Adventures in Insomnia

By Rachelle King

I lay down in my bed twirling the depleted comforter around my body until we together formed one massive body of flesh, cotton, and sweat. Events of the day ran through my head like a slide show dispersing every emotion simultaneously with each thought. Fuck, I just wanted to feel the relief of sleep permeate my completely exhausted being. It was obviously too much to ask, considering I hadn’t slept the whole night through for weeks. I can remember having a few good nights the month before last. Those nights seem almost too surreal to ever exist. The soft beat of my heart echoed in my ears as I concentrated with much difficulty on reaching a state of perpetual REM. Just a couple of hours, that’s all I can ever ask.

Ritually, I pulled out the remote control from under the pillow. The channels changed one by one under the pressure of my thumb. Stopping on CNN seemed a logical choice. Surely the monotone articulation of words would put me to sleep. I considered fluffing my pillows and stacking more under my already sore neck. No. That would take way too much effort that I was not willing to commit to this project. I set the TV sleep mode to 20 minutes, knowing full well I’d never be asleep by then. Still, the hope that I might fall asleep controlled my actions. My arm fell hard on the ancient mattress after completing its mission. I could still hear the swarming sound of cars and trucks as they passed by the busy street outside my house. Ironically, I was glad for the repetitious sound. Anything familiar always helped with the process.

I was failing in my attempts to concentrate on sleeping just as I always had. This lead to the presence of other overwhelming thoughts. Guilty feelings, irrelevant ones, thoughts about situations that had happened years ago that still invaded my mind. Then, as usual, I couldn’t concentrate on sleep. Feelings of failure rushed about, almost as though they were ready to embrace the world and push their way out through my eyes and ears. With this thought, I suddenly opened my eyes, fearing my own persuasive suggestions. Such twisted ideas were now ordinary for me. Strangely and unfortunately, ordinary. My mind meandered still through the abyss that engulfed the center of my imagination.

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