Use Once and Destroy

By Benn Allen

Sigh. I'm not sure if I should bother posting this. If it doesn't fall into the category of "Too Much Information". If anyone cares about what's going on in my so-called love life. I dunno. Maybe this'll be good therapy for me.

Last December I moved from Dallas, Texas to this little Ill-annoy town. In March, I finally landed a full-time job at the local nursing home. I work as a "housekeeper", kind of a glorified janitor. The nursing home staff is predominately female. A lot of them have a very negative attitude towards men. I understand this attitude in many ways. A lot of women have had some very bad experiences with men.

One such person is this lady named Tammy. Tammy not only is a fellow housekeeper, she lives in the same apartment complex that I do. I don't mean to sound conceited, but from my first day at work, Tammy... well, I won't say fell in love with me, but she was definitely flirting with me something fierce. At one point, her daughter, Crystal, who also works at the nursing home as a housekeeper, even told me that Tammy wanted "to rape me".

Tammy is about a year older than me (her birthday is the week after mine). She has a three year old son from a drunken one-night stand she had. I like Joseph, even I'm not too big on kids.

For weeks, I'd talk to Tammy through the window of her apartment. On a couple of days, we had a cookout. I bought some hamburger meat for it.

Anyway, after flirting with each other for a few weeks, Tammy and I did the deed. For about a week or two everything was fine, I guess you'd say. We'd hug, kiss, hold hands. I'd drop by her apartment, she'd drop by mine.

The whole time though, there was always talk from her about how men are "second class citizens". She'd allow as to how I might not be a "typical man". Who knows? I forgot what I said, but there were times when I'd say something and she'd ask me if I wanted to go back to just being friends. Now keep in mind, she has said to me that she didn't want a relationship. That's fine. I'm really too much a lone wolf for a relationship. I honestly can't see myself in one.

There was one evening where Tammy was over here, and we were lying snuggled up on my combination couch/bed in the living room watching TV. I enjoyed it. It felt good, damned good. I made the mistake of saying, "I think I could fall in love with you."

That was last week. For the first half of this week things were fine.

Like I said, Tammy often refers to men as "second class citizens". I personally was offended by it. I've had a lot of bad experiences with women. Hell, it's hard, if not impossible to name one where I didn't get used.

Here's the thing. I'm not the smartest person in the world and I'm probably even less smart than others where women are concerned. But I could already foresee one thing that was going to happen: Tammy was going to, before long, decide I was a "typical man". It's not so much that I am. (Though I won't dispute the possibility.) It's just that inevitably I'm gonna screw-up. I will make a mistake. Because I'm human. But that one error would brand me in Tammy's eyes as a "typical man". I knew this was a relationship that was going to end badly.

Tammy's anti-men raps were starting to cause me to withdraw from her somewhat. Mistake number 2, I suppose you could say. Actually, that may not be the mistake.

Monday, while drinking a Smirnoff Dry Ice (my first alcoholic beverage in months), at Tammy's place, I told her I thought that she'd eventually decide I was a "typical man". She didn't deny it. She agreed I had a point. It wasn't going to change how she is. But she could see my side of it.

The next day, she gave me some hamburger meat to replace the one used in the cookout. That was a sign and I knew it. Something had changed.

Wednesday she came to work happy and cheerful, saying it was a good day and she had a great night. But she was kind of distant from me that day.

It turned out she had found herself someone new. After work, when I spoke to her, she reminded me that she never said she wanted a relationship.

Basically, except for at work, Tammy and I haven't spoken. We'll work together tomorrow. And I'll be friendly, polite, as close to my normal self as possible.

Y'know, despite how it may sound, I'm not hurt by any of this. I'm a little stung by it, yeah. But not hurt. I knew it would happen. I just didn't know when. It seems that all the women who are interested in me, are only interested for a short period of time. Usually, I'm just someone to have a little fun with, then it's time for me to be put aside.

What's really ironic is I know who Tammy's hooking up with now. I'm almost willing to bet that Roger is that typical man Tammy's so scared of getting involved with. If she gets too deeply involved (and I suspect she will. She wants a relationship, I think, more than she's willing to admit.), she'll get burned. And it'll only reinforce her attitude that all men are sh*t.

And it's not a matter of all men being bad. It's a matter of Tammy (and other women I know) making very stup1d mistakes about what men they choose to associate with. And as a sign of insanity, they keep repeating that mistake thinking, "This time, it'll be different." It never is.

I dunno. I may have just wasted a lot of bandswidth with this post. It's possible it won't be read. Still, I needed to get this out of my system and put somewhere outside of myself. Thanks to anyone who's read it.

One the night that Tammy and I slept together, she brought a candle over and more or less gave it to me.

Today I gave it back.

(This essay has also been posted at www.nitcentral.com on the "A Questions for females from a guy who doesn't know exactly how you think" board in the Kitchen Sink. It has been edited slightly edited for publication here.)

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