Niggly Bop and the Quest for Toilet Paper Part 1

By Evan

The Icpoto lived relatively happy peaceful lives. Nothing disturbed their peaceful agrarian society except for occasional attacks by the vampire bunny rabbits that lived in the nearby forest. Nothing that is until Niggly Bop got bored with being chief milker at the village cat farm. His boredom was fairly justified as all he did all day was milk cats. This provided calcium for everyone but left six of his eight tentacles with nothing to do, because they were not long enough for him to milk more than one cat at a time. Aside from farming and fishing there was not much to do around his town, which had no name by virtue of the fact that very rarely did anyone leave. He considered joining the vampire bunny border patrol but realized that for the most part that job was even duller than his was. The vampire bunny rabbits normally preyed only upon those who traveled in the forest at night which only consisted of cat capturing expeditions. However, with more and more cats being born in captivity, the bunnies had begun to forage for sustenance more outside their traditional boundaries, but were never caught. Usually victims were found the next day, all their bodily fluids drained from them.

But, back to the matter at hand, Niggly Bop's boredom was driving him crazy. He decided to quit the cat farm and go explore the world. Now this sort of thing was not generally allowed by their closed little society, so Niggly Bop was brought into the office of the village's toilet hog. The toilet hog had a very respected place in Icpoto society. He sat upon his throne and thought about the nature of life and was considered the leader of the village and the primary producer of fertilizer. The toilet hog at the time of Niggly Bop's desire for freedom was named Nymag. He was the most revered village toilet hog in ages as he was the only person known to have survived a vampire bunny rabbit attack.

"Niggly Bop, you do realize that your leaving your post as chief milker would disrupt the flow of cat milk to the populace?"

"Yes, I do but I'm tired of the monotony of my job. I just continuously squeeze the cats until the white stuff comes out into the bucket."

"Everyone else is happy with their jobs."

"But they're not me, I want to go out and see the world, maybe feel that I'm actually making a difference in the world."

"Wanderlust, eh? I've got to look up the remedy for that."

He takes out a huge book which contains the writings of all the previous toilet hogs since Grunthos the Great, the first toilet hog. He thumbed through it and found the entry on wanderlust.

"Ahh, according to past precedent, I should beat you over the head with a large fish until you change your mind. Unfortunately fishing has not been particularly good of late so we cannot spare a fish to whack you over the head with. Well I can't make you continue milking if you don't want to do it, so I guess I have to find something for you to do. Let me think, I've got it, legend has it of a substance known as toilet paper. You must go find the toilet paper, and thereby solve my horrible diaper rash problem. That will allow you to wander but actually gives some degree of purpose to your wanderings. You will be provided with a pilp and some provisions and you will not be allowed back into town until you find the toilet paper. Unless you've changed your mind and want to go back to working the cat farm?"

"No, anything but that!!!! I'd rather risk walking through the vampire bunny infested forest than stay here and keep milking cats!!!!"

"Okay then, off with you now. Have fun!"

As the toilet hog had said Niggly Bop was provided with a pilp and some food, which consisted mostly of cheese made from cat's milk. The pilp was the greatest piece of weaponry that the peaceful Icpoto had. It resembled nothing so much as a giant cotton swab. The Icpoto had no idea that their weapon did not work very well since they had never gotten the opportunity to use it.

Niggly Bop set off into the forest all alone. He had little difficulty during the day but knew that during the night he must find shelter to avoid being attacked by the myriad of creatures inhabiting the forest. As if the vampire bunny rabbits were not enough, he also had to worry about parasitic hamsters that could latch onto him and slowly eat his flesh. As night fell he found a cave and hid inside. As he settled down to eat his cat cheese, he heard a high squeaky voice.

"Hello Icpoto. What are you doing in the forest this late at night?"

Niggly Bop lit a torch with some flint and steel he had brought with him and stared at the horrid sight. It was a vile, depraved, cute and cuddly, vampire rabbit!!!!!!!

"Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!" Niggly Bop yelled. All of his tentacles quivered in fright.

"Don't be afraid. I've already had my dinner for tonight."

"But you are an evil vicious blood sucking bunny!!!!"

"And I bet fish say the same sorts of things about you as you harvest and eat their kind. We must suck blood to live. Do you think our very existence makes us evil? If you do then you are evil as well."

"Uhh, I never really thought about it that way. Uhhh......"

"You've never had much cause to think have you? I really like your people. Well of course I do since they're very tasty. Other than the general good flavor though, I find your people fascinating because most of you go about your jobs mindlessly which is so different from my own race. We philosophize and think about whatever we do. Well actually we don't think too much about feeding on your succulent blood but everything else involves a good deal of reflection. Oh I've gotten off track again. What intrigues me is what you are doing in the forest at night. You do not seem to be equipped for cat taming and most of your kind aren't curious enough to want to risk having their blood drained."

"I got bored with milking cats and decided to travel," responded Niggly Bop, rather nervously due to the presence of the bunny rabbit and the continuous references to the flavor of blood. He decided to go ahead and eat the rest of his cheese so that if he died he would at least die on a full stomach.

"And your people actually let you do that? If I remember correctly, about 500 years ago a guy tried to explore and they hit him over the head with a fish until he changed his mind."

"Fishing has been rather poor of late, so they let me go to find toilet paper. Do you have any clue where it might be?"

"Ahh so that explains it. Most likely they expected you to get killed pretty close to home and then find your corpse to discourage others who might want to leave. If you succeed however, the toilet hog would have toilet paper and would be happy. Its a win win situation for Nymag."

"How do you know Nymag?"

"I bit him, his blood didn't taste very good so I let him go. Plus I sometimes wander around the outskirts of your village and watch the goings on. As for your quest, I know nothing about where toilet paper might be found. You certainly won't find any in the forest."

"Umm thanks for the help, I'll be on my way now," Niggly Bop said as he prepared to leave.

"Wait watch your step!" the vampire bunny rabbit said as Niggly Bop stuck one foot into a pit filled with peanut butter.

"Oh now you've got your feet all over my peanut butter! Now I have to wait another day before putting up my wallpaper!!!!!!!!!" "I'm sorry."

"Oh its okay I guess, I don't really see why I need wallpaper in my cave but my wife insists that its necessary to make the cave look homey. Well you had better get going, she is going to be mad when she finds out I can't do the wallpapering tonight, and she might relish having you as a snack, what with your rich, flavorful, juicy, succulent blood. Ooh I'm getting kind of hungry now."

"Bye," Niggly Bop said as he ran out the entrance to the cave after pulling his foot out of the peanut butter pit.

Niggly Bop decided that his best bet for survival would be to get out of the forest as quickly as he could. So he ran as rapidly as he could through the forest, which wasn't all that quick as milking cats all day does not build up running ability or stamina. Just as he arrived at the edge of the forest, he tripped over something. He barely managed to prevent from landing on his face by catching himself on his two uppermost tentacles.

"Ouch!" Yelled the horribly ugly and malformed creature which Niggly Bop had tripped over.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trip on you...."

Niggly Bop looked at the creature and grimaced at the repulsive sight that greated him. The creature had only two arms rather than eight tentacles and the arms protruded from the torso rather than the head which was very small compared to the three foot long head of an Icpoto. The creatures eyes were also an usual blue color and were also very tiny. The most horrifying thing about the creature though was the strange keratinous substance growing out of its head.

"Oh that's alright, it didn't really hurt that much. Ackkkk!!!! What on earth are you!!! Stay calm, stay calm, if I get to nervous I start thinking aloud, which probably isn't a good idea when confronted with a strange tentacled monster carrying a giant cotton swab! That is one strange thing. Maybe if I look away it will disappear. Yes that's it I must be dreaming, I'll pinch myself. Oww!!! Okay I'm not dreaming. Ahhh!!!!!!!" He exclaimed almost working himself into a seizure with his nervousness.

"Hi," Niggly Bop uttered in response.

The strange creature was beginning to compose himself now as he realized that he had been panicking and completely helpless and Niggly Bop had not attempted to harm him. He decided to try out his sales pitch on the creature, figuring that something unknown and harmless would actually be interested in his wares. He had been outcast by his own people when he sold them all fertilizer that turned out to be from the public outhouse. His people had something of a taboo against using their own excrement as fertilizer. They had cast him out of their city and lit his underwear on fire. Luckily, he had managed to stop drop and roll before the flames from his undies hurt him too badly. He had run into the forest and tripped and knocked himself unconscious on a rutebaga that just happened to be lying on the ground.

"Hello my good man, woman or thingy! Would you be interested in buying..."

"What's buying? Does it taste good? I'm pretty hungry, I ate all my cat cheese a while ago and I don't have any food."

"Do you mean to say that you have no understanding of commerce?"

"I have no clue what it is."

"How can that be possible? You wear clothing so you are not an inhabitant of the forest I would think, although I'd never seen anything in the forest until today. Where did you get your shirt and rubber pants?"

"My shirt was made from cat fur by the town tailor and my pants I made myself because I like the way cat intestinal lining feels on my legs."

The man took a big step away from Niggly Bop.

"But what compensation did you give the tailor for his making your shirt?"

"No compensation whatsoever. I just picked the shirt out of the big storage room in the village. Everyone puts the results of their work into the room and people take out what they need."

"But how can that work? Wouldn't everyone try to take advantage of the system?"

"Oh no that would cause problems for everyone as some people would have shortages and others surplus. Besides what could be gained by taking more than one needed."

"Well its time to show you the ways of the more civilized world, my good, my good, uhh what's your name?

"Niggly Bop. What's yours?"

"Well my name's Alloysius but people don't usually call me that."

"What do they call you?"

"I'm not inclined to use that sort of language in polite company my good Niggly Bop."

"Oh."

"At any rate, I suppose I could barter with you. Would you trade your smelly giant cotton swab for my fabulous wonderful magical kazoo?"

"What does your kazoo do?"

"What does it do? It makes people like you, yeah that's the ticket.... wherever you go play this kazoo and all those around you will be overjoyed at your prescence."

"That sounds good. It would be much better if people simply didn't make trouble rather than my having to use the pilp in my defence. One question though, I have no lips and my beak might not work to play the marvelous kazoo."

"Well it can't hurt to try." Aloysius said and handed Niggly Bop the kazoo.

Niggly Bop began humming into the instrument, which produced the most hideous cacophony ever heard (somewhat like the sound of a thousand constipated howler monkeys).

"Oh you are such a wonderful entity Niggly Bop. I'm glad I got to know you."

Niggly Bop stopped playing the kazoo.

"Well you see. It does work! I like you a lot."

The Icpoto do not practice duplicity so Niggly Bop had no idea that Aloysius was lying to him so he exchanged his pilp for the "magical kazoo."

"Do you know anything about the whereabouts of the legendary toilet paper?"

"What can you give me for any info I have?"

Niggly Bop was getting rather tired of Aloysius's greed and also had nothing to give so he said, "My quest for toilet paper is the justification for my wandering, if you don't tell me what you know I will tickle you until you tell me."

"I've heard of toilet paper but my people don't use it. We catch live geese and wipe ourselves on them."

Distraught by still not having found any clues to the location of toilet paper, Niggly Bop set off once more away from the forest. Aloysius sauntered off in a different direction with Niggly Bop's pilp in tow.

As dawn cracked across the land,Niggly Bop had located a town. It was a rather large town, at least compared to his own. The population was around 2000 people and they were all of the same strange species as Aloysius. All of the people around were staring at him as if he were the oddly shaped creature and not they. Niggly Bop kept looking around town hoping to perhaps find someone who might be able to help him on his quest. As he did so a cross-eyed human came running towards him and did not seem to notice Niggly Bop's presents. The man ran rather like a penguin. He did not bend his knees at all and yet seemed to be able to move at a fairly high speed. He showed no signs of slowing and Niggly Bop was distracted as a passing bird had just chosen to answer natures call in such a manner that the results landed on Niggly Bop's head. He stopped and looked up to see what had fallen on him, and the strange man collided with him.

"Ouchy!" The man said

"Whoa can't you look where you are going?"

"Huh?"

"Okay I guess not."

The man handed Niggly Bop a piece of paper. Niggly Bop had not read anything since cat-milking school so his reading was a bit rusty.

"I... am.... the village.... idiot... I have no awareness whatsoever of what goes on around me... Please feel free to give me food.... This note brought to you by the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Idiots."

Niggly Bop decided to go ahead and ask if the idiot knew anything about the whereabouts of toilet paper.

"Excuse me Mr. Idiot but do you know where I can find toilet paper?"

"Toiwet Paper? Uh huh!!!!!!"

"You do?"

"Uh huh!"

The Idiot spun around a few times (narrowly missing whacking Niggly Bop over the head) and then pointed to a large mountain to the south-east.

"Well I'm going to go find some food before I go there. Do you know where there is food?"

"Uh huh!" The Idiot said and ran off with Niggly Bop close behind him.

Shortly thereafter they arrived at a tavern, but instead of entering through the main entrance they went in a small side door. As they entered a tall greasy man greeted them.

"Hello Fred! Whoa what on earth do you have there? That's the weirdest thing you've brought in here since that sculpture of a herring made entirely out of cabbage."

"I am not a thing thank you very much!"

"Oh well hello then! I guess you've befriended Fred. Poor guy, I tied his shoelaces together when we were little as a practical joke. He got a very sharp rock embedded in his skull. He was never quite right in the head after that. Well if you want I'll let you have a meal and a place to stay for tonight since you're a friend of Fred's."

Niggly Bop and Fred the Idiot sat down at a small table in the corner of the main dining area of the tavern. Two fairly drunk men sat nearby.

"Larry, I must have drunk too much. That guy looks like he has tentacles," said one drunkard.

"It does have tentacles. Let's eat it!" Larry slurred with a considerable lisp on all of the s's.

Both the men got up and began to throttle Niggly Bop. Niggly Bop fought back to a degree by wacking them with his tentacles but was slowly losing his breath. Fred jumped to his feet a little bit belatedly perhaps but rammed his head into the two burly drunkards knocking them over. At this point the drunkard found they could not manage the strength to get back up and so went to sleep. The Barkeep came from the kitchen to see what the ruckus was.

"Not again! That's it these guys are banned from coming here, they keep getting drunk and trying to eat my customers!!!!!!!" With that he grabbed the two comatose men by their ears and dragged them out of the door and dumping them in the town's orgy pit (an orgy pit is where a hole in the ground where one dumps one's wastes)

Meanwhile, Niggly Bop and Fred the Idiot had gone on up to their room for the night.

"Well goodnight Fred, I really hope you do know where the toilet paper is. Its very important to me to find it."

"Is it really?" Asked Fred.

The question seemed unusually coherent compared to the slurred syllables that Fred had previously been uttering that Niggly Bop suddenly swung his humongous head around to look at Fred. Fred was sitting perfectly still upon his bed and his eyes were no longer crossed.

"Yes it is. How come your eyes aren't crossed anymore?"

"I'm not really as stupid as I act most of the time. Its just an act."

"But why?"

"I get to see what people are really like. People tend to not bother with putting up a facade to hide their thoughts and feelings with an idiot. I'm writing a book on human psychology. The whole accident was a fiction made up by myself and Al the tavernkeeper."

"But why reveal yourself to me?"

"You are something all together strange to me and quite different from my race."

"Well of course, you guys are seriously tentacle defficient and I can't see how you could see very well with your beady little eyes."

"No, I mean apart from the physical differences. Your people seem to be totally lacking in the what I call the dark aspects of human nature, deception, hatred, pride, and greed. Your naivete is absolutely astounding. In the past I had assumed that the darker emotions were neccessary for any sentient beings to form a society. In fact the only negative emotion that you seem to possess is fear of the unknown. Are you a normal example of your people?"

"Probably not, I am the only person to leave our village to explore the world ever and only the second to have wanted to do so in 500 years. I only got to do that as long as I embarked on a quest to find toilet paper for our toilet hog."

"Toilet hog?"

"He's basically the village head and fertilizer factory."

"Your society sounds fascinating. I've decided to come with you and follow you in your travels and hopefully be with you when you return to your village with toilet paper, I'll be able to stay and learn more about your society. What is your race called by the way?

"We are the Icpoto. How do you know of the location of the toilet paper? You indicated earlier that you knew its location."

"There is a man, a hermit who lives south east of town, who has a strange ability to see events happening far away. I've never fully understood it myself but I have verified some of it. I had always assumed him to be mad and all his stories hallucinations and delusions. Until I met you; one of his stories described perfectly your race. So in the morning we will go visit him because I do remember him telling a few stories about toilet paper, although why anybody would want to use a type of paper for this purpose when geese are so readily available is beyond me."

And with those words the conversation ended and they both drifted off to sleep.

To be continued...

PS its okay to publish this. Part two will be around eventually.

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