The Paper-cut Killer

By Evan

A menace to the whole world sits calmly in a mall while he ponders who his next victim would be. He is a hunter, but unlike the majority of humans, who hunt only non-humans and have all sorts of regulations about how to do it. He is one of the few people who for some reason, psychological or biochemical can not find any reason not to do things that suddenly pop into his head to do. For the most part he led a reasonably normal yet uninhibited life, until he got the idea that it would be really fun to kill people with a piece of paper. If someone saw him, they would think no more of him than of any other stranger, until he attacked them, or they noticed that he had a scabbard with a piece of paper in it.

As he sits in the mall trying to find the appropriate victim, he decides to kill the first person he finds who wears Velcro shoes. However, after waiting a while he gives up on this idea and decides to probe the crevices of the furniture. He finds three packs of pokemon cards, a bag of pretzels, a peppermint wrapper and a lot of lint.

After doing this, he decides to kill the clerk in Victoria’s secret because women have too many types of underwear. He goes in and is about to begin attacking her with a piece of paper when he smells the odor of the room and decides to leave. He leaves and sits back down.

He continues observing passerby and notices that the majority of the people are women, the largest minority was men and the smallest group were children. He decides to go to the bathroom and notices a guy using the urinal. The guy (his name is Gary Weill) finishes his business in front of the urinal and begins to leave. He does not make an attempt to wash his hands. The Paper-cut Killer sees this and decides to kill him so that his germs don’t spread, as well as personal amusement. The Paper-cut Killer jumps behind Gary and throws him to the ground. He unsheathes his eight-point five by eleven-inch weapon and begins slicing his hapless victim in various places. After Gary has bled to death, The Paper-cut Killer shoves his body headfirst into the toilet and ties his shoelaces to the coat rack on the door to the stall. The Paper-cut Killer then goes to another stall and whiles away the time contemplating the murder on the John.

After nature’s call has disconnected, he again resumes wandering the mall. He makes his mind up that he will kill one more person and then head on home to eat dinner and watch his videos of Barney and Friends. As he walks along he bumps into the perfect victim.

"Watch where you are going, Mr. Stupidhead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The soon to be deceased man shouts. The Paper-cut Killer unsheathes his paper and immediately slits the guy’s wrists and abdomen open. After a few minutes, some people in the throng notice that he has killed a man and get a store clerk to call security and the police. "Drop the letter-sized paper!" The guard orders The Paper-cut Killer. The Paper-cut Killer, not being able to perceive reasons why he should not drop the paper, drops it. The guard handcuffs him and the police come to read him his rights. He ends up being sent to an asylum, since he is too deranged for a prison. He lives out the rest of his life alone in the asylum, with only his origami for company.

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