The "Manson Family" Audition

By Thelonius

All musicians have had the distinct pleasure of trying out for new bands; and all have horror stories: Here’s a little taste of the latest:

After humping the thousand pounds of my gear up 2 flights of stairs, (with no help, or even an offer) I walk into the space, and it smells like ass; mixed with a casserole, add a drizzling of pot, with a tinge of tangerine body odor. There are 15 or so people in the room, and only 2 of them introduce themselves to me. The organizer/guitar player introduces himself to me with his hand in his pocket, pinching his penis. I quickly set up, and then the 15-member conglomerate began to play a 10-minute jam with no structure, choruses or solo’s, a (except the 9 that the lead guitar played). A true festival of ADD proportions.

After suffering through that whole, disorganized mess; (they played so loud I had to bend over to listen to my amp, making sure I was in the correct tonality). I politely checked my ears for bleeding, then the "leader" of the group; (the spitting image of Henry Lee Lucas, only pissed-the-fuck-off) who, was a longtime roadie for a national touring act, gathers us all into a circle; and begins to profess how we will become a national act; due to the fact he was privy to seeing shows every night, and how he has the equivalent to a "Masters" in "how to be a national act", and when we go on the road; (while looking at the female members of group), saying" I may be with you one night, then her the next night… we’ll be a great loving, reciprocating, family". My crotch seemed to be the focal point during that declaration. I kept looking at the faces of these people; seeing if they were holding back the same laughter I was, but they were not; they were fixated on him; nodding and agreeing; freaking me out. Then he started in on how we’ll be the best group in town; better than all the local established acts, I started worrying that this was a plot to steal my equipment, that a bunch of crackheads whipped-up to get some fix money. It’s a wonderful, delusional, world that we musicians live in; even a forty-something burnout can have rock star dreams.

I’ve never packed my instruments in their cases faster than I did that night; I was sure we were gonna be drinking some Kool-Aid in the next few moments.

SHAWN BAUER

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