It was horribly cold.
I looked for a jacket. However, having lived in San Diego since 1999, it became clear that one was not owned by me. Before we lived in Iceland, Keflavik to be exact. All that could be found in this extremis was a sweater made from Icelandic Wool. It was horrible. Near the end part of my morning travels, a man in a full kit, complete with booties appeared. I laughed. I laughed so hard that others noticed and begun to laugh as well. He was angrily embarrassed. So he threatened violence. A man, tall as I, who has probably never had an adult level carbohydrate loaded beverage in his life, nor anything else that has transfat, fat, or even pretend fat, threatening me, caused me to laugh harder. Children were laughing so hard they wet themselves, making him feel all the more absurd.
He then demonstrated superior flexibility by kicking high over my head. To this moment, I am not sure what was more scary: the fact he could kick so well, or the fact his package was so oddly displayed in close proximity to me coupled with anger. Either way, it was apparent that this situation called for fast thinking. I began to rub my arms on my sides. I did so in so fast a manner that I nearly took flight. Static electricity began to build up such that it nearly stopped my watch. Friction began to cause me to warm to the point of combustion. When about 30 second passed, I reached out to touch his ear. With a sound akin to thunder and lightening; an blue arc reached from me to him. He fell to the ground, twitching and foaming at the mouth. I urinated on his derailleur in front of the gathered crowd. They stood in awe of the contest of wills that had occurred. Women threw flowers and men chanted "no spandex, no spandex".
But true power corrupts, so I gave the sweater to a homeless man that looked like either Jim Morrison or Elvis. Then, I rode on to my destination. When I arrived, several people laughed at me because my nipples were so erect that they had cut through my shirt. So there I was, with icicles hanging from my nipples that protruded through my shirt, with a wet spot on my crotch (in the excitement, I forgot to shake), being laughed at.
It was a horrible day.
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