The Truth

By Ben C

When you look at the average man, you only see his uneven flesh, his scratchy, patchy unshaven beard, his piercing eyes, his imperfect hair, his nervous nose and pale lips. You thought you had us figured out, all we think about is sex, all we want is the act, you're afraid - but you want it too. So sorry to disappoint, but nothing could be closer to the truth. We're naturally jerks, we can't control our eyes, our hands, and most dangerously our thoughts. Surprisingly enough there is in fact a romantic core to us all, one that wants to make you feel special, but it doesn't have a clue how to accomplish this feat. That's when the jerk side rises from the depths, pushes the nervous romantic aside and makes you feel like slapping us, and sometimes you do. The male species is indeed a shallow one, but there are a few of us, the good ones. Chances are you'll never find one, and if you do you'll just see him as a hopeless bore, after all, only the smart chics go for the shy, white, bald and slightly overweight men. They don't drink to get drunk, they never did drugs and the first person they conceived with was you, and it was really bad wasn't it? But it got better, and it felt like nothing else ever had, the romance that is. He became a selfless romantic, and you loved him for it. But it got boring, so boring that you longed for the jerk side of him, so boring that you had to have it. So you cheated, and even worse with a cool guy, a jerk in every sense of the word. But you shattered your man, and you'll kill off his race if you don't stop wasting his type. Just like the white man killed off all the buffalo for the fun of it, you'll rid us of the sensitive ones, maybe because they're the only guys vulnerable to your poison, the only men who stiffen at your warm touch. It's a tragedy, but it will be forgotten just like every other sad moment in humanity's history. Therefore I propose a toast, to the endangered species of sensitive men, and their soon to be forgotten legacy.

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