"With this knife I'll cut out the heart of me, the part that cares for you." (with this knife by smile empty soul) When I first heard this song I was depressed and kind of suicidal, so I didn't really understand the lyrics, but it talked about what seemed like at that moment death or suicide; so I liked it, I was only in eighth grade and I had already lost all hope in people, the world, and everything else. Since I was only in eighth grade, love seemed improbable, and to be quite subtle dumb. But as the year progressed I found myself in [what I guessed was] love, with one of my closest friends. It was like a fairy tale, even though I had quit believing in such stories long ago. I really was in love, all my friends noticed; yet I denied every second of it.
He was just a friend, so even if I did like him [which according to me, I didn't] he didn't like me back, but we flirted and by the way we acted around eachother many people thought we WERE dating. One of my other really close [guy]friends [no real names will be used so I'm going to use Jack to represent this guy] talked to the boy that I had felt so strongly about. When they concluded their conversation Jack walked over to where I was sitting, he told me that "this boy" liked me too and he would've asked me out already but, it was almost Christmas break, so we wouldn't get to "hang out" much. I got my hopes up because [unfortunately] I really liked this boy, but as it turned out...so did one my best friends.
She didn't know that I liked him, so when I was around her I acted like I didn't. She wanted me to talk to him for her, she said she wanted ME to because him and I were so close, and we always talked. So unbelieving that he would like her, and extremely reluctantly I talked to him...and lets just say I came out smiling and she did not. It would be a lie to say that I felt bad for her, I was happy if not I felt like the top of the world. The weekend came and we were IMing eachother. He asked me if I liked him more then just a simple friend. I got nervous, and didn't know what to say, so I didn't answer and logged off. I got back on just a little later that same day, and I was ready to tell him "Yes, I do, I love you," I had become convinced, with a little help of quiet thinking and friends. Fortunately he wasn't on, so I didn't have to embarrass myself, he wasn't there...but she was. She messaged me: "Hey guess what? I'm dating someone now!!" I felt adrenaline rush through my body more then once, HE DIDN'T, HE WOULDN'T!! He had, he asked her out right after I had logged off, after I figured out that I do love him, and for once my world slowed down, and my life didn't seem half bad, then he asked my best friend out!
My heart pounded faster and faster, then it slowed down so much, it felt like it just stopped completely; and for the first time in a long time, I cried. I cried long and loud, I told her congratulations and that I was really happy for them, but that I had to get off, because I was too "tired" I sent one more message...To Jack, I told him everything, mad at him for making me think that "this boy" had actually liked me, thinking that this whole thing had all been just a way to embarrass me. At the end I lied, I said I was very happy for them. To my satisfaction, and surprise; he threatened to...well I won't go into details but lets just say, he was really mad at him. But because both of them were my friends, I made him swear not to say anything, and then I got off.
So there I was 3A.M. the next morning, unable to breathe, unable to sleep, unable to dream. "I let myself fall into a lie, I let my walls come down. I let myself smile and come alive...you wrapped your arms around my heart and squeezed it full of pain" Now I understand those lyrics. "With this knife I'll cut out the heart of me, the heart that cares for you.
It's bad I know...but I wasn't doing anything, and it seems like this is what always happened at middle school. What do you think?
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