Please Dont Be Nice To Me

By Sam Marston

Throughout my very young life, I never had sucess with other people. I was shoved to the side, ignored... only brought to the front to be ridiculed and then sent back again.

As I grew older, I grew increasingly bitter... I lost myself in books, and ignored the world that hated me. I was going to kill myself. I had the gun and the motivation. Then it happened.

One girl, one beautifull wonderfull girl came to me, and spoke. Not a "hi", not a put down, but she actually cared about my opinion. Perhaps what she did was out of pity, or perhaps she really cared... but this kindness.. was more than I could handle.

Inside me somthing clicked.. I felt a warmth I never did before.. somthing that took away the chill of life, and replaced it with joy. She opened new worlds to me with simple and consistant kindness... the world wasnt soo bad.

My one mistake, I fell in love with her.

She was beautifull, smart, funny, and all the other adjectives guys put on thier obsessions... but that wasnt why... it was somthing else.

The warmness she placed in my heart, the friendship she gave to somone who had no clue how to return it.

These feelings built up inside with me... I was soo happy, I interacted socially, I was no longer the total outcast I once was, and I was in love to boot...

Then, I told her my feelings, and she said "I love being your friend Sam, but I cant, Im sorry"

She said no.

But I still loved her, all I wanted was to be near this beacon of kindness and warmth... and my confessions of love drove her away, freaked her out, and distanced me from her radient soul.

Years later, I still talk to her on occasion, we are still friends. But I am afraid of saying much, or too much... I dont want to drive her further away.. for you see.. even after all these years, I still love her. I cant stop loving her, Ive tried.. and it hurts.. it really hurts...

I will not speak to her of my feelings again though, I would rather die a thousand deaths than make her feel even slightly uncomfortable.

I still lover her, and it hurts.

So please dont be nice to me, I wont habdle it well.

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