To Cross That Line, part 3/3

By Sarabeth

(Last Disclaimer: The poetry is Byron's.)

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Linnea did recover, but she never regained the weight she’d lost and was never half as strong as she had been. Now most of her day was spent in bed reading. Somehow or another, she always found the energy to eat dinner at Tibby’s with the guys. Then she and Specs would go to Central Park and sit and watch the sun set. Then about a month later, she suddenly started selling papes with the guys all day. She denied ever being tired and Specs convinced himself she was looking better. Actually, Linnea had realized that the line in her dreams was getting closer every night and she didn’t want to spend the last part of her life in bed. So she fought the pain, she fought the fatigue, and most of all, she passed off the coughing and the specks of blood on her handkerchief as normal.

One evening Specs and Linnea were sitting on the roof as the sun set and Specs looked at her. The eyes that had first caught his attention seemed bigger now, and older. But they were still beautiful…and still so full of life. She was still very thin, but she was eating which he took to be a good sign. In fact, Specs thought she was doing rather well. He’d even allowed himself to hope now and again that she wasn’t really dying.

Linnea, however, knew otherwise. She didn’t sleep much anymore because she was always coughing. What little food she did eat usually ended up getting thrown up that night during a particularly violent coughing attack. And everything…absolutely everything…hurt. When she was alone she would give in to the pain and let it wash over her in waves so strong she sometimes nearly passed out. She covered it well whenever she was around any of the newsies, especially Specs. The only one who knew what she was going through was Crutchy. She felt Specs’ gaze on her and wiggled to get closer to him.

“Lin?”

“Yeah?”

“I just want ya ta know dat what you said about da shadow…it makes sense. And…whereva you are, I want ya ta know dat I’se gonna be right dere wit’ ya…just like you’se gonna be wit’ me.”

It was her turn to kiss him. Then they got up and were about to climb down the fire escape when he took her hand and kissed it like he had done every night when they used to go out before…it seemed like so long ago. Linnea’s eyes teared up…funny how such an innocent gesture meant so much more now. She smiled and led the way down the fire escape.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Linnea woke up slowly. She’d had the dream again, only this time there had been no line in front of her. There was only her mother with open arms. Linnea had run to her and her mother had spun her around in a hug and that was when Linnea saw the line. Behind her. She turned to her mother and her mother spoke to her.

“It’s all right hon…you’re with me now. Won’t we have fun again?”

“But…mama…what about Specs? And Annalesa and the other newsies? I forgot to tell them goodbye!”

“They mean a lot to you, don’t they?”

Linnea could only nod.

“Go say goodbye. I’m in no hurry. But come back to me tonight…promise?”

Linnea smiled. “Promise. I love you Mom.”

“And I love you.”

Then she woke up. She wasn’t surprised, not really. She’d been expecting this for a long time and it was almost relieving to know that it was finally going to be over. But Specs…she climbed out of bed and noticed how shaky her legs were. She got dressed and ran a brush through her hair, then went into the bunkroom. It was still dark outside, but she wanted to see the sunrise. She tiptoed over to Specs’ bunk and gently shook him awake.

“Specs…wake up…hey Specs…”

He rolled over and when he realized who was shaking him he was instantly awake.

“Lin are you ok? Are you sick?” In the pale pre-dawn light she looked almost translucent…her skin seemed to be lit from within with a pale light and her eyes seemed to glow on their own.

“No. Come on…I want to see the sunrise.”

Specs wordlessly got out of bed and pulled on his pants. Grabbing his blanket to guard them against the cool air he took her hand and led her out the window and up onto the roof. They settled down against one of the chimneys and Specs wrapped the blanket around them. Linnea snuggled into his side and they watched as the sky turned from gray to pink and then was suddenly on fire with yellow and orange and red. She looked up at him.

“Specs?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“An’ I love you.” He bent down and kissed her then, his lips warm and soft on hers. When they broke apart the sun was all the way up and he noticed that she looked even paler than she usually did. She choked back a cough and his face instantly registered his concern.

“Come on…I t’ink you’se betta go inside.” He moved to disentangle them from the blanket but she put out a hand to stop him.

“No. Please…I’ll be ok.”

So they sat there watching the city below them come to life until they heard the other newsies moving around inside. Then they went in to get ready for the day. When Linnea had gone back into her room, Specs stood looking after her with a deeply concerned look on his face. Jack came up and put a hand on Specs’ shoulder.

“She ok?”

“I don’t know Jack…” his voice cracked as he tried not to let the tears go. “She keeps gettin’ paler an’ taday she woke me up ta see da sunrise…she’s gotten so thin…”

Jack looked at his friend sympathetically. Everyone knew that Shadow was dying…the fact was that Specs was making a huge understatement. Shadow now seemed to be just that…a small shadow that clung to Specs.

“I’m sure sorry Specs.” Jack couldn’t think of anything else to say so he gave Specs a friendly slap on the shoulder and walked off. Specs just stood there. Then he went to his bunk and pulled out the worn book of poetry he’d read to her during that week when he’d been sure she was going to die without waking up. He choked back tears for the third time that day. He put on his hat and went to wait for Linnea. She came out of her room ready to sell papers.

“You ready?” she asked.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” He put his arm around her waist and they walked to the distribution alley. The whole day Linnea laughed and joked with the other newsies as she sold her papes, but she was never more than a step away from Specs. She was only gone for lunch, when she said she had an errand to run. All day she had hidden the fact that her legs and hands were shaking and that she’d been coughing up blood. She’d turn away from everyone when a coughing attack hit her and just smile when they inquired if she was ok. But around three o’clock her head began swimming and dots floated in front of her eyes. She grabbed Specs’ arm weakly and managed to say

“Specs…help.” Then she collapsed and the next thing she knew she woke up to the sound of voices whispering somewhere near her feet. She realized that she was in her own bed and when she opened her eyes she saw Specs, Jack, and Kloppman talking to the doctor by the door. She could barely hear them but picked out the words “probably tonight” and “nothing I can do”. Suddenly she was afraid. She wanted to reach out to Specs but he seemed so far away...then the darkness tried to take over her again and she screamed…but it caught somewhere in her throat and instead came out a whisper.

“Specs…please!” She felt the tears streaming down her face and suddenly he was there and she was in his arms. He stroked the back of her head and murmured reassurances in her ear. Then she was coughing and he handed her a handkerchief and when she was finished and dizzy from the effort the white cloth was stained red.

Specs felt like someone had reached into his heart and begun to rip it apart one fiber at a time. All he wanted to do was cry until the pain subsided but once he saw the fear in Linnea’s eyes he knew he couldn’t. Not in front of her. So instead he devoted all the pain to love for her until he loved her so much that even that began to hurt.

“Specs…read to me.” her voice was hoarse from the cough but still she managed to smile for him. He nodded.

“Shoa.” He reached for the book beside her bed but there was a light tap at the door. He looked to her for permission and she nodded. He went to the door and after a brief conversation with Jack he went back to Linnea. He stroked her forehead and said

“Hey Lin…the guys, dey want ta come and say…well dey wanted ta talk ta ya and…”

“Specs…” she interrupted, “I know. I want to say goodbye to them too.”

He nodded, afraid that if he tried to speak the tears would break through. He nodded to Jack and one by one the newsies came in and said a few words to Linnea until the only ones left were Spot, Jack, Annalesa, and Crutchy. Spot came in and took his hat off, a rare gesture.

“Shadow…you’se da bravest goil I’se eva known. Take it easy kid.” The tears in his eyes spilled onto his cheeks as he walked out of the room. Linnea had been trying to say something to each of the newsies, but she was so tired…so very tired…so now she simply smiled and hoped they understood how much she cared for them. Jack and Annalesa came in next. Jack’s arm was around Annalesa and it was obvious that she had been crying.

“Shadow I ain’t good at good-bye’s…but you’se a great newsie and I’m proud a ya.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead, then moved back so Annalesa could talk to her.

“Shadow…Lin…I…” Annalesa couldn’t say anything through her tears and so just hugged Linnea for what seemed to both of them like and eternity and one single second at the same time. When they broke apart, each girl’s face was bright with tears. Linnea reached for Annalesa’s hand and gave it a feeble squeeze.

“G’bye Anna. And thank you.” Annalesa had to strain to hear the words but nodded.

“Goodbye Lin.” She and Jack walked out together and then Crutchy came in. Linnea smiled weakly. As Specs had said, you couldn’t help but smile when you were around Crutchy.

“Heya Shadow.” He grinned his characteristic grin but in his eyes was a sad look than Linnea had not seen before. “T’anks a lot for showin me what was what…I ain’t neva gonna forget ya. I’se gonna miss havin’ anudder crip around though.” He looked like he was about to say something else, but then shook his head and said “G’bye Linnea.” He was almost out the door when he turned back around and pulled a card out of his pocket. He held it up and she could see it was the Queen of Hearts.

“Race asked me ta give dis ta ya. He said ya desoive it.” He left it on the foot of the bed and walked out. Linnea couldn’t hold it in anymore and let the sobs course through her body. Specs was there holding her and still he forced his tears to stay hidden.

“Specs…I don’t want to…and I’m scared…”

“Shh…just t’ink a yer ma. She’s waitin for ya. And it ain’t foreva…you’se gonna be wit’ me every time da sun shines.” He tried to smile, gave up, and paused. “Want me ta read ta ya now?”

She nodded. Specs closed the door and picked up the book. He took a deep breath. Just get through it…she needs ya now. He opened the book to her favorite poem and began to read. His accent gave the words a familiar quality, and Linnea’s fears disappeared in the sound of his voice.

“She walks in beauty, like da night Of cloudless climes an’ starry skies; An’ all dat’s best of dark an’ bright Meet in her aspect an’ her eyes: Thus mellowed to dat tenda light Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade da more, one ray da less, Had half impaired da nameless grace Which waves in ev’ry raven tress, Or softly lightens o’er her face; Where thoughts serenely sweet express How pure, how dear deir dwellin’ place.

An’ on dat cheek, an’ o’er dat brow, So soft, so calm, yet eloquent, Da smiles dat win, da tints dat glow, But tell of days in goodness spent, A mind at peace wit’ all below, A heart whose love is innocent!”

“Specs…” she was interrupted by a cough. “Specs…I love you.”

“I love ya too…ah Linnea…Lin…I love ya so much.” He set the book back down and leaned down to kiss her forehead. Then an attack of coughing hit her and she nearly choked on the amount of blood she was coughing up. Specs gently wiped her face clean when she was finished and noticed how luminescent her skin looked...suddenly a vision of her as an angel entered his head and he fought it. No! Not yet! She’s not gonna die tanight! Her eyes fluttered open and she whispered

“Love you.” She sighed quietly. Then before he could reply he saw that her lips were curved in a small smile and she wasn’t breathing.

“Lin! Lin! No Lin…please don’t do dis…not now…oh God…Lin…Lin I love ya.” Then he cried. He cried until he thought there was no way any more tears could exist anywhere in the world. Even then, though he didn’t cry anymore, the pain in his heart multiplied a thousandfold every second. He stroked her forehead and noticed how peaceful she looked. There were no longer any lines in her forehead from the constant pain and her mouth was no longer tense. He realized that he should tell the other newsies and slowly rose from his position beside the bed. Then he realized he was still holding her hand. He gently kissed the back of it and placed it carefully across her stomach.

“Goodnight Lin. I love ya.”

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~ Epilogue ~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

The funeral had been that morning and Specs was sitting on the roof thinking. It really had been beautiful. But to him the ceremony of it all seemed remote and not attached to Linnea at all. He fingered the worn book in his hands. This was Lin. The memories were Lin. He opened the book and flipped through it. The page landed on a poem he’d never read to her. He read it now to himself, her voice speaking softly in his head.

“And thou art dead, as young and fair As aught of mortal birth; And form so soft, and charms so rare, Too soon return’d to Earth! Though Earth receiv’d them in her bed, And o’er the spot the crowd may tread In carelessness or mirth, There is an eye which could not brook A moment on that grave to look.

I will not ask where thou liest low, Nor gaze upon the spot; There flowers or weeds at will may grow, So I behold them not: It is enough for me to prove That what I lov’d, and long must love, Like common earth can rot; To me there needs no stone to tell, ‘Tis Nothing that I lov’d so well.

Yet did I love thee to the last As fervently as thou, Who didst not change through all the past, And canst not alter now. The love where Death has set his seal, Nor age can chill, nor rival seal, Nor falsehood disavow: And, what were worse, thou canst not see Or wrong, or change, or fault in me.

The better days of life were ours; The worst can be but mine: The sun that cheers, the storm that lowers, Shall never more be thine. The silence of that dreamless sleep I envy now too much to weep; Nor need I to repine That all those charms have pass’d away, I might have watch’d through long decay.

The flower in ripen’d bloom unmatch’d Must fall the earliest prey; Though by no hand untimely snatch’d, The leaves must drop away: And yet it were a greater grief To watch it withering, leaf by leaf, Than see it pluck’d to-day; Since earthly eye but ill can bear To trace the change to foul from fair.

I know not if I could have borne To see thy beauties fade; The night that follow’d such a morn Had worn a deeper shade: They day without a cloud hath pass’d, And thou wert lovely to the last, Extinguish’d, not decay’d; As stars that shoot along the sky Shine brightest as they fall from high.

As once I wept, if I could weep, My tears might well be shed, To think I was not near to keep One vigil o’er thy bed; To gaze, how fondly! on thy face, To fold thee in a faint embrace, Uphold thy drooping head; And show that love, however vain, Nor thou or I can feel again.

Yet how much less it were to gain, Though thou hast left me free, The loveliest things that still remain, Than thus remember thee! The all of thine that cannot die Through dark and dread Eternity Returns again to me, And more thy buried love endears Than aught except its living years.”

He hung his head and felt the tears begin again but quickly wiped them away when he heard someone behind him. He turned to see Jack holding a box out to him.

“Dis came for ya. Ya doin’ ok?”

“Yeah…I just t’ink I’ll sit here a liddle longer.”

“Ok. See ya inside.” Jack handed the box to Specs and went inside. Specs opened the box curiously and saw that it was from a jeweler’s shop. He opened the lid and found a small velvet box inside. But there was also a note. He opened it and saw unfamiliar handwriting. But it became quite familiar as he read.

My dear Specs, I always have and will love you- Please take this to remember me by. Always, Linnea

Specs opened the velvet box and to his surprise saw Linnea’s locket. He picked it up and gently held it, remembering that first day…out of instinct he opened it and saw a different picture. No longer was the picture one of Linnea’s mother…now it was a picture of Linnea. Those same eyes gazed out at him and his heart broke once more. Then he noticed writing on the other side. The fancy script was a little difficult to read but when he saw the inscription he smiled and looked back out at the setting sun. His shadow stretched out long behind him and the last golden rays of sun warmed him as he fastened the locket to his watch chain. He went inside then, the light glinting off of the locket that was now closed and held the inscription

For as long as the sun still shines I am with you like a shadow. Until the light fades, Linnea

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