Animal Addicts

By Evan

Its okay to publish this even though I don't think its very good.

“All right everyone. Repeat after me, I am in control of my life. I don’t depend on outside substances,” said Ollidamra, the armadillo, to the two newest enrollees in the Ozo Substance Abuse Treatment Clinic. His two newest patients were Bob Oliver Orville Zimmer, a green bunny rabbit with an alcohol addiction, and Holly Stein, a cow with a dependence upon toothpaste. Ollidamra wagged his head back and forth at them.

Their addictions were so extreme that they had both gnawed off parts of their bodies when deprived of their dependencies. Holly had chewed off her udder and BOOZ had gnawed off his left ear.

“Get lost you beatnick!” Holly shouted as she cut the cheese, squeakily, an unfortunate side effect of her addiction.

“The sooner that the two of you overcome your dependencies, the sooner you can leave,” said Ollidamra, testily.

A bell rang.

“Ahh, its time for dinner. I’m sure you’ll enjoy your meals here, without any alcohol, of course.

“Zark off!” BOOZ exclaimed.

“These two are the toughest patients I’ve ever had. I’m going to have to keep both my eyes on them at all times,” Ollidamra thought.

They sat down to eat. The meal consisted of rolls, salad, hotdogs, and assorted juices. BOOZ, despite his addiction was somewhat crafty, and secreted a roll and a carton of Grape juice in his ear. He intended to use the yeast in the bread to make his own wine in his room. He had a shot glass hidden in a secret compartment of his suitcase, which could be used for drinking his wine. His one block to starting his brewing of wine was the security camera in his room.

Holly, however, peacefully ate salad and drank juice, knowing that after a meal the clinic could not forbid her from brushing her teeth. Then she would rapidly down the whole tube before anyone could stop her.

After dinner Holly and BOOZ were escorted to the bathroom where they could brush their teeth. A number of rather large grizzly bears stood guard against the chance of Holly chugging her toothpaste.

Suddenly, Holly took the toothpaste tube and squirted dentrifice into her gaping gullet. The guards moved quickly to restrain her.

“Spit it out!!!!!” They growled.

One of them slapped her on the back very hard and the toothpaste collapsed in a pile on the ground. The bears brought her before Ollidamra.

“Do you EVER want to return to the outside world?!” He shouted angrily.

“I don’t care as long as I have my toothpaste!” Yelled Holly.

“You do realize that your dependency on fluoride is gradually causing you brain damage. Eventually you will get a large enough dose to die of fluoride poisoning. Do you want that?” Asked Ollidamra.

“Not really.”

“Then you will stay here until your addiction is conquered,” said Ollidamra, ecstatic about his apparent victory.

Meanwhile BOOZ had determined that if he sat under the camera in his room, it could not possibly see him. Unfortunately for him, there was also a hidden camera behind the mirror that was in front of his toilet. It saw him clearly and one of the guards reported it in to Ollidamra and his bootleg was confiscated.

He was stumped as to what to do about his two patients. He had come to the conclusion that conventional therapy techniques would not work. Hypnotherapy, a rather unconventional technique, also would not work because they had to want to get better. He therefore narrowed down to three options, they could stay here forever and be an extreme pain in his swaying neck, they could be killed (he liked this idea but he would probably get fired), or he could try the newest experimental technique, the implantation of electrodes in the brain, programmed to shock the pain center if they disobeyed its guidelines. He gave his okay for implantation.

The implantation was successful for BOOZ, as alcohol is not really vital for life. He was shocked every time he attempted to drink alcohol until he didn’t try anymore. Holly, however, could not even brush her teeth, and so all her teeth fell out and she died of gingivitis.

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