What Are You Drinking?

By Richard Davidson

Bill Palron: Well, it's New Year's, here in (name of town deleted for Homeland Security reasons,) and as we do every year, here on (name of town deleted for Secret Service reasons) Forum, we go out into the streets of America, and ask the good people, "What are you drinking?"

We started with this bum, who we found sitting in a puddle on Fourth Street:

(footage of bum, sitting in puddle, talking with slurred speech) "Well, I'll tell ya ome thing, and thatsh that itsh only the finesht fer me! I been drinkin' some a this here... (picks up paper bag, and studies it for a second, pulls back to look inside) ah, Ripple Wine, er Rotgut, er Paint Thinner, all night, and I ain't even caught a buzzh yet. And lemme tell ya another thing, too; don you be messhin' with my ol' lady no more, even if she ish a Cocker Spaniel, and..."

(end of tape)

Palron (laughing): Well, that's just fine. So for our first American, it's Paint Thinner. We filmed this next American in a bar on Third, right behind the A&P:

(footage of barfly, sitting by large oak bar) "Hey, buy me a drink, will ya sweetheart?"

(Bill Palron approaches her nervously) "Ah, sure thing, baby, what are you drinking?"

(barfly) "What'dya got?"

(end of footage)

Palron: OK! So far we've got Paint Thinner, and What'dya Got? Let's try this gentleman over here.

(camera pans to a man in a tie died shirt, selling hemp products)

Palron: Sir, what are you drinking?

Man: I'm so glad you asked. This is a health shake, made from barley, rice, carob beans, bat guano, and several psychotropic agents.

Palron: Is it any good?

Man: If you drink three, you can fly. Try some?

Palron: Oh, I'd love to, but I'm working. What do you call it?

Man: Call what?

Palron: That drink.

Man: This is a health shake, made from dolphin protein, hermit crab thyroid, and cellophane tape. If you drink six of them, you'll have to pee.

Palron: You're a loonie.

Man: OK, OK, I admit it. Crazier than a box of worms.

Palron (as three Cops drag the man away): Let's ask one of these Police Officers what he's drinking. (to cop): Sir, what are you drinking?

Officer 1: Well, of course I'm not drinking, since I'm on duty, but when this shift is over, I'm going to be drinking Scotch. A LOT of Scotch. Not any CRAP Scotch, like Dewar's or something, but real Scotch; a MAN'S Scotch by God; and I won't be singing any of those showtunes, either.

Palron: I never said you would. So you're a Single Malt man?

Officer 1 (noticing man is struggling, kicks him into squad car): Yes, yes; I mean, c'mon. You wanna drink some crappy blend, that's your business, but tonight, it's Glenlivet for me.

Officer 2: I have to disagree with my partner's expensive, and pretentious taste in liquor. I'll be out with three blondes tonight, and I guarantee you I'll be drinking Southern Comfort, on the rocks, with a smidgeon of Peach Juice, and a rare Asian Purple Olive. (laughing) I'm just kidding about the olive, of course.

Palron: What about the other officer?

Officer 2: Oh, he's a puker. He'll probably be looking for a beverage that matches his shoes.

Palron: OK, well, moving on, we have this nice couple, who just finished eating at Delruccio's. Delruccio's. The Restaurant that Just Plain Matters tm. Sir, Ma'am, what are you drinking?

Man: It's none of your business, you sleazy jerk!

Palron: Excuse me?

Woman: Oh don't mind him, that's just how he is. How I put up with him, I just don't know. On second thought, I DO know. It's Jim Beam and Coke for me, all the way. He'll probably just suck down a case of Miller Genuine Draft, and fall asleep watching Midget Wrestling again, if I don't kill him.

Palron: Well, there you have it, folks. We have:

1. Paint Thinner
2. What'dya got?
3. A Health Shake, made with rubber cement, rubbing alcohol, and fermented Yak
4. Glenlivet
5. Southern Comfort, on the Rocks, with a smidgeon of Peach Juice
6. Jim Beam and Coke
7. Miller Genuine Draft

That's all the time we have for this special New Year's edition of What Are You Drinking. I'll be back next week with...

Offstage Voice: Bill, isn't there something you're forgetting?

Palron: Forgetting? (scratches chin) No, I don't think so...

Offstage Voice: We all want to know what YOU'RE drinking!

Palron: Oh, well that's easy. The second this segment is over, I'm having a Stolie Straight Up, and Leave The Bottle, which is simply referred to by most local bars as "the usual."

What about you?

Offstage Voice: (sounding sad) Hot Buttered Rum.

Palron: OK! Goodnight, America!

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