Perfection in Joe

By Sam Marston

“I’m attacking you with two eight-eight unblockable creatures, which brings you to negative four life” I announced with glee. My opponent was smashed, and I had won yet another schoolyard game of Magic: The Gathering. I was a Magic champ, a Dungeons and Dragons fanatic, and I could recount to you the tiniest detail from any of the Star Trek movies. I was the king of the outcasts; almost every nerd and dweeb on campus wanted to be me. I however, wanted to be Joe Pitcher.

I looked up from my over priced and heavily marketed playing cards, and saw Joe walking to the cafeteria, with a beautiful girl on each arm. He had a chiseled and tough look, while still appearing warm and sensitive (two characteristics I had at one time believed to be contradictory). He wore a long ago planned outfit, making him appear even more dashing. This matching outfit infuriated me. I knew he only wore it to impress upon others his perfection.

I got in line for lunch behind him and his two female companions. Joe turned his head to me and offered a simple “Hi Sam, nice to see you”. In the back of my head, my grizzled view of Joe grew. I knew his game, be nice to the nerd and appear to be a great guy. I, on the other hand, saw him for who he truly was; a perfect preppy social go-getter who ate nerds like me for breakfast. At the lunch table, he offered a joke or two to his female companions, who twirled their fingers in his hair. Not only was he popular, but he was funny too? How dare he be better than me, how dare he be perfect?

I stormed out of the cafeteria and made my way to sixth period. On the wall of the classroom, a bulletin board announced that Joe had struck out 18 batters in last night’s baseball game against Woodlawn. My blood boiled… Joe Pitcher was too perfect, and I hated him for it. Strong, smart, fast, athletic, popular and well dressed (as if clever t-shirts and Bermuda shorts weren’t enough) Joe Pitcher was flawless in every way.

I went home that night. I was too distracted for my regular session of anime and Nintendo games. I spent a long time thinking about the unbreakable Joe Pitcher, I tried to find a flaw, (other than his inherent evil, which was obviously there) and I failed. Too nice, Too athletic, Too popular, I couldn’t put a negative spin on him, no matter how hard I tried.

The next day before school, Joe Pitcher approached me. He explained that he was an Eagle Scout in his troop, and how his troop often plays Magic. Joe asked if he could play with me. I accepted his challenge.

Within a few minutes, our card game was all over. I had beaten Joe with my deadly Voltaic Key and Phyrexian Processor combo. Joe picked up his cards, shook my hand and asked, “Play you again tomorrow?” Maybe Joe wasn’t so perfect, I think I like him.

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