A Little Toast

By Richard Davidson

{This is an excerpt from the same story as "Have You Seen My Lard?" As I mentioned, these are in no particular order. If you can make sense out of any of it, please seek help immediately.}

Ma dove out the window of the Courthouse, sacrificing her life to save everybody else. The three saxophone players said a prayer, and everyone else just snuck out of the building, hoping they could forget this bizarre incident. One of those people was Sue Flembach, who had either been a typist, or a cement technician at some point in her life, but couldn't remember which. She was very tall for such a short woman, and definately a blonde or a redhead.

Sue was the sort of woman who would bend matresses, given half a chance, and you could tell just by looking at her. She had once carved a scale model of the Eiffel Tower out of soap, and lima beans. It was almost four feet tall, and on a clear day you could see it from the living room.

Sue ran by me, with a purse stuffed with stolen office supplies, and didn't even notice me as she passed. Nor did she notice this one guy, that I didn't notice either, and has no part in our story. She jumped into her Toyota, squealing tires as she drove the 35 feet to her apartment building, parked the car, ran inside, and began rifling through her files.

"Hmmmmmm... Beatles Albums, Beauticians, Beautiful Cabbages of the Andes, Bette Midler, Betting Tips..." she slammed the drawer shut, opening the third on the right, "Yaks, Yams of the World, Yesterday's Mail, Yogurt, Young Republicans Dance Choreography, Damn! Where is it..."

She slapped herself across the face so hard she almost passed out, opened the desk drawer, and there it was.

A picture of Andy, a dolphin she had met at Sea World, one fine spring day. Andy was very special to Sue, ever since he had decoded those Soviet cooking tips that had fallen into her hands, due to a mix up at the Post Office. On the back of the photo was a phone number. Sue dialed, her heart racing. "Sea World, Florida, may I help you?" the voice sounded shrill on purpose.

"Ah yes, may I speak to Jack Glandular?"

"I'm sorry, he's on vacation, would you like to go to hell, I'm sorry, I mean voice mail?" she asked, transferring the call before Sue could answer. Sue dialed again.

"Jacksonville Cable, may I help you?" came the exact same shrill voice.

"This is NOT Jacksonville Cable, this is Sea World, and you can't fool me!" Sue said, exasperated.

"No, ma'am, I assure you, this is Todd's Grocery, just like I said."

"You said Jacksonville Cable!"

"Well there, you see? This IS Jacksonville Cable!"

"Look, can you transfer my call to one of the dolphin trainers who ISN'T on vacation?" Sue could barely say, and then added, "It's an emergency!"

"Oh well, why didn't you say so!" and she transferred Sue's call.

"Dan Wormwood here."

"Dan, my name is Sue Flembach. I'm an acquaintance of Jack Glandular."

"Well, what can I do for you?" he asked lovingly.

"Dan, I need to talk to Andy."

"Sue, are you some kind of fruitloop? Andy's a dolphin."

"I know he's a dolphin, he saved my life." Sue spat a sunflower seed 20 feet. Dan didn't know what to do.

"Sue, we don't let the animals take phone calls here, that's just Sea World policy. If I let Andy take a call, next the Killer Whales are going to want to call and order more fish and krill, and our bills are going to be out the window!"

Sue could see that he had one hell of a point. She decided to try one more time.

"Jack has a device that can put Andy on the line. It's in the footlocker marked 'Device that can put Andy on the line.'"

After a moment's silence, Dan agreed, and soon Andy was on the line.

"Andy, it's so good to talk to you again," Sue squeaked and chirped. She hadn't been speaking dolphin for long, as it was frowned on by the neighbors.

"Andy, I'm in a heap of trouble. I was working at the Federal Building, as either a window washer, or a nail specialist, I forget which, and I found out the head of the Department of Manners and Etiquette is a Soviet spy!"

"Well, you did the right thing by calling me," Andy whistled and squeaked.

"I'll get some of the other aquatic mammals in the think tank on this right away," and then added,"by the way, how are the kids?"

"I've never had any kids," Sue gabbed, "but thanks for asking."

Andy was concerned about that phone call. He swam around the tank for hours, mulling over Sue's current problem, and wondering why she never had any kids. And then it hit him!

"She probably just never met the right man!"

(continued)

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