been driven off by surface to air missile sites provided by Americans. He was happy that thanks to the American government, Mexico now had six computers. In short, he was happy at the successful failure of the war. If they had successfully defeated the US, it would not have done their economy any good, as both nations would most likely be wastelands. His grand scheme had been successful. Dinky had been executed for his crimes and everyone was happy, except for the patrons of Taco Bell.

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