Bio-Tech

By Evan

"Welcome to the Clement Lab for Genetic Experimentation and Tinkering. I am your tour guide, Jack Lapin,” said the tall greasy man with a spoon sticking out of his ear, as we entered the laboratory on a Biology field trip.

I didn’t know why we were going to see all of this weird stuff but I thought it might be interesting to see what the results of humanity screwing with nature would be. David, another person in my class raised his hand.

“What is it?” Asked Jack.

“Why do you have a spoon in your ear?”

“Well I was one of the earliest experiments in genetic engineering here, and the inside of my ears became highly magnetic. The spoon in my ear is more or less stuck there for the rest of my life. If I applied sufficient force I could pull it out but unfortunately it would completely destroy my eardrum. Since then I’ve had to use plastic utensils and I can’t sit too close to the TV. But at any rate let’s go on with the tour.

“We are now entering the heart of the complex. This is where our experiments on people are conducted.”

This somewhat worries me because I think that experimentation on people is illegal and also morally wrong. I raise my hand.

“Yes?”

“Isn’t genetic experimentation on people wrong?”

“Certainly not, all of these people have consented and are being paid a lot of money. Even the fetus experiments are wholly within the bounds of the law.”

“You experiment on embryos?”

“I just said that. It is much easier to genetically alter a single celled zygote than to do so to a person. Ahh we have arrived at the observation area. This is where we watch the results of our tinkering. Feel free to look around and see the wonders of genetic engineering. I have to go to the bathroom. Behave while I’m gone.”

The room is filled with windows that look into small rooms each with one person in them; each of the windows has a sign indicating how their DNA has been mangled. There was a man who apparently had had some of his genes spliced with an electric eel, and could defibrillate people’s hearts just by touching them and turning on the electricity.

I looked in another one of the windows and noticed that there did not appear to be anyone in there but there was a sign that said, “Chameleon human hybrid.” After staring for a minute or so I managed to locate the eyes of a woman who blended in almost perfectly with the wall and the chair on which she sat. Other than the eyes I was completely incapable of seeing her at all. It was interesting and all but I could see no reason why a person would want to be camouflaged. Perhaps she just needed the money that is offered for being a lab rat.

The most intriguing of the subjects though were the only people who were sharing a room. A set of identical triplets, who appeared to be perfectly normal to me, except that they were fairly young compared with the other occupants of the center, maybe about ten, sat in a room much like the other rooms except it had three beds and three chairs instead of only one.

“Ah I see you’ve found the human popcorn machines,” Jack said, walking up behind me.

“Human popcorn machines?”

“Yes, Rob is plain, Rick is salted, and Ron is buttered.”

“Where does the popcorn come out? How do they make it?”

“They process their food and use it to feed a mutant form of corn that eats instead of photosynthesizing. It comes out of their anal cavity.”

“WHAT!!!!???”

“It comes out of their rectum. I don’t see why you are so surprised. Pop Secret has been using chimpanzees similar to Rob, Rick and Ron for years. They are simply the first humans to be genetically modified to produce popcorn. It’s much easier to experiment on people since they can give their consent. The only other animals we experiment on here are chimpanzees who can sign agreements and parrots who can give verbal consent which we record.”

“You experiment on people but not on animals?”

“Yes, the regulations about cruelty to animals are very strict, we must have actual permission to tinker with DNA. This is why the majority of animals have yet to be genetically engineered while plants and humans are being modified a lot. However, most of the genetically modified human population lives near the center right now so that we can keep them under observation when they reach the outside world. If you will excuse me, I have to go answer the questions of other people.”

I was glad to be rid of him and began to wonder if the spoon had caused some damage to his brain when it flew into his ear. I passed by more rooms filled with people with various genetically altered traits, people who farted air freshener, people who glowed in the dark, and goats who could eat through walls. I was surprised to find goats in the lab since Jack had said they very rarely experiment on animals. I read the little information card and it said that these “goats” had originally started out as humans but now looked like goats. They apparently had human brains and human larynxes but other than that everything was either genetically engineered or taken from goats. They had a highly powerful digestive tract that could eat through everything except for Teflon. Since they did not eat through the walls ever, the walls must have been composed of Teflon. I wondered what existence would be like to be a human trapped in the body of a goat. I could not see why anyone in his or her right mind would want to be a goat. Maybe they just couldn’t cope with the complex emotional and social issues of life as a human and thought that being a goat would be a simpler life. It then occurred to me that these people were probably genetically altered as fetuses and had no choice about being stuck into the body of a goat. This seems horribly wrong to me. They have no choice ahead of time about being a goat or not, but of course no being has a choice about what sort of physical form they occupy. Still, I don’t think that monkeying around with people’s DNA without their consent is a good idea.

Despite my feelings on the morality of genetic engineering I keep looking around and find some of these people fascinating. I’m fine with the tinkering if that’s what the people truly want for their lives. As I continue to look around I notice a locked door with a keypad beside it. I sign on the door said “Authorized Personnel Only!!!! Violators will have their armpit hair pulled out with rusty tweezers!!!!” I didn’t know who was authorized but I did notice that there were fingerprints on the keypad on the letters gpdinduiklei. The letters that were punched were obvious since the last person to push the buttons had apparently not washed up after having some sort of chocolate dessert. I was good with word jumbles and I determined that the words spelled out the sentence “I like pudding” and pushed the appropriate buttons. The door swung open.

I went through the doorway and was disappointed to find that this room appeared to be like virtually all the other rooms in the center. The only difference I could tell between this and the room I had just left was that there were some funny looking rubber hats that appeared to conform to the shape of a person's brain pan. I decided to go ahead and look at what genetic tinkering that the scientists didn't want a group of kids to see. All but two of the rooms were empty. One had a parrot in it, which seemed perfectly normal, except that when I walked by it I got the uncontrollable urge to give it a cracker. The urge quickly passed since I realized that I did not have any crackers. The other room or cell really since these people were being confined so that the scientists could study the results of their meddling. In the cell was a little girl who appeared to be seven years old. She looked up at me, which was odd since I 'm pretty sure that the glass looks like a mirror from the other side. I stepped sideways to the left, her gaze followed me. I walked back and forth in front of her chamber but it was obvious that she actually knew I was there. Suddenly she was right next to me, while simultaneously remaining in her little room.

“Hi,” she said, or seemed to say since I heard it without having my eardrums vibrate.

“Uhh Hi,” I said confusedly.

“You are the first person to visit me other than the scientists. It gets pretty lonely down here.”

“Didn’t you choose to be here?”

“No, my mother and father agreed that I would be genetically altered so they could get money to support themselves before I was even born. I really don’t like it here. When you leave could you take me with you?”

“Uhh well a few questions first. Aren’t you actually in that room down there? Also I don’t think I could get you out without being noticed.”

“Yes what you are seeing and hearing is being sent directly from my mind to yours, I am a telepath. The scientists messed with my DNA to make me super-intelligent and give me mental powers. I don’t really mind be different from everybody else so much but the fact that being different imprisons me in this institution is not so much fun. As for getting me out, that is relatively simple. There is a stairway down the hall that leads down to the doorways. The door to my room has the combination 112358. The scientists actually think that those silly rubber hats actually block out their thoughts from me but I know that they plan to keep me here till I die and then clone me to continue experimentation.”

“Why ask me to do this? Couldn’t you just make me do it?”

“Well I probably could if I tried but I’ve thought about it and I have decided that its pretty unethical to subvert people’s personalities. I had seriously considered making the scientists let me go but the hats are sufficiently effective to prevent that sort of attempt.”

“Now I thought about this for a while. I really hated the fact that because most people fear genetically engineered life forms they had to be kept in or near this lab. She had just as much of a right to be free as any of my classmates. On the other hand could she, despite here claim that she felt that meddling in minds was wrong, be affecting my judgement subtly so that I would arrive at the decision that she wanted me to reach. I realized there was still one major hole in the plan.

“I grant that I can get you out of that room all right, whether or not I will is still in question but how would I get you passed Jack and my teacher?”

“Oh well that’s easy as well, I’ll just make sure that no one looks at me. Everybody but you will not be able to turn their head towards wherever I am.”

“Have you ever tried this sort of stuff on people’s minds before?”

“Well actually yes as part of the scientists tests before I grew disgruntled with the whole affair.”

I pondered a bit more and could find no real reason to let her rot in her cell when I could easily let her out but then I get to the question of whether its my own volition. I came up with a solution. I put one of the hats on my head and found it did not alter my opinion on the matter in the least. I took the stupid thing off and let the girl out. It then occurred to me that I did not know her name.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“I don’t have one. The scientists called me Specimen number TP0001, but it is not exactly a catchy name. I think I’ll worry about it after I get out of this place.”

“Okay.”

The rest of the field trip progressed uneventfully. Nobody in my class noticed the girl, neither did Jack Lapin who had not even noticed my absence for the past half an hour. There was not too much more to be seen. We stopped at the lab’s cafeteria for lunch, which was the best food I’ve ever tasted. Of course when I found out that I was eating a peanut butter and chimpanzee sandwich, I felt a little grossed out but it still tasted really good so I finished it.

Nobody noticed the girl as we got on the bus and headed back to school. I wanted to strike up a conversation with her but I thought that people might either think that I was crazy for talking to someone who is not there or would notice the girl. By the time we arrived at school, it was time for everyone to go home.

I live only about a mile from school and so I walked home. The girl came with me and we discussed for a while what she was going to do with her life and what her name should be. She decided to take the name Enola, simply because she liked the way it sounded. As for what she would do with her freedom, my parents have a spare bedroom and have always wanted another child. My mom’s fallopian tubes had gotten damaged in a car wreck a few weeks after I was born so she could not have any more children of her own. They had thought about adopting children but the formal adoption process is extremely complicated. My parents would almost certainly welcome Enola into our family, and once we explained the situation to them, they did. I was surprised that they didn’t give me “The Curiosity Killed the Cat” speech. Well at any rate, Enola moved in with us and began going to my school. No one had come looking for Enola, which surprised me until I realized that Jack was probably in charge of the search and it could be decades until they traced her to me.

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