The Squirrel Insurrection

By Evan

“The squirrels are plotting to overthrow us! The squirrels are going to take over!” I shouted as I was dragged off to the Happy Valley Institute for the Insane, the Depressed, and Politicians.

I hadn’t actually expected that anyone would believe me but still, they had no right to lock me up for speaking the truth. Oh and it was true. I was the only one who knew but my constitutional rights of free speech were violated. Unfortunately all the members of the Supreme Court were killed before I could make my case.

I had learned of the plot, while deciphering their language during my free time. It consists only of movements and chattering, but is actually more informative than human speech could ever hope to be. At any rate, by observing squirrels for ten years, I began to learn their language. I was filled with horror when I discovered that the majority of squirrel communication involved plans for staging a simultaneous coup d’etat all over the world (except Antarctica, which by a treaty would be left to the penguins) and gain control of all human government. I also found out that a squirrel whose name’s nearest English equivalent was Nigel had carefully planned my learning their language. His mission in the planned squirrel insurrection was to deliver the terms of humanity’s surrender. His major problem was that squirrels do not have a sophisticated enough larynx to communicate in our language, so he subtly taught me his language. He did not care that I knew all about the invasion because no one would possibly believe me. Unfortunately he was correct.

At 9:00 p.m. EST squirrels all over the world rose up and severed the jugulars of key people. With the deaths of all elected officials and high-ranking military officers, the world was thrown into chaos. The squirrels then seized control of all the world’s major nuclear arsenals.

The squirrels then broke me out of The Happy Valley and had me issue their surrender demands from the main CBS offices in New York. The first declaration was that henceforth, all guns were banned from human possession. Violators would have their jugular severed by the flying squirrel police corps. The output of the Planters factory would be given entirely to the squirrels as tribute. Taxes would be collected to keep the Planters factory in business. No more trees will be cut down as they are reserved as housing for squirrels. Chemical dumping, into the air or water, was banned on pain of death. All nuclear weapons would remain under squirrel control, in the event that the humans stage a full-scale revolt. The final statement was a concession, allowing cities to have limited autonomy, under the supervision of squirrels. In the aftermath of the demands, several more people got their jugulars severed because they continued to disbelieve what I was saying. After the initial deaths, the world actually became a reasonably happy place. In my opinion, the squirrels actually run the government better than the elected officials, ever did. By the way did I mention that the squirrels have learned how to read English? Etslay etgay idray foay hetay upidstay uirrelsquays. (Igpay Atinlay)

Written by Paul Lop, human liaison to Nigel, commissioner of the Squirrel Ministry of Propaganda.

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