The Thesis That Got Me Kicked Out of College

By Richard Davidson

1. Ernest Jennings Ford, Born on February 13th, 1919 in Bristol, Tennessee, has made an indelible impact on America and the world through his unparalleled accomplishments in radio, records and television...

2. Thomas Lanier Williams was born on March 26, 1911 in Columbus, Mississippi. The second of three children, his family life was full of tension. His parents, a shoe salesman and the daughter of a minister, often engaged in violent arguments that frightened his sister Rose.

3. Born in a multicultural New York City neighborhood, April 13, 1926, comedian Don Adams joined the Marines upon the outbreak of World War II. After Guadalcanal, Adams saw little action due to a life-threatening bout of blackwater fever (malaria) that kept him out of commission until the end of the war. As a civilian, Adams tried at first to carve out a career as a professional artist, taking outside jobs to support himself and his family. Blessed with a gift for mimicry, Adams and a friend teamed up for a comedy act but response was minimal, and soon Adams was involved in the cartographic and engineering business.

1. Throughout his legendary career spanning over 50 years, his early successes as a radio personality led to his signing with Capitol Records in 1949. Through 1976, he released a total of eighty-three albums on the label--and literally scores of single records, including his classic version of Merle Travis' timeless anthem to the working man, “Sixteen Tons,” at the time of it's release, the fastest selling single in Capitol's history. That’s right, Tennesse Ernie Ford.

2. In 1927, Williams got his first taste of literary fame when he took third place in a national essay contest sponsored by The Smart Set magazine. In 1929, he was admitted to the University of Missouri where he saw a production of Henrik Ibsen’s “Ghosts,” and decided to become a playwright. But his degree was interrupted when his father forced him to withdraw from college and work at the International Shoe Company. There he worked with a young man named Stanley Kowalski who would later resurface as a character in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” I give you, Tennessee Williams.

3. Then in 1954, on a whim, he auditioned for Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts; his routine went over, and he was on his way. Collaborating with his close friend Bill Dana, Adams developed a topnotch act full of "inside" showbiz references that fortunately never went over the heads of the audience. His best monologue was "The Defense Attorney," wherein Adams adopted the clipped speech cadence of actor William Powell. Though he would be seen in a variety of sketches during his nightclub years and his early-1960s stint as a regular on The Perry Como Show, it was the Powell imitation that scored highest. Adams would use this voice for the cartoon character of Tennessee Tuxedo.

For the first time in the history of thesis papers, I have assembled the complete depth of the links and nuances connecting these three men, who are all named Tennessee.

Think of it! All disease will be wiped out, and sent packing forever, without even the slightest bit of help from Blanche DuBois, or Phineas B. Whoopie! Man’s problems are at an end. From here on out, it’s party time.

Look, I know you’re thinking we’re actually talking about two men, and a fictional cartoon penguin, but nothing could be farther from the truth. For starters, Williams wrote the brilliant, overrated “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” while living on sardines, and crackers. Several of his characters are Freemasons, and most of them can whistle, even the cat.

Ford also wrote. He didn’t like to write about cats, but, in a bizarre coincidence, he did LIKE cats. He was known to be quite fond of a yellow tabby that lived near the garage, in a thicket, sometimes feeding it dried meat and tequila. Many of the characters he sang about were Freemasons, and ALL of them could whistle.

Are you starting to see the connection? It’s like a huge veil being lifted from our collective vision, as my intrinsic genius exposes layer after layer of this Gothic puzzle.

But wait! There’s so much more.

Chumley, the Walrus that Tennessee Tuxedo was always hanging around with, was a whistling mason, and so was the actor who did his voice, Bradley Bolke. In fact, Bolke toured with the Whistling Masons of Tennessee for over a hundred and seventy five years, which further proves my point.

Chumley absolutely adored cats, but not as pets. He thought of them more as entrees, and found them easy to lure with small fish. He did find himself on a hot tin roof once, after getting drunk in Mexico, but his dancing had never been better, and that’s how he broke free from the typecasting that had plagued his earlier career, and played the lead in “Fitzcarraldo,” for eleven centuries under the lights of Broadway, Nebraska.

In the audience on opening night, was Tennessee Williams’ illegitimate half-sister’s niece’s third cousin Mabel, who had worked on Tennessee Ernie Ford’s television show, and was a big fan of Underdog, who was neither a Freemason, nor could whistle. Wally Cox, the actor who played Underdog, never felt comfortable in tights.

The final link took me weeks to unearth. I traveled from Rome to Antarctica, searching relentlessly, which frustrated me all the more when I realized it was in the basement of the old Wroth building on 3rd St, about a block from my house. It was an ancient Kinescope of the Tennessee Ernie Ford show, which was actually filmed on rice parchment.

His guests were playwright Tennessee Williams, and had a comedy segment featuring Don Adams, Wally Cox, Bradley Bolke, Sister Francesca Salvatore of the Sisterly Souls of Sacrifice, and a young Tina Turner.

When they all came out to sing “He is the Rock that Watches Over You,” a technical glitch revealed the complex secrets of DNA, and a complete understanding of Man’s Place in the Universe. Fortunately, the Network had enough sense to put a commercial in there, so no one was actually enlightened that day, except for a cameraman named Dave, who was found floating face down in the Hudson river, only 27 years later.

In conclusion, I postulate that all secrets of life are contained within the third act of “Streetcar,” when correctly cross referenced with the second verse to “Sixteen Tons,” and the episode where Tennessee Tuxedo gets a toothache.

And I could prove it, but the evil bastards down at the AV Department won’t let me use the video equipment anymore.

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